


Letters to the Lost

by LockerMice



Series: Letters to the Lost and Notes to the Found [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anya & Lexa (The 100) Are Siblings, Anya shouldn't be allowed in the kitchen, Autism Spectrum, BAMF Raven, BAMF Raven Reyes, Cat the dog, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Eventual Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Eventual Romance, F/F, Get out of my tags Raven, Hot chocolate season is a real season, I Don't Even Know, Ice Cream, Lexa loves flowers, Lexa plays the violin, Lexa rambles, Lexa's not so great at society, Mom!Clarke, Nerd Lexa, Noodle the dog, Not me., Patch the dog, Postage Stamp the dog, Raven the great, Sad Lexa, Selectively mute lexa, Smirnoff the cat, Sorry Not Sorry, Steve the dog - Freeform, Subways, Subways too, Suicide Attempt, Sundays are BAD DAYS, Transgender!Artigas, Who Knows?, You should probably read this as Entire Work, and is extrememly ADORABLE, apparently this also contains FLUFF, deaf!Aden, not explicit, protective! Anya, shut up Raven they're letters, snarky Raven, they will be happy damnit, what's a run on sentence?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-23 21:36:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 345
Words: 63,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11998431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LockerMice/pseuds/LockerMice
Summary: Lexa writes to Costia everytime something important to her happens.What follows are her lettersName change 15/04/2018, was Letters to the Lost and Notes to the Found





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry guys, I've been practically bedridden for the last week, and school starts again tomorrow and I needed to do SOMETHING productive  
> If you're like me and don't read tags properly, you might want to click that "Entire Work" button because the chapters are short.

Why is it always so cold?

Cos, it's so damn cold all the time. I step into the sun, and all it does is burn my eyes. It burns my eyes, and it hurts, so I go back inside.

It's always so cold when I'm alone, but it burns when there are people.


	2. Chapter 2

Anya visited today Cos, and it's like she was a fire in human form. She crashed through the door like a cannonball, and her smile was so painfully bright. Her touch burned my skin, so I backed out of the hug.

She's trying so hard Cos, but how do I tell her? How can I possibly say that her words are too loud, her smile too bright, her skin too hot? How can I tell her that when her flames creep into the room, I want to run away and scream?

She's just too bright Cos, burning hard and fast.

 

Remember when we were like that? We burned so bright we could set fire to the whole world if we wanted. We were the fire in the centre of the world.

 

But now...

Now I guess I'm just a shadow, a wisp of smoke if you will.

I'm barely here anymore. I'm just hanging, ready to be blown away at the smallest gust of wind. The smallest breath of a breeze could make me vanish. I'd just drift away quietly, from barely there, to not there at all.

 

I guess I'll just wait. For what, I don't know. I seem to be waiting an awful lot these days.

Maybe I'll see you soon Cos.

I love you.


	3. Chapter 3

I almost did it Cos.

I almost left.

I would have done it. I should have done it.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't do it. Am I weak Cos? Am I weak? I feel weak.


	4. Chapter 4

Anya came over again. She's not burning so brightly anymore. She cried. I haven't seen her cry since your funeral. Her flames were soft, her skin was warm. She hugged me, and she cried.

I made her cry Cos.

She doesn't shine so brightly anymore.

Anya doesn't shine, I don't talk, the flowers don't bloom.

The trees don't change colour, the food is tasteless.

I don't know what to do.

What do you do?

What does Anya do when her flames go out? Anya is fire Cos, what is she without her flames?

What do I do when all my words fly away? I'm a writer Cos, what am I without my words?

What are the flowers without their petals, the trees without their leaves, the food without it's flavour?

My life without you?

I don't know Cos. I just don't know.


	5. Chapter 5

I miss you


	6. Chapter 6

Anya moved in today. Court ordered it. I'm under her care until I turn twenty five. I see her face every time she comes home. She looks worried, pale, she looks for me before she even takes off her coat.

I think I'm scaring her.

I don't want to scare her Cos. I'd never do that to her. Not to Anya.

I wasn't meant to fail. It was supposed to be quick, painless. Here one moment, gone the next.

Fleeting as a smile.

You said that once, do you remember?

You told me that I should smile more, and I asked you why.

You shrugged, and grinned, and my heart almost flew, and you just said that there was something in my teeth.

And when I bared my teeth like a savage, and asked you what, and where, you just laughed, that soft little laugh, and you told me happiness and that it was everywhere.

I know you don't lie Cos, but I think you were mistaken.

There is happiness, yes, but it was only when you were next to me.

But now...now there's no happiness because there's no you

You lied to me Cos

Happiness isn't everywhere.

I see that now.

I'm scaring Anya. Anya, Cos, big, bad, scary Anya, is scared of me. Scared for me


	7. Chapter 7

I think I'm going to try. Try what, I'm not sure.

I just don't want Anya to come home everyday thinking that I killed myself.

It's not fair to her.

So yeah, I'm going to try.

Try what, I don't know.

Maybe I'll go with her to the park tomorrow.

No. I will go to the park with her tomorrow.

I want her to see that I will try, even if I don't say it.

I'm just so tired Cos.

But I think I'm tired of being tired


	8. Chapter 8

The park was lonely without you Cos.

The pathways didn't lead to forgotten kingdoms, magical creatures didn't watch from the trees.

Anya held my hand the whole time. I suppose, I would've complained that I wasn't a child, but it felt nice.

Her flames were soft, warm embers, and I'm tired of being so damn cold.

She says we'll go again, and maybe we can get ice cream.

I feel like a child.

She watches me eat, and makes child-friendly food.

I swear, she accidentally bought smiley-face macaroni Cos

She looked at it, then at me, and then gave it to the Smith's next door.

At least she hasn't stooped that low yet.


	9. Chapter 9

We didn't go to the park today.

Anya took me to a sign language class instead.

I got so angry with her Cos, I felt like I'd swallowed fire.

I don't want to talk!

Why can't she understand that?

Why can't she understand that I want to disappear

 

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

I wish I were there.

I wish


	10. Chapter 10

I went to the park without Anya today, they're fumigating the apartment.

I went early, there weren't many people

I saw a kid, making castles out of sticks

He had a mop of hair that hung in his eyes, he couldn't have been older than four.

His mom came right up to him, her feet crunching on the leaves, and he didn't notice.

It was only when his hands danced through the air that I realized

He's deaf, Cos

He has no words either

He doesn't need his words

He doesn't need to make a noise,

All he needs is someone to watch, and he can tell stories without a sound

He waved at me, and I waved back

 

I think you would've liked the small deaf boy from the park


	11. Chapter 11

I saw him again today Cos

I was at the park again, and he was sitting under a tree, playing with a dinosaur

No one was paying any attention to him except his mother, and even so, she was just keeping a careful eye on him

I wish I could be like that too

Sit quietly under a tree, and play dinosaurs with the sound turned off

All the other children are so loud, but you don't see them

He doesn't make a sound, and he glows like the sun

Maybe I'll go to classes

 

Maybe I won't.

We'll see


	12. Chapter 12

One of the kids stole his ice cream today

His mother didn't see

I don't think she's neglecting him

She gave him money, it seemed like she wanted to buy it for him

He seemed to be arguing, his small hands curling and dancing

He walked up, and pointed at the one he wanted, his hands in the prayer position

The ice-cream man smiled, and gave it to him

He was so happy Cos, his smile was bigger than his face

Then an older kid snatched it from him

He didn't cry

He didn't scream

He was silent

He walked away

 

Why didn't he cry Cos?

Why didn't he fight back?


	13. Chapter 13

I bought an ice cream today

It was the same kind that the kid bought

He has good taste


	14. Chapter 14

He wasn't at the park today

I hope he's okay.


	15. Chapter 15

Anya made lasagne for dinner

She burnt it, and we ordered pizza

We watched a movie while we ate it

A new Fast and Furious, I think

It was fun I guess


	16. Chapter 16

He's back at the park!

This time, he succeeded in buying an ice-cream

He was so careful with it, only licking the parts that dribbled down his hands

He carried it all the way back to his mom

She laughed, kissed his hair

They shared it

 

I wish we could have had that Cos

You always wanted kids

A boy and a girl

Two girls

Two boys

You didn't care, you just wanted two kids

One of them had to be called Sam

Samuel, Samantha, a whole host of other names

Sam for short

You got so mad when Anya mumbled Salmon and Salmonella

 

Gods I miss you


	17. Chapter 17

He came to the park with new people today

His mother is blonde, with pale skin

He came with two women

One brunette, with eyes like a storm cloud

The other had eyes like the stars, and wore a red jacket

They both had hands that danced through words

They laughed with him

Storm Clouds put him up on her shoulders so he could climb a tree

Red Jacket took a photo of him, proudly surveying his kingdom

 

Anya used to do that for me

Maybe I'm being too mean to her

She doesn't deserve this

She's stuck with me too

I'm going to try be better


	18. Chapter 18

We went back to classes today

I learned basic greetings, my name

Anya learned swear-words from the two teenagers behind us

The teacher learned to give up on the human fire next to me, and just teach

She has photographic memory anyways, she doesn't need to pay attention

Anya has photographic memory.  
Not the teacher.   
Well, she might, I don't know.


	19. Chapter 19

Well, Anya's finally done it

She set the apartment on fire

Literally

I'm writing this from the couch of her girlfriend, who isn't home yet

I didn't even know that Anya had a girlfriend

I'm such a terrible person

She could've been with her girlfriend instead of taking care of me

Like I'm some kind of stupid child

I don't like being a stupid child.

I'm not a stupid child.

I will not sit on a stranger's couch because my legal guardian set my apartment on fire because I can't even cook food for myself.

I will not.


	20. Chapter 20

Anya yelled at me

I cried

It wasn't fun

I slept in the park, and she found me at about four

She was so pissed Cos, I was scared

She yelled and yelled and then she cried

We sat together under the old bower, do you remember it? Tucked away in the brambles?

We sat there and it started raining and we didn't move, except she undid her coat so we could share and it was warm and dry

She woke me up when the sun was high, calling up the rain in sheets of clouds

We went back to the girlfriend's apartment

I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up in the spare bedroom.

I could hear talking from the kitchen, but I didn't want to talk, so I went back to sleep.

 

I like sleeping

I don't like dreaming


	21. Chapter 21

Anya and her girlfriend are very nice to me

I never see the girlfriend

Her schedule doesn't coincide with mine

Sometimes I hear her voice, so I stay in my room and Anya says she's okay with that, although she wishes I'd introduce myself

Anya's girlfriend is a better cook than she is

She leaves me containers of food in the fridge with my name on them

Her handwriting is small, precise, and somehow messy all at the same time

As if she writes too much in too little time

The food is okay

I still can't taste much

 

I kinda wish I could


	22. Chapter 22

Holy shit Cos!

Cos, you're not going to believe this!

I have to explain the whole thing to you, because I know you like the scene to be set properly

Brace yourself, this is a long one

 

Okay so, it starts on a Tuesday morning

I've just woken up and I don't really want to, but I need the bathroom, and I'm a little bit hungry

The apartment is quiet, so I'm guessing that Anya and her girlfriend (I wasn't paying attention when Anya told me about her, I thought her name was Robin, or something to do with a bird) are still asleep.

I go to the bathroom and on my way back I started feeling dizzy, y'know, it happens sometimes when you wake up, so I sat down at the kitchen counter, and then there was something loud outside, so I hid my head in my hoodie and pressed my face against the marble

Next thing I know, a plate is nudging me in the head, and I'm hungry and the kitchen smells so good

I look up to see a plate holding bacon and eggs and toast attached to a scarred brown arm, which vanished into one of Anya's shirts, before reappearing as a neck, and then a smiling face with eyes like stars.

 

It was Red Jacket.

Anya's girlfriend is Red Jacket.

 

"My name's Raven. You look like you need this more than I do right now." She smiles. Her teeth are shiny.

I don't say anything, so she puts the plate down and moves back to the stove.

"I know you don't talk, it's okay. If you want something, just sign. I'm sorry if my voice is loud right now, but my hands are full and I haven't mastered telepathy yet."

Anya then walks in, and stops in the doorway.

She's still in pajamas too, and she walks forwards to sit next to me.

"Eat." She says, passing me a knife and fork, "eat, and then you can escape and I'll buy you ice cream later."

Raven cooks and I eat what I can, which isn't much, but it is more than usual, because Raven's good at cooking, and Anya's watching me, and I really like it when Anya comes with me to the park to buy ice cream.

Anya smiles at me and touches my arm, before accepting her own plate from Raven, except hers also has tomato, and I'm okay with that because Anya likes tomato and I don't.

I escape

 

And end scene.

 

What do you think of Red-Jacket-Raven Cos?

I'm sure if you asked her, she'd make you breakfast too

Except instead of bacon she'd put tomato and something green, because Anya'd tell her you don't eat meat, like she told her I don't eat tomato

Maybe she's not so scary after all

 

I gotta go, Anya wants to leave for the park

I hope we're getting ice cream


	23. Chapter 23

We have to stay with Red-Jacket-Raven for two more weeks

It's been okay

Cos I miss my own bed

I miss being able to blanket burrito on the couch for hours

I miss you


	24. Chapter 24

I hate Red-Jacket-Raven

She’s infuriating

Anya was trying to get me to shower, but I didn’t want to because I could hear Red-Jacket-Raven in the kitchen, and I don’t like showering when there’s other people around and I’d seen them kissing and it made me miss you so I went back to bed

She started yelling, saying that she didn’t have time for this, because she had to go to work, and Red-Jacket-Raven just waltzes into my room and says

“Go babe, I’ve got this. Don’t forget your coat, it’s raining again”

That’s completely fucking pointless, because it’s always fucking raining, it’s nearly winter for fucks sakes! 

Anya fought for a little bit, but she really did have to go into work, because there was an Emergency with a capital E, because otherwise she’d just Skype whoever was there to sort out the issue

Red-Jacket-Raven waited until she left before telling me to get into the shower.

I ignored her, and pulled the blankets over my head, because I didn’t like her watching me

I could hear her moving, and then she said

“I have all day Lexa, and unlike Anya, I can make you hate me, so the sooner you give up, the better”

I mean, I guess she had a valid point, because Anya always stops after a certain point, because she knows that once we reach that point there’s no turning back, and I will hate her and she’ll hate me and it’s not fun when your sister hates you

I ignored her again, and she just pulled the blankets away from my face!

“This is my apartment Lexa, and like it or not, you will shower. Are you going to get up, or must I make you?”

I turned away from her, because her eyes still held the stars and she wasn’t angry, but I was, and I didn’t like the fact that she was so calm and I was so frustrated, and she had her life together, and I didn’t

Then Red-Jacket-Raven pulled the blankets off entirely, and walked out with them

I got up and locked the door.

I forgot that the fucking thermostat is in the hallway, because the next thing I knew it’s the fucking Arctic Winds blasting through the room, and the bitch has taken my fucking blankets which have all my hoodies wrapped in them

“Unlock the door Lexa.” She says, and I really wanted to unlock it just to punch her in the nose, but I wasn’t going to let her have the satisfaction

Eventually, I’m in power saving mode because of the cold, curled up with my feet in five pairs of socks, stuffed in the pillowcase, wearing more socks on my hands, and I hear the door open

Bitch had a key the whole fucking time

“Get up. You’re going to shower.”

For the first time in months I wanted to talk

I wanted to say fuck you and then spit in her face

But I don’t talk, and the room was so cold that my mouth felt as dry as the desert

So I closed my eyes instead

“Lexa, Anya told me you don’t like being touched, but if you don’t get up, I will pick you up and put you in the shower like a four year old.”

 

Everything I thought I knew about her was so damn conflicting with the way she was acting

1.She made me food when she didn’t have to

 

2.Anya liked her

 

3.She smells nice

 

4.She’s nice to Dinosaur Boy

 

5.She has stars in her eyes

 

6.She’s nice to Anya (not an easy task very often)

 

The bitch actually did it

She grabbed me under the arms and lifted me up

She’s actually pretty damn strong, which is weird, because I used to be strong, and she’s smaller than me

Of course I struggled, but she turned me around (my feet were stuck in the pillowcase, okay?) and trapped my arms against my side, so I headbutted her in the nose, and she started bleeding, and I knew that because I could feel something sticky running down my neck, so either she was bleeding, or she was drooling like a freaking basset hound

She held me like that for a while until I was tired, and then she loosened up slightly

“That wasn’t very fun now, was it? Are you going to get into the shower, or am I carrying you?”

I tried to sit down again, because I wasn’t feeling well, and she just fucking lifted me up like a naughty puppy and put me down in the bathtub

“I’m not leaving this bathroom until you’ve showered” She said, sitting down on the toilet, “and if you don’t do it yourself, I will get in there and help you, understand? You can draw the curtain if you want.”

I wanted to yell and swear and scream and punch her in the nose, which was already bleeding, and she was doing nothing about it except trying not to drip blood onto her shirt

But my body was tired and I was tired, so all I did was cry

She didn’t do anything until I’d finished, and then she offered me some toilet paper

I stared at the tiles on the wall, because anything was better than looking at her fucking galaxy eyes

Then Red-Jacket-Raven turned the shower on

Jesus Christ Cos, the water was freezing!

I pulled the curtain closed and showered, dropping my clothes onto the far end of the bathtub, because really, what else could I do?

Her blood was drying on my neck, and I was freezing, and the water was freezing until I turned the handle to hot and then I showered

I used Anya’s soap and stuff at first because I didn’t want to smell like Red-Jacket-Raven, and then I realised that it might piss her off, so I showered again, instead I used her stuff that time, and it made me feel a little bit better

My hair was so damn tangled

It was like the bramble bushes around the fountain

Remember the fountain Cos?

Anyway, I showered twice, and then I smelled like a vanilla, strawberry, raspberry, and honey milkshake when she passed me a towel

She locked me in the bathroom, and came back with my clothes, clean, and warm from sitting on a heater, and turned around so I could get dressed, and then I think I was crying again, because I was humiliated

She made me sit on the couch and eat some soup (it was good soup, but it tasted like dishwater because I hate it when people watch me eat)

When I put the bowl down, she looked at it and said 

“Five more spoonfuls, and then you can stop”

So I ate five more spoonfuls, because what else could I do? She took the bowl away, and I tried to get back into my bedroom, but she’d locked the door again

“On the couch.” She said, waving a hairbrush at me

She turned on the TV and then passed me the remote, so I turned it to the German program that just plays music and shows the hills and has someone talking in German, because everything else just annoyed me

She brushed my hair and that was humiliating too, but it felt nice, because

7\. She’s actually very gentle

8\. She’s good with tangled hair

9\. She sprayed nice smelling stuff which made my hair soft

So when Anya got home, I was still on the couch, but Red-Jacket-Raven had forced me through a shower, forced me to eat half a bowl of soup, brushed and braided my hair, and washed my clothes and sheets

Anya gave me hug, and I let her, because she looked so damn happy and I like it when she’s happy, even though her skin burned me, and her smile was too bright

She kissed Red-Jacket-Raven, who gave me back my key so I could escape to my room

I haven’t left in two days, and I’m still pissed off with Red-Jacket-Raven, and I still smell like a milkshake

What a bitch


	25. Chapter 25

We went to the park again

I didn’t like it because there was a wedding

They looked so happy together in their matching tuxes

One had a blue tie

The other had a red

And the flower people wore purple ties

They called them Papa and Baba

I was sick when we got home, and Anya climbed into bed with me and held me and her skin didn’t burn so bad because her flames were small because she was crying too.


	26. Chapter 26

Red-Jacket-Raven was away for dinner so we ordered pizza

It tasted like dirt, so I ate two slices of my small pizza, and Anya ate three of her medium pizza, and we gave the rest to the homeless man who lives in the dumpster under the fire escape. He says his name is Ahmed, and he asked us what the rationing was. Anya told him that it was her birthday and that the pizzas were her present to him.

He gave the rest of my pizza to the puppy inside his coat, and ate the rest of Anya’s and we both felt better after that so we raided Red-Jacket-Raven’s cookie tin and had two each, before giving three to Ahmed, who told us that chocolate and avocado are bad for dogs, so Anya got two pieces of bacon out the fridge and gave those to the dog.

Ahmed smiled at us, thanked us, and I slept okay that night

You would’ve liked Ahmed and his dog

He smiles with his eyes

 


	27. Chapter 27

No one was home today

I spent the day with Ahmed and his puppy

We played hopscotch using plastic bags, because the rain kept washing our chalk away

He says the dog’s name is Noodle, because his best friend liked dogs and noodles before her head got blown off

He then told me that his friend didn’t eat dogs and noodles together, she ate noodles, and then she played with dogs. She didn’t eat dogs. He said no one should eat dogs because they’re fluffy and warm.

I agree with him.


	28. Chapter 28

Anya sold my apartment today, and got me the one just below hers and Red-Jacket-Raven’s

I was really upset, because it meant I had to get a room mate

Red-Jacket-Raven says I can stay with them until I find one that I like

I wonder if Ahmed can be my room mate

What do you think Cos?


	29. Chapter 29

Red-Jacket-Raven found me playing snap with Ahmed today

She looked kinda pissed off until she found out we were playing with the bag of puppy kibble I bought with Anya as reward money, and whoever lost had to feed Noodle. Noodle thought it was a great game.

Ahmed calls me Sunshine

He thinks its funny

He thinks lots of things are funny

He’s kind of like you like that


	30. Chapter 30

Today Ahmed told me that Noodle was a cross between a pit bull and a Labrador

I think Noodle is a cross between a mud puddle and a tapeworm


	31. Chapter 31

Anya asked me what I wanted for Christmas

I’m not looking at Anya anymore, because I don’t want it to be Christmas

Red-Jacket-Raven asked if Ahmed wanted to join us for dinner

Ahmed said he didn’t know much about Christmas, but he’d love to


	32. Chapter 32

Anya and I bought Ahmed a waterproof jacket 

Red-Jacket-Raven bought Noodle a bath and a collar with her phone number on it, so if Noodle gets lost we can get him back

We’re going to give the presents to them at Christmas dinner

I planted new flowers next to you Cos

I hope you like them


	33. Chapter 33

Dinosaur Boy was at the park today because it wasn’t raining!

He was wearing a bright green jacket and a purple beanie and his mom was wearing one with red firetrucks on them

Anya reckons that they swapped

They were building a snowman, except it was more of a slushman because the snow was half rain, but he seemed happy about it

His mom wasn’t so impressed when he started wrestling with the slush man, because his beanie fell off and his ears turned red and his face got covered in mud, but she was laughing too, so I think he’ll be okay

One day I’ll ask Red-Jacket-Raven what his name is

When my words come back


	34. Chapter 34

Red-Jacket-Raven has declared Sunday’s as shower days

I don’t like Sundays very much


	35. Chapter 35

It’s still November, I don’t get the big fucking deal about Christmas

You’re always so passive aggressive during November, because you like Halloween and Christmas, but November is jammed between them

I remember the one day you broke into the library to put up Halloween decorations 

I had to come get you out of jail

It was fun


	36. Chapter 36

Ahmed wasn’t around today

I hope he’s okay

Red-Jacket-Raven got hit in the face by a pillow when she “accidentally” tickled Anya

It was funny until I got hit by someone’s sock because they both have terrible aim

I escaped to my room after that


	37. Chapter 37

Storm Clouds was with Dinosaur Boy at the park today

It snowed properly last night, so they built a snowman

Dinosaur Boy swapped beanies with her

She looked happy with the fire trucks

He looked like an Oompa Loompa because he was wearing his green jacket and neon pink beanie

He waved at me again, so I waved back

Red-Jacket-Raven and Anya were too busy stuffing snow down each other’s jackets to pay much attention to Dinosaur Boy and Storm Clouds


	38. Chapter 38

Ahmed and I built a snowman on the sidewalk

Noodle then tried to eat the snowman, so Ahmed called it a snow zombie received ten bucks from some random dude for it and the dude said

“Nice artistic vision my guy”

We tipped his dumpster onto it’s side

He’s found a huge sheet of scrap metal, which he now uses as a door for his dumpster

He leaves the lid propped up on a metal rubbish bin as a kind of porch

It’s pretty clean inside

He has rubbish bags which he’s filled with straw, newspaper and cardboard lining the floor

He calls it his waterproof carpet

Then he laughed, and had to retrieve Noodle, who had chased a rat into a drain, and had gotten his nose stuck


	39. Chapter 39

Red-Jacket-Raven made more cookies today, and threatened Anya with a frying pan when she caught her with her fingers near the tray

I was grateful that she was distracted so I could steal two and escape to the park

They were yummy


	40. Chapter 40

Cos

Cos, you’re not going to believe this!

I went to the park alone today

I wandered around for a while, following random trails in the snow like we used to 

I didn’t find any used needles this time though

Anyway, I was wandering and wandering and I found Dinosaur Boy!

He was wearing a purple beanie again, and he looked miserable and confused, because lots of people were walking through the park to get to work, and he kept looking for someone, and taking a few steps one way, before realising it wasn’t the person, and then turning and going the other way, after seeing a new person

I looked around for Storm Clouds, or Red-Jacket-Raven (last time I’d seen her she was trying to kill Anya with a whisk) or the other blonde woman (I call her his mother, but I don’t really know)

He ran off the pathways, and tried to climb his tree, but he was too short to reach the branches 

His beanie fell off and he started crying and he looked so upset Cos

I went up to him and picked up the beanie, but it was all wet and cold, so I didn’t give it back to him

_ I am L-e-x-a _ I said (signed? You get it, right?)  _ are you okay? _

_ I can’t find mommy  _ He replied, wiping his face quickly.

_ What does mommy look like? _

_ She has yellow hair and a firetruck hat and black pants and blue eyes and black shoes and a blue coat and pink fingernails and her pinkie finger is purple. Can I have my hat back please? _

_ Why don’t you take my hat? That way you know that I will help you _ I said, because his ears were turning red, and his hat was wet.

He accepted so I gave him my grey hat and I put on the wet one and he took my hand. We looked for mommy, but we couldn’t find her, and he was starting to panic again so I bought him a hot chocolate and we sat on a bench for a while.

There were fewer people rushing through the park by the time he’d finished, so we started looking again. He tugged on my hand so I looked down and he said

_ If we get high up maybe we can see her _

_ Good idea _ I said and helped him onto the bench and then onto my shoulders. He was a little heavy, but I managed okay

He pulled at my ear gently, and pointed towards the statue in the middle of the paths, so I walked that way and standing on the base of the statue was a woman with yellow hair and a firetruck hat and black pants and black shoes and a blue coat, but I couldn’t see her fingernails or eyes from that distance.

I helped Dinosaur Boy down, because there were lots of people on the paths and I didn’t want him to fall, and he took my hand again, and we walked to the statue.

He clapped twice, and Yellow-Hair-Black-Pants-Black-Shoes-Blue-Coat turned to look at us, and she  _ did _ have blue eyes, and when she jumped down, Dinosaur Boy ran towards her, and she hugged him tightly and she also had a purple pinkie finger and pink fingernails, so I guessed that this was Mommy.

_ Mommy, this is L-e-x-a. She gave me her hat so that I’d know that she’d help me find you _ He said, running back to me and taking my hand, dragging me forwards to meet Mommy. It was slightly awkward, because I didn’t want her to know I didn’t talk and she had very pretty eyes, and it was sort of distracting, but then she said

_ Thank you L-e-x-a for helping A-d-e-n. _

_ My pleasure  _ I said back, and my mouth did this weird twitchy thing, almost like a smile, but not quite  _ I’m sorry but his hat got a bit wet _

Someone yelled nearby and both of us turned to find Red-Jacket-Raven and Angry-Looking-Anya running towards us.

Well, Anya was running and Red-Jacket-Raven was limp hopping, but she was closer, so she got there first.

“Raven!” Mommy-Yellow-Hair-Blue-Eyes said happily, giving Red-Jacket-Raven a big hug.

_ Auntie R-Bird! _ Aden said excitedly, barely waiting until Mommy-Yellow-Hair-Blue-Eyes had let go before jumping into Red-Jacket-Raven’s arms. She hugged him close.

“Hello Clarke.” Anya greeted more calmly, giving Mommy-Yellow-Hair-Blue-Eyes a quick hug, before turning to me with murder in her eyes.

“Oh, Anya, this is-” Clarke started.

“Clarke, this is my sister Lexa, Lexa, this is Clarke.” Anya interupted.

I nodded, because I knew that and then nearly jumped out of my skin when Clarke hugged me too.

She smelled like sunshine and chocolate, and her hair was soft.

“My apologies Lexa, I thought you were hard of hearing.” She said.

“Lexa doesn’t speak.” Anya answered, “and she has selective hearing, seeing as she didn’t hear me say  _ we’re going out for lunch _ before she went on an adventure in the park.”

I had heard her. 

I just didn’t want to go out for lunch.


	41. Chapter 41

Aden wasn’t in the park, and Ahmed and Noodle were somewhere else today

Anya threatened to exsanguinate me with her keyboard because I was pacing

I signed bored to her, and she stared at me for a solid minute before hugging me tightly

It’s the first thing I’ve communicated to her for more than six months

Raven made lasagne for dinner 

She didn’t burn it


	42. Chapter 42

Ahmed and I got donuts today

Noodle got a bagel

He told me that Noodle is definitely part Labrador (Ahmed told me, not Noodle)

I don’t think Ahmed knows what a Labrador is


	43. Chapter 43

Red-Jacket-Raven has a cold and is insufferably cuddly.

She smells nice, but it’s still weird

“Suck it up buttercup, my apartment, my rules, and I say the sick person gets cuddles.” She told me.

Maybe she’s not that bad after all.


	44. Chapter 44

I take it back, she’s a witch.

She puts peas in omelettes!


	45. Chapter 45

Aden and I played dinosaurs at the mall today

Clarke, Raven, Storm-Clouds-Octavia, and Anya conspired against me

Instead of going to the dentist, Anya drove us to the mall, and Aden smiled so widely when he saw us that I didn’t feel like leaving

While the so called “adults” sat at the table talking trash about Storm-Clouds-Octavia’s boyfriend, Aden and I sat on the floor and played dinosaurs

I hope we can do it again 

The dinosaurs, not the lunch


	46. Chapter 46

It’s almost Christmas

Trees and lights are up

Snow covers the ground

People are singing and kids are on holiday

I feel miserable


	47. Chapter 47

Today was Sunday

Enough said


	48. Chapter 48

I got home from the park today to find Red-Jacket-Raven has officially lost her mind

There’s tinsel in the shower

_ The shower _ Cos!

Anya managed to talk her out of putting a holly wreath on the toilet, but I’ve barricaded my door

I’m not taking chances


	49. Chapter 49

Apparently Clarke, Aden, Storm-Clouds-Octavia and Boyfriend are joining Ahmed, Noodle, Anya, Red-Jacket-Raven and I for dinner

I’ve evacuated because Red-Jacket-Raven has made a Christmas playlist

Four more days until Hell and High Water


	50. Chapter 50

Ahmed and I found a violin in a dumpster whilst we were looking for Noodle

It wasn’t in bad condition, so we patched it up a bit, tuned it in the mall music store and went playing in the subway

We found Noodle in Subway, he was munching happily on a Turkey-on-Rye.

We used the money from my violin playing to buy lunch, and to buy Noodle a bone

I’ve got to go practice some more, because I want to buy Ahmed a new pair of shoes

His military boots are his most prized possession and I don’t want him to have to wear them out because they’re important to him

Maybe I can convince  ~~ Rudolph ~~ Red-Jacket-Raven to let me play carols instead of her belting them


	51. Chapter 51

Went back to the subway without Ahmed and played again

I wore Clarke’s hat because Aden never gave mine back

Someone gave me their phone number instead of money

I don’t know why

Two days


	52. Chapter 52

Anya caught me in the subway and put a fifty into my case, before buying me a Subway and asking if I was okay, if I needed more money

I said  _ I want to buy A-h-m-e-d new shoes  _

And she smiled a bit and sniffled a bit, and then had to excuse herself because she snorted a sesame seed. 

I put the fifty back into her bag, and continued playing

I made an old man cry, got sworn at by a young woman, and a business card from some music company

One day


	53. Chapter 53

Red-Jacket-Raven burst into tears twice and cooked enough food for a small army

Anya talked some sense into her, so she ~~yelled out the window~~ asked Ahmed if he had any friends

He said he did, and she said to bring ten

Then we realised there wasn’t enough space in Raven’s apartment, so we migrated her table down into _my_ apartment, and had to go fetch Storm-Clouds-Octavia’s table as well

Then Red-Jacket-Raven freaked out because we didn’t have presents for Ahmed’s friends, and Anya pointed out that we didn’t know if the friend’s had dogs, at which point Raven started crying _again_ because she hadn’t made anything for the dogs.

Anya called Clarke over and asked her to sedate Raven for a few hours, and Clarke said that it was illegal, so Anya shoved half a bottle of vodka and a joint into Raven and she seemed to calm down enough for us to go shopping again

Clarke mumbled that the joint was also illegal, but I don’t know why, because she was the one who provided it

It wasn’t much fun, because there were lots of people, but Raven tried to shoplift four pairs of socks and a bag of diapers (?) which was kinda funny

We got back home, and Raven then insisted that we moved all the decorations into my apartment, but this time _I_ had the keys, so I locked her out of the bathroom, so there’s not tinsel in the shower.

She emptied a handful of glitter over me in retaliation, so I had to go back upstairs and shower, and then Anya went to give Ahmed Noodle’s gift so that there would be no fleas in my apartment, and Raven escaped and continued cooking, so we asked Ahmed if he could bring a few more friends, to which he replied that he’d run out at fifteen, so to prevent disaster, Storm-Clouds-Octavia said she knew some people.

In total, we have four dining room tables and three couches, and four armchairs and five beanbags, and ten blow up mattresses in my apartment. Then there were two double beds, and a mattress in Raven’s apartment, as well as a comfy carpet.

Just before everyone arrived, Raven remembered that the old lady that lived next door to her (Crazy-Hair-Molly) had no family, so we had to invite her too.

Ahmed knocked on the window at exactly six, dressed in his dress uniform, with Noodle wearing a bowtie, and we let him in, followed by ten more military, and four teenagers, all of which were scrubbed clean and neatly shaven and dressed.

Storm-Clouds-Octavia’s boyfriend ended up being my high school friend Weedy-Kid-Lincoln, who’d finally grown into his big feet. Aden was wearing a dress shirt, a blue bow tie and a cape, and looked snazzy as he proudly shook everyone’s hand and gave them green and red pasta necklaces.

 _Hello L-e-x-a_ he said as I bent down so he could loop it over my head.

 _Hello Brave A_ I replied. Red-Jacket-Raven had told me that that was the sign he used for himself instead of having to spell his name.

 _Quiet L_ He grinned.

I hugged him.

I had a name.

Smiley-Boy-Monty and Goggle-Man-Jasper arrived next, as Octavia’s guests, followed by Soft-Smile-Wells, and Soft-Hair-Maya. Grumpy-Face-Murphy, and Bright-Eyes-Emori and Sharp-Face-Echo rounded the party to thirty and four dogs and a cat.

I sat between Anya and Aden, and across from Sticky-Fingers-Wolfie. Wolfie was fun, because Smokes, her self-appointed guardian, kept catching her slipping things into her bottomless pockets, and because she had a cat called Smirnoff.

Echo sat across from Aden, and made him grin widely when she showed him her bright blue hearing aid, which she took out and put in her bag. Her long arms were quick to pass him whatever he wanted, and they shot signs at each other faster than I could follow, giggling quietly.

Molly got rip roaring drunk and went head to head with Grumpy-Face-Murphy who was sent whimpering back to Bright-Eyes-Emori.

At some point, Aden and I slipped away to play with little skateboards in the bathtub, and Clarke found us when she came to fetch us for dessert.

Big-Man-Gustus presented everyone with wooden flutes that played three different notes, and Scary-Stern-Indra promised to teach self defence to anyone who wanted to learn. Octavia immediately volunteered, and Sensible-Colleen quickly stopped them from starting right then and there.

Noodle, according to Military-Vet-Angelo was a cross between a pit bull and a blue heeler.

Ahmed asked if that was the same as a Labrador, and Near-Silent-Athena burst out laughing, and proudly paraded her Labrador ridgeback, Cat, for comparison. Cat was wearing fairy wings, which were provided by Squeaky-Voice-Tom.

Anya fell in love with Steve, a No-One-Fucking-Knows-Mind-Your-Language-Angelo fluffball with too many teeth, and cried a bit when Scaredy-Cat-Artigas said she could have visitation rights.

Patch belonged to One-Eye-Tomac, and had...no patches, yeah I don’t know where the name came from. And had huge paws despite being the side of Lincoln’s foot, so we knew he’d be big one day.

Jasper fell in love with Maya, and proclaimed so loudly, and Maya blushed and hid behind Clarke, who was giggling with everyone else, and Aden fell asleep on Big-Man-Gustus’ lap. Ex-Assassin-Logan sang Auld Lang Syne in a thick Irish accent, and then yelled at Tris in German, which thoroughly confused everyone, because only Indra spoke German, and she only laughed when she was asked to translate.

Medic-Man-Nyko and Clarke got into a discussion about stitches, and Raven and Anya were canoodling on the couch, whilst Octavia and Lincoln were on the fire escape. I sat with Huge-Man-Imp and took turns trying to throw popcorn into Jasper’s mouth. Jasper was too busy snoring to protest.

The four teenagers, Ahmed and Colleen were arguing about the rationing of alcohol (Colleen was saying none, Ahmed was saying one drink each, and the teenagers were ranging from 2 drinks to anything they wanted), and everyone else was lying around watching cheesy Christmas movies, or chatting or nibbling on a cookie.

Anya got me a new notebook with a blue cover, and Red-Jacket-Raven got me a shower caddy, and watched me open it with an evil smile. I got her a box of band aids with cars on them, and she scowled, and touched her nose in memory. I also got her socks, which she seemed happy with.

Ahmed cried slightly when he saw his boots, and definitely cried when he put on his jacket, and then called a sleepy Noodle over to put on the collar.

At about eleven some of the ex-military started looking antsy, and then Raven fetched a box of ear muffs, and Logan gave her a big hug, and chose a bright pink pair.

Everyone except Logan, Aden and I was pissed as newts, so car keys were locked away, and blankets were summoned, and when the fireworks started going off, people were either singing, sleeping, or watching a movie.

Today was okay.

You would’ve loved it Cos.

I’ll bring your present tomorrow.


	54. Chapter 54

I got some really good blackmail photos today

I let Clarke take my bed last night

It’s only right, right?

I slept on the carpet with Noodle, Wolfie and Athena

We let Artigas have the mattress because he’s the youngest

He said there was space for someone else, two people if no one kicked, but Athena kicks and Wolfie and  I don’t like sharing beds with people, so Tris volunteered

Noodle has the  _ worst _ morning breath, but Wolfie and I forgave him

There was still enough food for breakfast, and for lunch, and we packed the rest up and gave it to Ahmed and the teenagers to distribute, because Anya swore if she saw any more food she was going to lose her temper and no one really wanted that


	55. Chapter 55

My sheets still smell like Clarke


	56. Chapter 56

I still have glitter in my hair

Aden says I look like a fairy

We played fairies in the snow

I got to be a goblin, and he said he was a princess and demanded that we get glitter so that he can sparkle too

We got red glitter because that’s his favourite colour, and that’s why he wants to be a firefighter, because they drive a red truck


	57. Chapter 57

Clarke asked Raven to baby sit because she was on late shift

Raven didn’t tell me, so I walked out my bedroom to see her and Aden watching Fast and Furious

We raced cars around the carpet, and then we tried to bake red cookies, but they ended up pink, but Aden said that that was okay, because there’s a pink power ranger, and flowers are pink, so pink is an okay colour

I have never heard more sound reasoning in my life


	58. Chapter 58

Sunday.

At least I no longer smell like a milkshake thanks to the shower caddy


	59. Chapter 59

Anya hit her head on the shelf trying to wake me up because she said I was screaming and she was bleeding and I started crying because I was scared but then Raven woke up too and got Anya to sit down and fetched a clean drying cloth filled with ice and stopped the bleeding and said the cut didn’t need stitches and put a car plaster on it.


	60. Chapter 60

Clarke came over to check on Anya and said she’d be fine

She complimented the plaster, and Anya swore at her

Aden wasn’t with her


	61. Chapter 61

Ahmed and I went penny hunting in the wishing fountain in the park

I found a badge and a bullet casing

Noodle found a dead frog

An old lady threw bird seed at us, so we got out the fountain and went back to the apartment to defrost our feet


	62. Chapter 62

Anya got drunk and fell asleep in my bed whilst telling me all about thermodynamics and how Raven’s hair smells

I didn’t need to know these things Cos!


	63. Chapter 63

The snow is melting and its slushy and gross


	64. Chapter 64

Octavia got stuck in the tree in the park and I had to go rescue her with Indra, who I found in the subway

Aden and her were flying a kite, and we rescued the kite first, because we have our priorities straight, and Octavia wasn’t impressed with us

You would’ve found it funny


	65. Chapter 65

Anya brought Raven flowers today, but Raven had her headphones on and got a fright when Anya tapped her on the shoulder so she lobbed a handful of flour into Anya’s face, and accidentally snorted a flower up her nose

Anya swore she’d never try and be romantic ever again


	66. Chapter 66

Sunday  _ and _ Raven has been stealing my soap because she’s a lazy-ass who doesn’t like going shopping alone and she’s been out of soap since Wednesday


	67. Chapter 67

I saw Tris smoking in an alley near the theatre so we went to a movie together

It was pretty crappy


	68. Chapter 68

Played dinosaurs with Aden on the floor of the restaurant again

The waitress offered us (me and Aden) colouring things, and Rave got offended when she didn’t get any, so she stole mine, and then Clarke felt left out, and Octavia was about to start a riot, so the poor waitress quickly brought more crayons and paper.

Aden drew a fire truck with Noodle driving it, he’s pretty good

Raven drew a dick, and then turned it into an elephant

Octavia… drew a squank square and then coloured it in lots of colours

I drew a tree

Clarke went and drew portraits of all of us, and she’s really good at drawing and she’s left handed.

Raven said she got her nose wrong, so Clarke threw a crayon at her, so Aden and I quickly paid to avoid full out war.

I miss you


	69. Chapter 69

Wolfie gave me a heart attack, because I walked into my room at around eleven to find Smirnoff sleeping on my pillow, and a shaking teenager in the corner.

She was covered in blood and oil, so I got her into the shower, and gave her some of my clothes and she told me 

“Them gangs is at it again so I hid under a car and d’ya have a smoke?”

I didn’t, so I went to Anya and asked her if she had any and she did, so I took two and went back to my room.

We smoked together on the fire escape, and then I wanted to know if she wanted to stay the night, but I don’t have words and she can’t sign, so I tapped her on the arm and pointed at my bed and then mimed sleeping and pointed at her.

She said

“I ain’t gonna sleep with you, you ain’t my type, but I’ll sleep here if that’s what you’re askin’.”

So she slept in my bed, and I slept on the couch, and Raven accidentally sat on me when she wanted to watch cartoons at three in the fucking morning.


	70. Chapter 70

Anya asked me if I wanted to get a job and, to quote you,

“I’ve never been so offended in my life”


	71. Chapter 71

Went playing in the subway again and I saw Smokes, so I waved, and he waved back, and we ate Subways together


	72. Chapter 72

Octavia rocked up today, asked if anyone was home, so I shook my head, and she said

“Well that sucks, but I guess you’ll do”

And then she kidnapped me and we volunteered at a soup kitchen together

Where the fuck do all these people work?


	73. Chapter 73

Okay, I did some snooping (I hacked Anya’s laptop, her password was “dragonsmotherfucker”)

Anya and Raven work together for some sciency thing

Octavia works at a gym with Lincoln

Clarke’s a doctor (but I knew that one) and she works with Wells and Maya

Jasper sells weed and Monty is a tech guru if his gmail address is anything to go by ( [ montythetechguru@gmail.com ](mailto:montythetechguru@gmail.com) )

I don’t know what Echo does, but she’s a bit scary, so I didn’t snoop

According to the internet Emori is a social worker, and Murphy is a chef (who’da thunk?)

So to finish off, I’m a writer with no words, and you’re a dead artist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if Monty's email address is actually our Monty, so please don't send anything to it.   
> ...But if you do, let me know what happens?


	74. Chapter 74

Sunday and Noodle is missing


	75. Chapter 75

Anya and Raven are disgusting and I need to find a roommate


	76. Chapter 76

Caught Athena in a book store (her name fits her, I wonder if she chose it) and we had hot chocolate together and I bought her a backpack to put her books into. Noodle has been found.


	77. Chapter 77

I know it’s spring because Raven stole Anya’s razor and is sitting in the sink, shaving her legs


	78. Chapter 78

Clarke came by to ask if anyone could babysit so I said

_ No one’s home _

And she said

_ Would you mind watching Aden for a few hours? _

And I said

_ No problem. Hey Brave A _

And he said

_ Hello Quiet L _

And Clarke left and Aden and I baked cookies, but they were green this time 

“ _ To match the grass _ ” As Aden so wisely said, so we ate some and then we went to the park and had ice cream, and I made him promise not to tell Clarke, and he promised.

Tom was at the park teaching some ragged looking kids soccer, so we played with them for a bit, and then Clarke Skyped me to say that she was on her way to fetch Aden.

We saw her car pull up outside as we got back, so we climbed up the fire escape, and in through the window in time to answer the door.


	79. Chapter 79

I found Patch on the tracks in the subway, so I jumped onto the tracks and got him off there, and got yelled at, but Patch was okay

I looked for Tomac, but I couldn’t see him, so Patch and I went for a bath, and then I found Ahmed and asked him if he knew where Tomac was, because I had Patch.

Ahmed said Tomac was usually hanging around by the docks, so I bought a leash because that’s the law and I didn’t feel like carrying the lazy pup as well as my violin, and we went to the docks

We found Tomac at the fish market, and he was really happy to see Patch again, and he said he would hug me, but he was covered in fish bits, so I nodded and offered him the leash and hurried home because it was my turn to cook.

I made chicken with mushroom sauce, and I didn’t poison anyone, so I’d say it was a success


	80. Chapter 80

Octavia nearly got me arrested today because she saw a dog and really wanted to pet it, but she wanted me to pet it first because 

“Animals  _ like _ you Lexa”

And it ended up being someone else’s dog that I walked away with and it was really messy, but in the end Indra saved both of us.

She’d apparently studied Law before joining the army.


	81. Chapter 81

Your flowers opened today Cos, do you like them? They’re blue and pink and white, and they look like candy floss.

I miss you so much.


	82. Chapter 82

Sunday and hayfever.


	83. Chapter 83

Wolfie came over again today, and we played on Raven’s Playstation and she showered and used my soap, but I didn’t mind because she  _ asked _ .


	84. Chapter 84

Located Artigas stealing potatoes in the grocery store, so I helped him, and also bought him a sandwich so he could save his potatoes for later. Steve was waiting faithfully outside, and had two small children petting him.

He’s getting bigger. 

Steve, not Artigas. 

Artigas is still tiny.


	85. Chapter 85

Followed Octavia to a lesson with Indra and organised lessons for Wednesdays. Octavia got thrown into a pond by Indra for 

“mouthing off.” 

I took a photo and sent it to Raven for

“Safekeeping”


	86. Chapter 86

Raven fell down the stairs today, so I’m writing this in the hospital.

I can hear Anya’s jaw grinding from here, and the nurse is probably breathing her last

Clarke came out to say that Raven has to stay the night

Anya nearly punched a hole through the wall, so I said

_ Thank you _ to Clarke, and took Anya to Octavia and Lincoln’s gym and pointed her towards a punching bag, and she gave it forty four degrees of hell.

We’re back home now, and Anya’s intent on driving to the hospital even though I  _ just _ saw her down a quarter of a bottle of tequila.

I’ll drive her in Raven’s car, with the roof down to try and sober her up.


	87. Chapter 87

Raven’s got some new pain meds, and she has to go to a biokineticist for a few months, but she’ll be fine.

She’s really milking Anya though, and the lovesick fool is falling for it.


	88. Chapter 88

Jasper came by with some weed and now the apartment smells


	89. Chapter 89

I had my first lesson with Indra today

It was fun, but I was really sore when I got home, so I took a bath, but then Raven and Anya got home and they were shedding clothes like Steve sheds hair, so I had to escape pretty quickly.

I need a roommate!


	90. Chapter 90

I saw Colleen today and we got coffee together and walked down to the pier. Her shoes are falling apart, but Ahmed says that her birthday is soon, so I’ll get her new ones.


	91. Chapter 91

Played my violin in the subway today, and found Monty, so we rode the train together to his stop and I walked home.

_ My _ shoes are going to fall apart soon at this rate.


	92. Chapter 92

Anya says my book is going to be republished. 

I used to care so much, but I don’t anymore, so I shrugged and escaped out the fire escape.

Ahmed and I went fishing in the wishing fountain again. 

I found a mood ring, and Noodle found another frog, but this one was alive.


	93. Chapter 93

There was a big fire today, so Anya, Clarke and I went to go see if we could help. We found Nyko, Angelo and Logan there already, so whilst they went and did their doctor thing, Anya and I started a small pile of donations, and when other people caught on and dropped off blankets or clothes, or even bottles of water, we started sorting them.

Anya beat me to the shower when we got home, so I bribed her into releasing my shower caddy, and went to shower downstairs.

I saw Smirnoff sleeping on your old armchair, so I knew Wolfie was around somewhere, but it’s okay, because no one else is using it, so she may as well. 

I’ll have to remember to buy her some groceries and stuff later.


	94. Chapter 94

I gave Colleen’s new shoes to Ahmed, because I didn’t know where I could find her, so she left a flower on my windowsill.

I put it in a vase, I hope you’re not angry Cos.

You’re the only one who's brought me flowers before, I know, but it’d be rude to throw it away.

I’m sorry Cos.


	95. Chapter 95

Got arrested today for playing my violin. 

Apparently you need a license to play music.

That’s the stupidest rule I’ve ever heard, but I’ll get one I guess.

Raven asked to see my tattoos so I said

_ My sister would be angry if you took my shirt off _

And Raven went bug eyed and burst out laughing before asking if Anya knew I had tattoos

I told her

_ I’ve had it for years _

And she told me she thought it was my first time in jail, and I told her it wasn’t and went to bed.


	96. Chapter 96

Aden came over today! We made cookies (blue this time) and we wanted to go to the park, but Clarke’s shift ended early so there wasn’t time, but I promised him we’d go next time, so he took my sunglasses as a hostage to ensure I kept my promise.


	97. Chapter 97

Took Aden to the park today after explaining my promise to Clarke when she came over for tea.

We played soccer with Tom and his group of kids again, and got ice cream, and made wishes in the fountain

I wished that you could be here

I’m sorry that I can’t go there, but Aden still has my hat, so I’m not allowed to leave


	98. Chapter 98

Indra kicked my ass today, but I got my license so I can play again.


	99. Chapter 99

"Word on the grapevine" is that it’s Tris’ birthday on Sunday

I asked Raven if she’d help me bake a cake and she said she would, so I asked Anya if she’d come with me to get Tris a present and she said that she could on Friday.


	100. Chapter 100

Joined forces with Wolfie to give Smirnoff a bath. 

He wasn’t very impressed with us, but he was very fluffy afterwards.

Silly cat shouldn’t have gone fishing in the pond.

To quote Wolfie

“It stank as fuck!”


	101. Chapter 101

We bought Tris a pair of pants with zip off legs, and some new socks, which she looked very happy with, and Raven baked her a cake with blue icing, and she looked even happier, and then everyone came over to wish her a sweet sixteenth and she started crying, and Big-Man-Gustus was her teddy bear whilst she had a freak out.

Octavia bought her her new textbooks for school, and Clarke gave her some new shirts.

I hope she enjoys her holidays.


	102. Chapter 102

Teenagers are insufferable!

I caught a group of “stank as fuck” boys terrorizing Steve, so I rescued the clumsy creature and looked around for Artigas, and found him looking through a whole pile of empty boxes in an alley.

He held Steve close and thanked me again and again, and I bought him a sandwich, and we played soccer with Tom.


	103. Chapter 103

Sunday. It rained so I couldn’t go out because my shoe has a hole in it and I hate wet socks.


	104. Chapter 104

Raven got me new shoes, and then in the same breath told me I had to find a new home for tonight because it's her and Anya’s anniversary.

I considered hanging out with Ahmed, but he wasn’t in the alley, so I went for a walk and found Aden and Clarke in the park and asked them if I could crash on the couch for the night. 

Clarke smiled a really pretty smile, and said 

_ Of course you can stay. Are you allergic to anything? _

Except I didn’t know the sign for allergic, so I mimicked her and she laughed softly, and she has a really nice laugh, and then she told me what it meant so I said

_ I don’t eat tomatoes unless they’re disguised in small pieces in other things _ except I didn’t know the word for disguised, so I said  _ hiding _ and she laughed again and said

_ I’ll hide the tomatoes then _ .  _ Brave A, Lexa’s coming for a sleepover _ .

And Aden smiled really big and gave me a hug that was more of a tackle than a hug, and said

_Can we have ice cream?_ _Quiet L loves ice cream_

And Clarke didn’t know what  _ Quiet L  _ meant, so she asked Aden and he said

_ It’s L-e-x-a _

And he smiled, and she smiled, and my mouth did that funny twitchy thing again and she said

_ I’m Art C _

And she smiled and took Aden’s hand, and then reached for mine, and we went to her apartment.

It has painting and sketches all over the high parts of the walls, and Aden has drawn in crayons on some of the low parts, you would have loved it Cos!

She has drawn and painted people and buildings and landscapes and seascapes and sunrises and sets and I nearly walked right into Echo who is apparently their room mate.

Echo mumbled 

“Heart eyes.” at me, but I didn’t understand what she was saying, so I just walked around and looked at the paintings and drawings whilst she spoke to Clarke.

There was a beautiful flower growing in a graveyard, and I went to look at it because it was so pretty, and the flower was blue and pink and white and looked like candy floss and my heart did this funny sinking thing and I read the name on the tombstone.

_ Costia Archer _

_ With the stars she loved so much _

And then I was running, and Clarke was yelling, and Echo was chasing me, but I’ve been walking and running and practicing with Indra so Echo couldn’t catch me.

I was running and with every thudding step to the floor, my brain was getting less and less fuzzy. I stopped seeing all the pretty things in the streets, because really, what were they worth?

I ran to the park, but I saw Tom there, and I didn’t want to  _ know _ people, so I ran along the walking paths and I ran to the bower, but the roses were blooming and they weren’t supposed to be blooming because you said 

“They bloom for us Lexi”

And you aren’t here anymore!

So I left the bower and went to the fountain, because you said 

“It’s a gateway to other places Lexi”

I went to the beautiful white fountain with crystal clear water and gemstone fish with tails that swish, because you explained to me that they weren’t actually gemstones, they just looked like gemstones. 

“It’s a metaphor Lexa. It’s when you compare two things without comparing them, by finding things they have in common. These fish are shiny, gemstones are shiny, so we pretend that the fish are gemstones.”

But the fountain is broken now, and the stone looks gray and someone has tagged it with black spray paint and the water is scummy and green and looks like a toad’s back, and smells worse than the pond, so I keep running.

You lied to me Cos. The water isn’t a gateway.

I keep running, because eventually, I will have to stop, and hopefully, I will stop wherever you are so I can see your curly hair again and your bright smile and your beautiful cinnamon eyes. 

I keep running.


	105. Chapter 105

Ex-Assassin-Logan finds me. 

I don’t know where I am.

I was asleep when he found me, curled up in a tiny ball in some alley.

His green eyes are too gentle to me, so I get up and start running again.


	106. Chapter 106

It’s cold Cos.

I’m cold.

It’s summer and I’m cold.

It’s also Sunday.

Sundays are never good days.


	107. Chapter 107

I stole a sandwich because I was hungry, and I walked whilst I ate it because 

“Sometimes we all think better when we move.”

Then I ended up down by the docks and it wasn’t nice because it stank

But that was nice because it meant I could move and I didn’t have to think

It was not-nice-but-nice until I heard Tomac call out my name, and then I was running again because I don’t want to  _ know _ people.

I ran out the harbour and I ran to the piers, and it wasn’t nice because it was loud

But that was nice because it meant I could move and I didn’t have to think

And the Colleen touched my elbow, and her brown eyes reminded me of the rich red dirt in your yard

And dirt is bad for smoke

So I started running again.

I slept in a park

Not the park, because I  _ know _ people there

_ A _ park


	108. Chapter 108

I was hungry again, so I spent the rest of my money on ice cream

Then I remembered that smoke can’t eat ice cream, so I threw my ice cream away and continued running

I ran into the subway and that was loud _ and _ smelly, but I couldn’t move for long, so I got on a train because that’s what you do in the subway when you’re not playing the violin and eating Subway

I walked from one end of the train to the other, and was about to walk back when I saw Monty, and I  _ know _ Monty, so I got off the train and continued to run.

A policeman yelled at me, but I didn’t want to be arrested, so I ran faster to get away.

I kept running.

Because smoke hangs in the air until it starts moving and eventually it all disappears, and I’m smoke because we’re both insubstantial and an after-effect of fire, and we’re both bad for people.

So if I move fast enough, far enough, I will disappear too.


	109. Chapter 109

Anya caught me today.

I was running along the beach boardwalk and I heard her yell my name

I ran faster because smoke doesn’t  _ know _ people

I heard loud horns and then something slammed into me and I was flying, and for a moment I thought I had finally run fast enough, because I was flying and smoke flies just before it disappears

But then I smelled Anya’s soap, vanilla and honey

And then we hit the sand hard

I struggled against her because  _ damn it _ I was almost gone

I hit her in the nose and I hit her shoulders and I knew her nose was bleeding because there was a wet patch on my shirt and it was red

I hit her shoulders again and again but she’s  _ always _ been stronger than me

So I hooked my knees on her hips and rolled over

Because I’ve  _ always _ been faster than her

Except before I could make it two steps, she grabbed my ankle

And then she was on top of me again

And I was hungry and tired and I just wanted to disappear and I  _ couldn’t _

So I started to cry

And for the first time in a long time

I made a sound

I cried.

I cried and I stopped fighting her, because when I cry I don’t like seeing things, so I covered my eyes and cried

And she sat up and held me tight and I cried

I cried because my sister had a blood nose because of me

I cried because I’d been mean to Colleen and Tomac and Logan

I cried because the roses were blooming and you weren’t there to see it

I cried because the fountain was cracked and broken and ugly, and it wasn’t supposed to be

I cried because Clarke’s painting was beautiful, but you couldn’t see it and I could

I cried because you were beautiful, and I can’t see you anymore

I cried because I could finally make a sound, and it felt right

I cried, and Anya held me tight, because that’s what Anya does

And when I said 

“I love you Anya”

She cried too, but that’s okay because I had broken her nose


	110. Chapter 110

Raven made soup 

I ate some, and she told me to eat five more spoons, and I did

It tasted like chicken and herbs and vegetables and was really yummy


	111. Chapter 111

Aden and Clarke had come to visit when I woke up, but Raven locked herself in the room with me before I could leave and said

“It’s Sunday. The sooner you give up, the better.”

Not wanting to repeat what happened the last time she said that, I hastily collected some clothes, and at her pointed look, I made my bed too, because  _ no one _ wins an argument with Red-Jacket-Raven.

I showered as quickly as I could, and Raven passed me a towel and I smiled a little, because she was smiling at me.

She brushed my hair in the bathroom, and I let her because I like it when people do my hair, and then with an exaggerated flourish, she opened the door, and Aden bounced into my arms like the red bouncy ball that he was.

I hugged him tight, and he smelled like bubble baths and grass, and when I put him down, Clarke gracefully stepped into my arms and kissed my cheek.

Her lips were soft and pink and she smelled like sunshine and chocolate, and I hugged her tight too, and buried my face in her hair. Her hands were warm, even through the fabric of my shirt.

“I’m sorry.” she whispered.

“You’re beautiful.” I whispered back, because it was the truth.

Raven coughed pointedly behind me.

It’s the kind of thing that Anya taught me is a 

“Social cue, so you should probably stop what you’re doing or saying because you’re making uncomfortable”

I let go of Clarke and she sighed softly before she stepped away, and my brain stopped working for a moment.

They didn’t stay for much longer, and I was sad and glad because I wanted them to stay, but I wanted to sleep too.


	112. Chapter 112

Echo came past whilst I was still asleep with chocolates, but Raven’s on her period so she ate them all.

Then she cried a little and said she was very sorry, and made me cookies so I ate six and felt a bit sick, but at least it got her to stop crying

I never want to see Raven pregnant.


	113. Chapter 113

Raven called Clarke over because apparently I have

“Blisters all up in your feet girrrrrl”

And she only knew that because she doesn’t knock and walked in whilst my socks were off.

I wanted to shower before Clarke arrived, and Raven said

“You are so whipped for Griffin it’s pretty gross”

And I didn’t really understand who was whipping me, or who Griffin was, so I just sat on the couch with her until Clarke got there.

Clarke had a big bag with her that smelled like Hospital and she made me take my socks off, and asked if she could touch my feet, which was a bit weird, but I just nodded, because Clarke is a Doctor and 

“You have to do what the Doctor says Lexa. Same as the Police”

And she poked at my feet with a needle and then bandaged them up and let me put my socks back on.

Then she gave me a hug, and hit Raven on the head and left


	114. Chapter 114

Anya asked if I wanted to go to gym with her today, but I don’t like the gym because there’s other people there and I don’t shower when there’s other people, and also it smells a bit strange and someone threw up on the floor once.

She said I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to

I shook my head, because that means no, and I  _ didn’t _ want to

She said

“Okay, but can we go to the park later?”

I nodded because I like the park and she smiled and pulled my hair, but gently so I knew she wasn’t trying to hurt me

We got ice cream and played soccer with Tom


	115. Chapter 115

Raven has declared that she is

“Never wearing no stank ass pants again because it’s like Satan’s asshole here!”

And is now sitting on the couch in a red bikini

She has a tattoo of an origami raven on her back

I don’t understand what she did to her pants to make them 

“Stank ass”

But the pond is “stank ass” and so are teenage boys, so I don’t think I really want to know.


	116. Chapter 116

It  _ is _ very hot though, so I took off my socks, and Raven pretended to have to call the police for

“Public indecency”

So I locked her on the fire escape for ten minutes

I would have left her there for longer, but she was starting to pick the lock, and Anya got home and she didn’t seem very impressed, so I let Raven back in and she threatened to defenestrate me


	117. Chapter 117

Aden and I went swimming today!

I said he should be a Seal not a fireman, but he thinks that seals are stinky

I agreed that seals are stinky, and made a note to ask Imp if Seals were stinky too


	118. Chapter 118

Ahmed says that Imp is usually near the car district on Thursdays, so I’ll go look for him tomorrow.


	119. Chapter 119

I wrote on a piece on concrete with a piece of green chalk that Imp gave me because he says his signing is different to mine, and I don’t really feel like talking to everyone, only to special people like Anya, and Clarke, and I guess Raven because she eavesdrops and is generally a pain in the ass

He laughed at what I asked and said

“Depends on how long it’s been since a shower.”

And that made sense.

So Cos, seals are stinky, and Seals are only stinky when they haven’t showered for a while.


	120. Chapter 120

Noodle nearly got us arrested because he went for a swim in the wishing fountain and there was a policeman walking past so Ahmed and I had to get in the fountain to get him out and we’re not supposed to be in the fountain, and the policeman yelled

“Hey! What are you doing? Get out the fountain!”

And Ahmed said

“Fetching my dog sir! Sunshine was just helping me!”

And I jumped on Noodle and dragged him out the fountain and Ahmed had to lend me his jacket because I was wearing a white shirt.

Clarke and Raven were sitting on the couch when I walked in and I gave Ahmed back his jacket and Clarke spat out her drink and Raven made me go change.

Clarke was gone when I came out my room.


	121. Chapter 121

I saw Mama today!

Well, through Anya’s laptop

She looks happy and she said

“I miss you Leeshy Loo.”

And I said

“I miss you too Mama”

Because I did, and Mama is special so I’ll talk to her

Anya and her talked for a bit and then she said she was coming to visit!

Mama gives the best hugs, and I want to show her your flowers.

I’m excited scared.


	122. Chapter 122

Wolfie is missing and Smirnoff is scared, so I let him sleep in my room


	123. Chapter 123

Colleen and I went looking for Wolfie, but we couldn’t find her


	124. Chapter 124

Octavia and I went all over the subways but we couldn’t find Wolfie, but we found Athena, and she said she hadn’t seen Wolfie either.

I hope she’s okay, Cos. 


	125. Chapter 125

WE FOUND WOLFIE

Well, more like Smokes found Wolfie and then brought her to our apartment before leaving

She’s very hurt Cos, and I’m scared

Clarke and Nyko are on their way


	126. Chapter 126

Smokes came back with Logan and Angelo and they all looked beat up, and Clarke wasn’t impressed with them, but Logan said

“We did what we had to”

And Wolfie is feeling a little bit better, but Echo is sleeping in my apartment because Clarke wants to be able to keep an eye on Wolfie, so she’s sleeping in Echo’s bed.

Smirnoff is looking very unhappy

He has also started eating the blinds (?)


	127. Chapter 127

Clarke says that Wolfie has to rest for at least a week, but that she should be okay. 

The problem is that I’m supposed to stay with Anya, and we’ve decided that Wolfie should stay in my room, so I guess I’m sleeping on the couch.

I don’t like sleeping in the middle of the apartment, Cos!

But Wolfie is small (not really, she’s taller than Octavia) and hurt, so she should have my bed


	128. Chapter 128

Clarke has offered for me to sleep in Echo’s room whilst Wolfie gets better, because Echo has moved closer to her work.

I’m gonna see Aden so often!


	129. Chapter 129

I miss Anya and Raven, even though they’re really gross sometimes.

Aden and I drew dinosaurs on the wall

He drew a pterodactyl, and I drew a triceratops

Clarke made spaghetti and mince for dinner and the tomato was chopped small and disguised in the mince and it was very yummy


	130. Chapter 130

Clarke let me walk with her and Aden to daycare!

He introduced me to his friend Tristan and his other friend Didi

Then I walked Clarke to work and went to play in the subway

I used the money I made to buy things for dinner, and I made the pasta red and blue because red is Aden’s favourite colour and blue is mine

I should ask Clarke what her favourite colour is


	131. Chapter 131

Clarke says her favourite colours are green and purple.

It made me a little sad, because your favourite colours are green and gold, and she reminded me of you, but I said that they were very pretty colours and that she made a good choice, and she smiled and said

“What’re your favourite colours Lex?”

And I said blue and silver, because I’m in Ravenclaw, and that Anya’s in Slytherin, and it’s also the colours of the sky, and the sea, but I didn’t tell her it was also because her eyes were blue and her watch has a silver face.


	132. Chapter 132

Aden and I made cupcakes and we iced them with green and red and blue and purple, and we made three yellow ones because Wells is a Hufflepuff and he was also there.


	133. Chapter 133

I beat Indra today!


	134. Chapter 134

Wolfie is doing lots better and Smirnoff has stopped eating the blinds


	135. Chapter 135

Anya and I went to the park and played soccer with Tom, and Artigas was there, so Anya didn’t play much soccer, she just played with Steve


	136. Chapter 136

Sunday and I’m leaving Clarke’s apartment to go back to live with Anya, because Wolfie is better again

She says she doesn’t want to talk about it, but Anya made her promise to call if she got hurt again


	137. Chapter 137

Noodle and I went dumpster diving and we found a NERF gun and some darts, so Ahmed and I took turns trying to hit Raven through the window with it

Raven has a bigger gun than us though, so she won.


	138. Chapter 138

Molly brought us muffins and stayed for dinner. She’s very nice and smells like soap.


	139. Chapter 139

I helped Tomac down at the docks today, and I gave him my earnings because he needs it more than I do

He bought me a drink at the pub, and then said he had to go before the shelter got too full

Anya told me that if I came home smelling like that again, she was going to throw tomatoes at me

I don’t like tomatoes Cos!


	140. Chapter 140

Tris and I went on an adventure in the subway together and we jumped off at an old station and she introduced me to some of her friends, and they seemed nice, so I bought all of us ice cream.


	141. Chapter 141

OCTAVIA GOT INDRA A JOB AT HER GYM!!!

Indra cried a little bit when Octavia told her, and all of us were there to clap as she walked in for her first shift

She’s teaching two self defense classes and she got given a uniform

Clarke has signed up for the beginners class and Octavia and I put our names down for the intermediate one


	142. Chapter 142

Someone ripped up your flowers

I’m so sorry Cos!

I should’ve taken better care of them

I should’ve put a fence up

I’m so sorry


	143. Chapter 143

Anya keeps waking me up 

I wish she wouldn’t

I just want to sleep Cos, why won’t she just let me sleep?


	144. Chapter 144

Sunday.

Raven picked me up and carried me to the bathroom

I was too tired to fight, so I just waited for the cold water

She ran me a bath, Cos

She ran me a bath, and she helped me wash my hair

I felt better but

I felt so much worse

I don’t mean to be like this

I just

I want to sleep


	145. Chapter 145

I woke up and Mama was lying next to me

She said

“I’m so sorry Lexa.”

And she played with my hair

She left a bouquet for you

Ahmed left a little potted plant

I’ll bring them tomorrow


	146. Chapter 146

Someone covered your grave in flowers Cos

They’re so beautiful

They’re orange and yellow and pink and white and they have big petals

It looks like the sunrise

I put Mama’s bouquet there too

It has lots of little white flowers

Now there are clouds in the sunrise

Can you see Ahmed’s plant too?

It has clumps of blue flowers


	147. Chapter 147

Sunday, and Aden’s got a cold

He’s coughing and says his chest is sore

Clarke says he’ll be okay, and Clarke a Doctor, so I know he will, but…

He’s very small Cos

I’m scared


	148. Chapter 148

Wolfie dragged me down to the park today, because she wanted to watch a martial arts exhibition

The sun was very hot, and she got sunburned

We got ice cream


	149. Chapter 149

Mama and I went to go watch a movie, but it was very loud, and I didn’t like it, so she held my hand and we went to watch the big fish pond outside the pet shop instead


	150. Chapter 150

Aden is feeling lots better and we played dinosaurs under the tree together


	151. Chapter 151

Lincoln and Octavia’s gym is a lot nicer than the one Anya goes to

It smells better too


	152. Chapter 152

Ahmed said he had to go somewhere where dogs aren’t allowed today, so he asked me to look after Noodle

Noodle is very wiggly and doesn’t like sleeping, so we went for a long walk and then we played with a ball and by then he was tired, so we went home and slept for a bit


	153. Chapter 153

Raven and I were home alone today and she played some music really loudly because she’s soundproofed her and Anya’s bedroom, and she danced and I jumped around a bit because I don’t really know how to dance, but it made me feel less sleepy

You would have found it fun

You like dancing


	154. Chapter 154

Anya asked if I wanted to go to the beach today 

I didn’t, but I could tell that she really wanted to, because Anya really likes the beach, and she was also already wearing her bikini under her clothes so I said yes.

We had lots of fun swimming and racing up and down, and then we played with a ball for a bit

Raven came to join us at lunchtime, and we had fish and chips, and fed the seagulls

Then I walked a little bit away and started building a sandcastle, because I like sandcastles, and Anya and Raven like doing things as a couple

A man shouted at me and said I was a spaz

I abandoned my sandcastle and started walking back towards Anya and Raven, because I don’t like that word, but he continued yelling, and then the most amazing thing happened

Raven threw the tennis ball at him

And she has very good aim, and she’s pretty strong because she likes taking cars apart and putting them together again

And the ball hit him in the face!

So Anya yelled

“Run!”

And picked up Raven, and we ran and they were both giggling, and I was smiling, because my tummy was all bubbly and it felt my blood was fizzing, and we got into Raven’s car and Raven said

“Drive drive drive, he’s coming!”

So Anya drove  _ very _ fast, and the roof was down, so it was windy and the wind smelled like the sea, and I felt like I was flying

I felt like I was flying, and like I was a bird, and like I was…

smoke


	155. Chapter 155

Tris came to visit Wolfie at the same time that I did and she’d been smoking weed and she asked

“Why is there a _d_ in fridge, but no _d_ in refrigerator?”

Before eating three bags of Doritos and a block of cheese and falling asleep on Wolfie’s bed

And to be completely honest Cos, I don’t _know_ why there’s a _d_ in fridge and no _d_ in refrigerator


	156. Chapter 156

Raven and I went to the scrap yard, and we found some really  cool metal things

She threatened to never make lasagna again if I told Anya

I’ve decided I’m not going to tell Anya


	157. Chapter 157

I bought Anya a new pair of boxing gloves, and Murphy said he’d make her a cake, because it’s her birthday soon.


	158. Chapter 158

Ahmed and I tracked down Artigas and Logan and Smokes and Wolfie to invite them to Anya’s birthday, and Wolfie said

“Fuck yes, more food!”

Which I guess means yes


	159. Chapter 159

Angelo and I went dog hunting, because Artigas is scared that Anya’s going to steal Steve. We found a little scrappy puppy with huge paws and mismatched ears and I paid for him, but everyone’s agreed that it’s a gift from everyone except Raven, because we haven’t told her yet.

Angelo said he’d take the puppy to get “fixed” and to get his shots, and that he’d bring him to Anya’s birthday


	160. Chapter 160

I think Raven is building a bomb with  the parts from the scrap yard, because she nearly burned her own eyebrows off and I had to help her draw them back on.


	161. Chapter 161

I found Gustus and Nyko in the subway, and we moved furniture around in my apartment so that we can have Anya’s party there. 

Smirnoff is not happy with us moving your chair around, and keeps meowing at Gustus, who is the only one who listens to him.


	162. Chapter 162

Anya and I went for a run all the way down to the pier, and there we found Colleen, so I wrote her an invitation on a napkin so that Anya couldn’t see it

Anya can’t see the invitations, because it’s a surprise party


	163. Chapter 163

Ahmed and I went hunting for a sound system, because Raven told us to

She’s kinda stressed out, so I’ve decided to do what she says until the party is over

Ahmed told me a bit about his best friend

He said she had dark hair, and that she shaved it all off in her first week in the army, because she was sick of all the sand getting stuck in it

He taught her some Arabic, and she taught him some Mandarin

She was a whizz with speakers, and rigged some in the rec room

Then she got her head blown off and the rec room got blown up so all he has left of her is a piece of metal

Then he threw a used notebook against the wall and left

I found a few speakers that had wires and some plastic covering them, so I hope Raven will be okay with that

I hope Ahmed comes back


	164. Chapter 164

Raven demanded to know where I got the speakers from, and I said they were in boxes outside a door that had a white sign with red writing that said

“Deliveries Only”

And she asked which building they were outside of, so I said

“The one with the blue sign that looks like icicles”

And she laughed and told me that I was a 

“Soldier for the right side”

And I said

“I’m not a soldier”


	165. Chapter 165

COS! I STOLE THOSE SPEAKERS FROM AZGEDA CORP.!

Anya laughed really hard when Raven told her, so I asked her

“Why are you laughing? Stealing is wrong!”

And she said

“Stealing is okay when you’re doing it for the right reasons.”

Before tugging gently on my hair, which is how Anya shows casual affection

And I asked 

“What are the right reasons?”

And she said

“When you’re trying to help someone”

And that makes sense, because I was trying to help Raven, which led to me stealing the speakers

Anya just said that I shouldn’t make a habit of stealing

I won’t.


	166. Chapter 166

Anya’s party is this evening and Octavia has decided that she had nothing to wear, so instead of helping Indra and Colleen with the decorations, and Tris and Wolfie with the lights, I’m sitting in the change rooms watching Octavia try on clothes

She is very small, but she has lots of muscles, and a tattoo on her back, like me

I asked her

_ Why did you get your tattoo? _

And she said

“Because I wanted to do something for myself for once.”


	167. Chapter 167

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the party last night, but I fell asleep and I don’t remember doing that

I’ll tell you what I remember about it now, and I’ll put it in the scene form you like

“First Lexi, you have to set the stage…”

We’ve moved all the couches to the edges of the room, to clear the floor

There’s no wall between the dining room and the lounge and the kitchen, so it’s a big dance floor with drinks and food on the kitchen counter

There’s colourful fabric covering the walls, red and black and green and white, and they move slightly when you move, so it feels like the room is alive and it makes a soft

“Shhhh, shhh” sound, but you can’t hear it above the music

Raven has put fairy lights behind the silk, so that it glows, and she’s put the speakers all over, so that the music is evenly spread, because no one likes it when the music is uneven

Murphy made a cake with red icing that says 

“Happy Oldday Anya”

And Lincoln bought half the liquor store and that’s on the counter too

That’s the scene

“Then you have a character list, and don’t forget their costumes”

I was there

Quiet-L-Lexa, wearing an unbuttoned dark green-and-blue flannel shirt, a black tank top, and black jeans. She’s not wearing shoes because she’s inside, and shoes aren’t worn inside, but she is wearing black socks. Her hair is tied back in a braid, and Red-Jacket-Raven has helped her with eyeliner

Angry-Bear-Anya, wearing a buttoned up (although it gets unbuttoned over the course of the night) red-and-black flannel over a white tank top and blue denim shorts. She’s wearing shoes on entry, because she wasn’t aware of a party. She is also wearing a blindfold on entry. Her hair is loose, and she’s wearing minimal make up.

Red-Jacket-Raven, wearing a red shirt that shows her stomach when she lifts her arms and denim shorts. Her hair is tied in a ponytail, until Angry-Bear-Anya undoes it. She is also not wearing shoes. She is wearing a little bit of eyeshadow, and her lips are painted darker than usual.

Storm-Clouds-Octavia is wearing a very short white dress (it’s probably one of Lincoln’s shirts that she’s done something to)  and a leather jacket, with black shorts on underneath. Her hair is loose, and she is wearing heels because without them she is the shortest person in the room.

Weedy-Kid-Lincoln, in his ever present white shirt and jeans. His socks have red toes, and he is not wearing shoes, because he want’s Storm-Clouds-Octavia to feel tall. His fingernails are painted dark purple.

Art-C-Clarke has her hair half up, half down, and it glows a little when she stands next to the white silk. She is wearing a blue dress with a collar, and bright pink socks. She is wearing lip gloss, and eyeliner.

Big-Man-Gustus is dressed the same as Weedy-Kid-Lincoln, except his fingernails aren’t painted. His socks are grey and he’s washed his beard.

Sticky-Fingers-Wolfie is wearing a grey shirt with a peeling design over a pair of jeans, and her socks are purple. Her hair is washed, and has been braided by Quiet-L-Lexa.

Scaredy-Cat-Artigas seemed to miss out on the memo between Weedy-Kid-Lincoln, and Big-Man-Gustus, because he is wearing a black shirt over his jeans. His socks are white, and one has a hole in it.

Bad-Girl-Tris has put new purple stripes in her dark hair, and her black pants are ripped at the knees. She is wearing a white shirt, and a denim jacket. She insists that her stompy-boots are clean.

Near-Silent-Athena is wearing a black shirt over a red plaid skirt, and her socks are black. Her blonde hair is secured in a bun, but pieces near the front have escaped.

Scary-Stern-Indra is dressed the same as Big-Man-Gustus, except she doesn’t have a beard, and they got into an argument over who wore it better.

Ahmed came wearing a bright orange tie, which wound up around Logan’s head. It clashed with his hair  _ horribly _ .

And I don’t really remember how the others were dressed. Smokes was wearing shoes though, and Logan’s shirt had flamingoes on it.

And... _ action _

Everyone was allowed to drink, so Tris and Artigas were drunk in about ten minutes and Wolfie and Athena were sitting on chairs with food talking about books. Indra and Gustus got into an argument about who was wearing the outfit better, and Lincoln won because of his fingernails.

Tris was taller than Octavia, despite the heels, and Octavia was grumpy about it, but she eventually took off her shoes because her feet hurt.

Anya kissed Raven for a longish time when the  blindfold came off, and Raven smirked at everyone when they finally stopped.

And we ate food and talked, and we had cake, and we didn’t sing because Anya really hates the birthday song, but we did give her presents, and she had candles which Raven wasn’t allowed to light, because Anya noticed that her eyebrows were mostly drawn on.

We talked and ate, and drank until the sashes of silk on the walls started to look more and more like fairies, and then Raven turned the music up and we danced.

Athena finally found the courage to kiss Tris, and Artigas wolf whistled at them and we all cheered, and Tris flipped everyone off and kissed Athena again.

And then we danced, except I didn’t really know how to dance, so I jumped around with Artigas, and we did the can can and then we all did the macarena, even though Anya swore that Raven wasn’t getting sex for a month, because straight after the macarena it was the cha cha slide, and those are the only two songs that I actually knew how to dance to.

Then Clarke came up and asked if I wanted to dance so I told her

“I don’t know how to dance”

She laughed a little, but not in a mean way, and took my hands, and said

“I’ll show you.”

And we moved to an unoccupied section of floor just in the hallway, and she put my hands on her hips, and she put her arms on my shoulders and clasped her hands behind my neck and we swayed side to side, even though it wasn’t to the right music.

“Look at that. You’re dancing.”

“This is swaying.”

“Swaying is kind of like dancing.”

And I guess that it’s a bit true.

By about one, everyone was either asleep, or almost asleep, so we pulled out the blow up mattresses again, and we tried to fit Gustus on the couch, but it didn’t really work, so Athena and Tris said he could take the spare bed instead of them, and somehow, they sweet talked their way past Clarke, and into  _ my _ bed.

I slept on the carpet (it’s actually very comfy if you have a pillow) and I let Clarke take the couch.

I’m sorry it’s not more detailed, but my head really hurts and I’m never drinking again

Ever.


	168. Chapter 168

Raven and Anya have finally emerged after two days

Raven says she can’t eat solids, and Anya’s lying upside down on the couch, googling alcohol poisoning

I guess I have to go to the shop and buy them something that they _can_ eat


	169. Chapter 169

Athena and I went locker snooping

It’s like dumpster diving

Except you break into the high school

And that’s a bit illegal

But it’s like dumpster diving because you open lockers and take any textbooks that are left

She found all the ones she needed, and Cat found a bag of weed

We’re going to give it to Tris


	170. Chapter 170

It was Aden’s first day of 

_ Big people school _

Today

He was shy at first, but then he saw Didi, and practically chased Clarke and I out the door 

I brought red cupcakes and Clarke put two in his lunch box

I hope he likes them.


	171. Chapter 171

Wolfie doesn’t seem to go to school

I wonder why, because she’s too young to have graduated.


	172. Chapter 172

I miss Tris and her questions about life

I don’t miss the smell of weed though


	173. Chapter 173

Noodle managed to get his face stuck in a bucket today and he nearly gave Molly a heart attack when he came wandering in through the lobby.

I rescued his face from the bucket, and returned him to Ahmed, who was looking for him in the alley.

Ahmed says Noodle has a few screws loose

I don’t think Noodle has any screws _left_


	174. Chapter 174

Your grave was covered in flowers again today!

Small dark blue and purple flowers and big white floppy ones, and tiny little red ones

It was so beautiful

It looked like the night sky

I don’t know who it is

I hope you like them, whoever they are

There’s purple paint on one of the white ones

It looks like a bird


	175. Chapter 175

Purple paint…

Purple paint and graveyards

Cos, it was  _ Clarke _

I have to go talk to her!

I have to thank her!

Anya says it’s too late to go out now

I said it was important, but she said

“Not tonight Lexa”

In a way that I knew something was wrong

She’s sleeping next to me right now

There’s loud noises outside, but they’re far away

Good night Cos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all ready for a case of the Feels?


	176. Chapter 176

Anya said we could go to Clarke

We walked, well, ran actually, but Anya made us take a funny route that was so much longer than the usual one, and she also kept stopping to check her phone, so it took longer than usual

Aden was at daycare, and Clarke was wearing a shirt that was too big for her, because it goes down to her knees, and it’s covered in paint

She said

“Hello Lexa. Anya.”

And Anya said

“Can I leave her with you?”

And Clarke said

“Do you want to stay here for a few hours Lexa?”

And I nodded because I did

Anya left after that

I took Clarke’s hands and looked at them, and there was purple paint on them, but also green and grey and dark blue

Her eyes are so pretty Cos

She asked if I wanted anything to drink, and I nodded and said

_Water please_

Because my throat was doing a weird thing and I don’t like it when people’s voices sound funny, which is why I don’t really like it when people cry

She smiled at me and went to the kitchen, so I looked around and saw a big white sheet on the floor, and it was covered in paint too, so I knew it was a

“Drop sheet, so that paint doesn’t get on the carpets Lexi”

On the drop sheet was an easel, and on the easel was a canvas, so I went to go look at it

Cos.

Cos, it’s so pretty

It’s a single grave on a green field, and there’s a girl standing on the field, but that’s not what I looked at first, so it wasn’t the _focus_ of the painting

Cos

She painted the sky

And she made it night time and she painted stars and the Milky Way and it’s purple and white and silver and dark blue and a little bit of black

She painted galaxies and nebulas in little bits of red, and gold, and the stars

 _Stars_ Cos!

I had to pinch myself to stop looking at the sky and look at the grave and grass and the girl

Cos

Cos, the girl looks like me

She has dark hair, and it’s curly and it’s got those “sun streaks” in it

And she’s holding up the sky

And the tombstone

It’s light grey with little white and blue speckles

Clarke came up to me with the water and I asked

“What inspired you?”

Because that’s what you told me to ask the artists if I liked what they painted

And she put the water down, and she took my hands, and I could tell she was avoiding the question, so I tried to step away, because I was scared that I had done something wrong

She held my hands tighter, and she looked up

Her eyes are so blue, Cos

And she said

“I met a girl.”

And then she stood on her tiptoes

And she kissed me

And I saw the _stars_ Costia!

And Costia, they were so bright

And I decided

I don’t want to be smoke anymore

I want to be a star


	177. Chapter 177

Oh no

Cos, I’m so sorry

I’m so, so sorry

I shouldn’t have done that

Why am I like this Cos?

Cos please forgive me

I didn’t mean for it to happen

I’m sorry


	178. Chapter 178

I brought you flowers

I’m still sorry


	179. Chapter 179

It’s Sunday, and I punched Raven, because she tried to get me to shower

Anya punched me the same way and told me not to hit Raven

Why won’t they just leave me alone!


	180. Chapter 180

I made Raven and Anya cookies to say I was sorry

Raven told me it was completely okay

Anya was a little less forgiving, but then Raven hit her and said

“Behave yourself you grumpy bear”

And it’s by far the best metaphor for Anya that I have ever heard


	181. Chapter 181

Clarke Skyped to ask if I wanted to go to the park today

I wanted to say no

But I could see Aden in the background and he was holding his favourite dinosaur and my favourite dinosaur

And I didn’t want Aden to be sad

So I went

And I didn’t talk to Clarke, because I love  _ you _ and she kissed  _ me _ and

I’m sorry


	182. Chapter 182

Anya woke me up today and said

“Get dressed. Athena wants your help with homework.”

And I didn’t want to get up, but I didn’t want to upset Athena even more, so I got up, and I got dressed, and Athena was sitting on the couch in her red skirt, but she was wearing a white shirt with a badge on it and white socks and black shoes, so I’m guessing that’s her school uniform

She had a notebook and she said

“I have to interview someone for an English project, and I saw your book, so I was wondering if I could interview  _ you _ ?”

And I nodded, but I wasn’t sure how she was going to conduct an interview with me, because I don’t talk, and she can’t sign.

But she gave me a few pages from her notebook, and a pen, and she asked questions like

“What is your book about?”

And

“Where did you get the inspiration to write it?”

And I wrote down

**My book is about an autistic girl called Ally, who has trouble understanding how other people communicate. She meets another girl called Sam who becomes her friend because she always explains things to Ally when she doesn’t understand. Ally falls in love with Sam, and has to wait until Sam has taught her about love and romance to realise it.**

And

**The inspiration for this story came from a very special person in my life, who like Sam, was always ready to explain things to me when they didn’t make sense.**

I hope I answered everything properly so that she can get a good grade.


	183. Chapter 183

Artigas came to us with an Emergency with a capital E, because if it wasn’t, he would have sent a message via Ahmed.

He said that the shelter wouldn’t sign his permission slips, and he had to go on the outing because that’s what their term project was on.

Anya looked at him for a long time, before sending me to find Indra.

Indra and Anya spoke on the phone to the school, and Anya yelled a little, and Anya’s really scary when she’s angry, so in the end, Anya signed all the forms, and told Artigas

“I made the school change me to your emergency contact, I hope that’s okay. It just means if anything happens at school, they’ll call me, and I can sign all your permission slips.”

Artigas cried a little, and hugged Anya, who really wasn’t expecting it, and she pulled a funny face.

Indra said if I missed any more classes that she was dropping me to beginners. 

I don’t want to be a beginner again, so I’ll start going


	184. Chapter 184

Octavia kidnapped me again today, and we went to the subway, and then to the furthest stop from home, and then we had to stand  _ on _ the yellow line and she kept whispering

“Wait for it...Wait…”

And then I started to hear a train coming, so I  tried to pull her back, because you’re not supposed to stand  _ on _ the yellow line, you’re supposed to stand  _ behind _ it

And she told me

“On three Lexa, we’re going to scream as loud as we can.”

And that was a weird thing to say, but Octavia is a good person, so I trusted her, and then the train started rattling past, and Octavia yelled 

“THREE!”

And we screamed.

People looked at us a bit weirdly, but the thing is, the train was so loud that they couldn’t really hear us.

We screamed and screamed and by the time that the end of the train rattled past, Octavia was red in the face, but her eyes were bright, and then she just started laughing.

“Thank you for coming with me Lexa. I hope it helped you too.” She said as we walked back to my apartment.

_ Why were we screaming? _ I asked, because I still didn’t understand it.

“Because I’ve had a shit day, and you’ve been sad. Sometimes we all just need to scream very loudly, and we feel better afterwards. Do you feel any better?”

And funnily enough Cos, I did.


	185. Chapter 185

Indra wiped the floor with me today

She said

“Being miserable never helped anyone get anywhere. Hands _up_!” And then hit me in the stomach.

I lifted my hands, and blocked the next two punches, and then she said

“Everytime I see you look at the floor and hunch your shoulders, and try disappear into the folds of your clothes, you’re going to do a set. Anya’s only fetching you in three hours, so until then, you’ll be doing as I say.”

And I kind of felt like a child, but Octavia does the same thing to people that she coaches, and Indra does the same thing to Octavia.

I did so many push ups and sit ups, and burpees and combinations that when Anya cam eot fetch me, I fell asleep in the car, and she had to carry me up to the apartment.

She said

“Indra’s pushing you too far”

And I said

“I deserve it.”

Because I do.

Mama told me

“When you do something wrong Lex, you get punished to make sure you don’t do the same thing again.”

And I did something wrong.

I kissed Clarke

And now I am being punished.


	186. Chapter 186

Everything hurt this morning

But I deserve it

So I did all the exercises that I could, every half hour, without leaving my room

I want it to hurt tomorrow too, because I hurt you by kissing Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not story related (again, so sorry)
> 
> I don't suppose any of you know how to feed a juvenile bird that refuses to beg?  
> I put seed down and it doesn't get the concept, so I'm presuming it isn't quite capable of eating by itself?  
> It has (had before the other birds all pulled them out) feathers, and it has drunk some water


	187. Chapter 187

I could barely move today, but when Octavia dropped by to ask if I wanted to go for a run, I went with her, because I did something wrong and I need to be punished.


	188. Chapter 188

Sunday.


	189. Chapter 189

I went for a run today.

I ran until my legs were wobbly, and then I ran a little bit further, because it hurt, but I did something wrong, and therefore I earned that hurt


	190. Chapter 190

Raven asked me if I was okay over dinner

I pushed my plate away, because I wasn’t hungry

Then I went to my room, because I didn’t feel like talking to her.


	191. Chapter 191

I fell down the stairs today

My legs were all wobbly, and my ears were hearing a whining sound

I don’t remember falling, but I remember suddenly being at the bottom of the staircase

I hurt all over

I’m so sorry Cos


	192. Chapter 192

Anya wouldn’t let me go to class today.

She said

“In the car. Now.”

In that special voice which means

_ Do as I say or I’m going to hit you on the nose, and then eat all the cookies _

So I got in the car and we drove

I like car trips, and Anya knows it

We opened all the windows, and we got out of the city and we drove

We drove and we drove, and finally Anya pulled over, and we bought toasted sandwiches with dribbly fried eggs and crispy bacon and melted cheese and we sat on the front of the car to eat 

Anya asked

“What happened?”

And I said

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’ve been talking less, eating less, doing more exercise, and avoiding the park. What happened? You were looking so much happier Lex, what happened? Why are you sad?”

I folded up the rest of my sandwich in the paper bag and tried to climb back into the car, but Anya grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me against her.

I usually don’t like it when she does that, because it means I can’t run, because she’s stronger than me, and when we were little she would do that when she was angry with me.

But today…

I’d been avoiding people so much

And my back was all knotted up, and every muscle that could hurt,  _ did _ hurt, and Anya was so warm…

I let her hold me

It reminded me a little of the way we would sleep, the way your breath would tickle my ear, but I’d never say anything, because you were so warm, and soft, and so... _ asleep _ that I just…

You’re distracting me.

Anya asked me again

“What happened?”

And I told her.

I said

“When I went to Clarke that day, I was looking at her painting. I asked  _ what inspired you? _ And she said  _ I met a girl _ and then she kissed me. I felt so happy and so we kissed again, just before you came back. I felt so  _ happy _ and that’s  _ wrong _ because I’m dating C-...”

But I couldn’t say it.

I couldn’t say your name.

Everytime I tried, a big lump would appear in my throat, and I couldn’t speak.

I tried again, and again, and again, but I couldn’t even say your name.

“Costia?” Anya murmured softly.

I nodded, because the lump wasn’t going away, and I don’t like it when people’s voices sound funny, because it’s hard to determine the  _ tone _ and therefore, I don’t know how they’re feeling.

“I did something wrong, and now I have to be punished.” I whispered eventually.

Anya let me go, and I turned around, expecting her to be angry. I thought that she was  _ supposed _ to be angry, because what I’d done was called  _ cheating _ and it’s a very bad thing to do!

Instead, she looked…

I don’t know the word, Cos.

Her eyes were soft, and so were her hands as she held onto my arms. Her mouth was doing a weird twitchy thing, up and then down, and then up again, and her ears were a little red, which usually only happens when she’s going to cry.

She said

“Costia’s dead Lexa.”

And I said

“I know this.”

Because I did.

“And if someone’s dead Lexa, you’re not dating anymore.”

So I said

“But I don’t want to stop being her girlfriend. I want to be her girlfriend!  _ She said I was her girlfriend and that we would be together forever! _ ”

Except I yelled the last part because Anya wasn’t  _ getting _ it!

And Anya said

“You  _ were _ together for forever Lexa. You were together for  _ her _ forever. Sometimes Lex, sometimes forever is just a moment, sometimes it’s a few years, sometimes it’s a lifetime. You gave her forever Lex, but her forever and your forever are two different forevers. Clarke isn’t a bad person Lex. She will understand if you tell her. You can tell her if you don’t want to be in a relationship with her, you can tell her if you want to wait for a bit longer, and you can tell her if you’re interested. Costia wouldn’t be angry about you finding a new forever.”

I said

“But isn’t that replacing her, and therefore cheating?”

And Anya said

“No. When your old shoes get holes in them, and you get new ones, are you somehow hurting the old shoes? The old shoes don’t mind that you got new shoes, they are happy because you wore them for as long as you did, and that they got to see as much as they did.”

So I told her

“Shoes are inanimate objects Anya, they don’t get happy.”

Is it true Cos?

Is your forever different to my forever?


	193. Chapter 193

Raven made me lie flat on the floor today.

My back clicked three times, and then she told me to roll over, and she took my hands and lifted them, so that my arms were at ninety degrees to my body, and my back clicked again

I have never had so much satisfaction from clicking my back

I felt like an octopus. 

Loose.


	194. Chapter 194

Anya asked me if I wanted to talk to Mama

I did, because I didn’t get to talk to her much when she visited.

We spoke on Skype, and she said

“Anya tells me you’ve been skipping meals.”

So I said

“I did something wrong and I needed to be punished so that I don’t do the bad thing again.”

And she looked at me for a long time before asking

“And do you think that you’ve learned to not do the bad thing?”

So I said

“I don’t know. How do I know when I’ve learned to not do the bad thing again?”

Then she said

“Well, sometimes it’s when you begin to associate the punishment with the bad thing. If you don’t know exactly what you’ve done, or why the other person is angry, you could just ask them. You’re allowed to ask people if they’re still angry with you, and if you think they might not be, then why don’t you explain to them why you did the bad thing?”

I thought for a little bit about that, and it made some kind of sense, except for one part

“But she’s dead, she can’t answer me.”

And Mama replied

“So then explain it to her. Explain the reasons for the bad thing to her.”

And that made sense.


	195. Chapter 195

Are you angry with me?

Have I told you enough about Clarke?

She has blonde hair, and blue eyes, and her hands are covered in paint when she has a day off

She smiles often, usually at Aden, and she makes the best spaghetti I’ve ever had

She hides the tomatoes in small pieces amongst the other food, and she always skypes so that I can sign if I don’t want to speak

She explains signs that I don’t understand, and _things_ that I don’t understand (like dancing)

She painted your grave, not once, but twice, and both times, she made it beautiful, just like you were

She doesn’t treat me like a child, but she doesn’t mind it when I don’t want to talk, or when I hold her sleeve because I’m scared, or when Aden starts yelling without a warning

If he’s scared (that’s when he yells) she runs and picks him up, and holds him tight, and he puts his hands on her chest, and she hums, or talks to him

I asked her why she does that, and she told me it’s because he likes the vibrations.

I understand that.

I like going to big speakers when they’re playing loud music and putting my hands against them, because they make my hands buzz.

She told me it was exactly like that

She’s a very good doctor, and I know this because she took care of Raven when she fell, and she took care of me when I had blisters on my feet, and she took care of Anya when she hit her head on the shelf, and she took care of Aden when he was sick

She’s very good at humming, and even better at singing, but she blushes if you tell her that

When she blushes her cheeks turn red, and her ears turn pink, and she avoids eye contact

She’s very pretty, but she’s often very tired, but that’s not a bad thing, because it means that she might let me watch Aden while she sleeps.

I think if I tell you more about Clarke, maybe you will like her, and instead of being angry with me, you will understand


	196. Chapter 196

Anya went with me to gym today, and she had a conversation with Indra

I knew she was talking about me

Usually, I’d be angry, I don’t like it when people talk about me

I can talk, I can sign, let me speak for myself

Just because I can’t see things the same way that other people see things doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of being in control of my own life

But it was Anya

And Anya knows that I don’t like it when she talks about me

So I knew she was having a “big sister” talk with Indra

She gives those often

Small things, like 

“Don’t make her eat tomatoes”

And

“Hurt her and I kick your teeth in”

And

“She hasn’t been eating and I don’t want you to push her harder than absolutely necessary. I value and thank you for what you’re doing, but she hasn’t been well lately, and I want her to take it easy.”

Maybe I was listening to their conversation a little bit

Indra didn’t make me do the burpees

I think Indra deserves a cake


	197. Chapter 197

Aden skyped me today

He said

_ I haven’t seen you for a long time Quiet-L, can we go to the park? _

And I said

_ Maybe this weekend, if Art-C says you can. Why don’t you ask her? _

And he ran away from the camera , before coming back with CLarke.

My heart missed a few beats and then did a funny jig to catch them again

I said

_ Hello Art-C _

And she smiled a little and sat down on the chair, picking up Aden and putting him on her lap before replying

_ Hello Quiet-L. Brave-A says you want to go to the park this weekend. _

I said

_ Yes. I don’t know if you have work. _

Aden twisted in Clarke’s lap and said

_ Please Mommy? I’ll be good! _

Clarke smiled again, then giggled when Aden signed

_ Please, please, please, please _

Finally she said

_ Okay. You and Quiet-L can go to the park. Can I come with, or is it dinosaurs only? _

Aden thought for a moment before saying

_ Mommy, you can come with. _

And Clarke turned to me and asked

_ Is that okay Quiet-L? _

And I took a deep breath, and said

_ Yes _

Because I need to know more about Clarke to tell you about her


	198. Chapter 198

Clarke did not come to the park

She got a call from the hospital before Aden finished saying  _ hello _ to me

I was little bit upset, because I don’t like it when plans change, but Clarke is a Doctor, so she has to go help people, and I understand that

Aden and I played dinosaurs, and we got ice cream, and we climbed the tree, and we played soccer with Tom

He told me about school, and about Didi, and about  _ Mean-D-e-a-n _

I said

_ Mean-D-e-a-n is not a good person. If he says mean things to you, you must remember that he is wrong. _

Because that’s similar to what Mama told me when I first went to school

“Sometimes being different isn’t a bad thing Leeshy. Other people might be different to you, but you’re there to learn, same as them. If someone says something horrible, remember that they are wrong, because you are my daughter and Anya’s sister, and we know you are a good person. Understand?”

But Aden is at a special school where no one teaches by speaking, so Aden can understand everything that goes on.

He says he’s really enjoying art class


	199. Chapter 199

Went playing in the subway again

Smokes was there and he listened for a while before asking me if I could follow on

I nodded, because I can

He plays the flute Cos!

We played and we played and we got lots of money, so we split it, and I bought us Subways and we walked around the park for a bit

Some of the leaves are turning again

Hot chocolate season!


	200. Chapter 200

I used the money from playing in the subway to take Wolfie out to the movies

She’s being whiny because Athena and Tris and Artigas have school, so they can’t see each other very often

I asked her (via a piece of paper)

**Why don’t you go to school with them?**

And she said

“They don’t want me in schools. At least not in the ones that I can afford.” She looked sad, but then smiled and said,  “I have a job interview lined up for Tuesday though, so that’s going to be fun.”

But the way her voice stayed monotone, and the way she raised her hands made me think she was using  _ sarcasm _ , so I don’t think she’s very excited for her job interview.

She said she had fun at the movie though, and thanked me for a long time afterwards, before telling me all about the movie again, but I didn’t mind, because I really liked the movie and did the same thing to Anya when she got home


	201. Chapter 201

Tris came to visit and to ask Raven for some help with her classes

Raven smiled so widely that I thought her teeth were going to fall out her head (that’s an  _ exaggeration _ because teeth don’t just fall out unless you’ve been hit in the face, or your teeth are rotten, or you’re still a child and your baby teeth are loose)

Tris showed her the drawing (is it drawing if you use a ruler?)

And Raven explained to her how to do it, and then Raven asked me if she could use a piece of paper which made me happy because I hate it when people say 

“Can I borrow some paper?”

Because 1. You  _ can _ borrow paper, but you  _ may not _ , and 2. If I say yes, then I don’t get it back, and that’s not what borrowing means, borrowing means that you get the item back again

But Raven said

“Lexa, may I use a piece of paper, preferably A3?”

And I nodded, and fetched the paper, and she fetched her own drawing bag, and then they drew together, except Raven finished first, because she says

“I do this for a living, but I left all my paper in my desk at work”

So she turned the paper upside down so that Tris couldn’t see what was on it, and then she made three sandwiches whilst she waited for Tris to finish, and she gave me one of the sandwiches

Tris got most of the drawing right, and then Raven explained to her on her own drawing where she went wrong, and how to fix it

Raven is a good teacher

Maybe I’ll ask her to teach me this kind of drawing, because I like rulers and compasses, and I’m very bad at the other kind of drawing


	202. Chapter 202

Octavia and I went to the soup kitchen again

A lady gave me a scarf

It is grey and purple and very warm

I said

_ Thank you very much _

And she said

_ You’re very welcome. You have eyes like my sister _

So I asked her

_ Does she have green eyes? _

And she smiled and said

_ No, she didn’t. But both of you see everything, and know everything at the same time. Thank you for doing this, and enjoy the scarf _

And I didn’t really understand this, so I asked Octavia about it, and she told me

“Hope lost her sister to TB. She was like you, I remember her.”

And I asked

_ Like me? _

And Octavia said

“She had autism too.”

But I don’t like that word, and Octavia is usually a nice person, so I trusted her enough to talk because I didn’t know the signs and I said

“She was autistic. She didn’t  _ have _ autism. It’s not something you can get rid of.”

And Octavia stared at me for a little bit before saying

“I’m sorry Lexa. I didn’t mean to offend you. I won’t say that again.”

And her eyes were big, and she stopped walking, and her feet were pointing at me, and that’s the body language for  _ serious _

I pointed at a hot chocolate stand and said

_ Do you want hot chocolate? _

But I really meant  _ it’s okay. I’m not angry with you _

And she grinned and said

“It’s on me. I owe you.”


	203. Chapter 203

Indra made me fight Octavia today

I let her win twice, and then Indra threatened me with burpees

Sorry Octavia


	204. Chapter 204

Anya invited Raven and I to her martial arts festival

We went, and we took Wolfie too, because she didn’t get the job, and she looks miserable

Anya’s done martial arts since she was seven

It was one of the first things that Mama signed her up for

She’s very good

Wolfie had fun too


	205. Chapter 205

I went down to the pier today

Colleen and I had coffee, and we watched people on the beach

She told me that she loved the beach, but her husband didn’t

I didn’t know that anyone could dislike the beach, and apparently I pulled a face, because she explained

“I’m not married to him anymore. He wasn’t a very nice man.”

I agree with her. 

Who doesn’t like the beach?!


	206. Chapter 206

Clarke wanted to know if I wanted to go to the park today

I said no, because it’s Sunday

She asked if Tuesday was okay

I said yes

Raven has used all of my soap

I am going to eat the rest of the cupcakes so that she can’t have any


	207. Chapter 207

I woke Raven up at two this morning so that we could go and get new soap

Anya wasn’t home, I was getting revenge

Raven left me stranded in the condom and sex toy aisle

I’m going to put salt in her sheets.


	208. Chapter 208

Raven has put all my socks in the laundry

I can’t go out without my socks Cos!

Especially not to meet Clarke!


	209. Chapter 209

Crisis averted, I have acquired a pair of Anya’s socks

They are white with pink polka dots

Now to actually get past Raven…


	210. Chapter 210

Aden and Didi were with Clarke

We watched them play on the jungle gym

Clarke didn’t act any different to usual

We sat on a bench dedicated to

_ Robert Kruger _

She asked me

“What do you write in your notebook?”

And I said

“They’re letters to someone.” 

Because my voice doesn’t work when I try to say your name

So she said

“I used to write letters too. To my dad.”

And I asked

“Why did you stop?”

And she was quiet for a little bit, and I didn’t know if she was thinking, or if it was a  _ social cue _ , but then she said

“I stopped because someone made me. He wasn’t a good person. I thought about starting again, but then I had Aden, and I think I didn’t need to write letters to my dad anymore, because I didn’t feel so sad about him anymore.”

And even though she said she wasn’t sad, I could tell that she was still a little sad, so I put my hand on her arm, because that’s what you do when someone is sad, and you’re not sure if you can hug them or not

She looked at my hand, and then took it and held it in hers, and we sat holding hands for a little while

Aden and Didi were playing something similar to Tag up and down the jungle gym, and somehow they had made a friend with a girl who didn’t sign, and she was playing too. 

They moved off the jungle gym, because it got a bit crowded, and then Aden ran up to me and touched my leg, and shouted, so I guessed that he was  _ it _ so I touched Clarke on the shoulder, and then ran away with Aden

Clarke gets pink cheeks when she runs

She runs slow enough for Aden to catch her, and then fast enough for her to catch me

She laughs a lot when playing Tag

She’s also very clumsy, and she fell three times, and nearly fell twice more, but I sacrificed myself to be  _ it _ and caught her instead

I had fun today Cos

I wish you could’ve played Tag with us too


	211. Chapter 211

A pair of my socks went missing when Raven did the laundry

They were black with blue stripes

I want my socks back!


	212. Chapter 212

Cos, we can’t find my socks!

Raven said she was very sorry, but that’s not bringing my socks back!

There’s also a problem with the hot chocolate vendor at the park

Today was not a good day


	213. Chapter 213

My socks are _still_ missing, and the vendor is _still_ closed, and the couch was moved to the left and I didn't like it!

I sat on the floor in my room and I counted the rest of my socks, to make sure they were all there, and they were, but the black and blue pair were missing, so I got upset because those are _my_ socks, and Raven shouldn’t have touched them

Anya came home early and sat with me, because I was having a Bad Day, which means that I wouldn’t have had to go to school, and if I was at school, I would be allowed to go home, and she helped me count my socks, and we did that three times, and then I had to count my hoodies too, because what if one of those went missing?!

We counted my socks three times, and because we did that three times, we had to count hoodies seven times, because I don’t like the number five, and seven is the next prime number after five

I like it when Anya’s around on Bad Days, because she always smells the same, and her hair is soft, and she sits still and lets me curl up against her, because Anya is stronger than me, and if something Bad comes, then Anya will protect me

She asked me if I wanted to eat something, so I ate eleven pieces of cereal, and after that I felt a bit better, but Anya said we had to do Breathing and Stretching, which is what Dr. Fowler said I had to do on Bad Days when Mama took me to her

We did Breathing and Stretching, and because I was still shaking and scratching my arms, Anya suggested we did thirteen exercises, and that was a good idea, because after thirteen sit ups, and thirteen push ups, and thirteen lunges on each leg, and thirteen jumping jacks, and thirteen squats, and thirteen minutes of plank, and thirteen burpees, I spent seventeen minutes in the shower, which was okay, because Raven wasn’t home, and I’m used to Anya being home when I shower.

After showering for seventeen minutes, I got dressed in my red hoodie, and black pyjama pants, and my green socks, because red means _stop_ , and green means _go_ , so red and green mean _keep still_ Anya sat with me on the couch and read out loud from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire which is my favourite book.


	214. Chapter 214

Raven bought me new socks!

They are black and they have blue stripes, and they’re almost the same as my other ones except these ones are new, and they smell a bit funny, but Anya said that  _ she’d _ do the laundry and make the funny smell go away, and then I’ll have twenty three pairs of socks again.

I told Raven I was sorry for putting salt in her bed, and Anya pulled a face and said

“You put the salt on the wrong side of the bed Lexa.”

And I told Anya

“No, you were just sleeping on the wrong side.”


	215. Chapter 215

Ahmed invited me to a different part of the city tomorrow

He says we have to wake up early

I signed

_ Can Noodle come with? _

And he said

“You will have to take care of Noodle for some parts of the day, because I have to do things.”

Apparently he learned to sign from Nyko, because he asked

“Has Nyko been teaching me how you speak properly, or is he being useless?”

And I said

_ Nyko is a good teacher _

We went to the park and had hot chocolate, and I found a tennis ball in a hedge, and we threw it for Noodle, who responds to both Arabic and English

So at four tomorrow, Noodle, Ahmed and I are going somewhere

I wonder where.


	216. Chapter 216

Holy crap it was cold this morning!

I don’t think I’m ever going to get up before the sun again in hot chocolate season

I wore two pairs of socks, and tights under my pants, and a tank, a shirt, a hoodie  _ and _ a jacket

And then I put Clarke’s hat on and wore the scarf that Hope’s sister gave me

I picked out an old red scarf and gave it to Ahmed, and he looked very happy with it

There weren’t many people outside, and when we breathed, our breath made clouds

We walked and we walked, but in the opposite direction to the sea, and then we got to a small park and I bought hot chocolate

Just before the sun rose properly, the sky came to life

It was so beautiful Cos!

It sounded like one person’s voice, followed on by five or six others, all performing the same song, but not the same, and I had to sit down because it was making me a little dizzy

I sat on a bench, and Noodle jumped up next to me, and Ahmed sat on the other side, and I closed my eyes to listen properly

It really felt like the entire sky was singing as the sun started to appear, shooting gold and orange light over the grey air, like it was a canvas

Ahmed said

“That’s my cue. I’ll meet you back here in about an hour, okay?”

I nodded, and continued to sit on the bench with Noodle until the noise stopped

I felt a bit sad, but I hadn’t been to that part of the city before, so I explored 

It was very different

Instead of rows of cafes, there were rows of tiny shops, and these tiny shops didn’t really allow Noodle in, so I looked inside from the street, and Cos, they sold the weirdest things

Carpets and headscarves and long robe-like clothes, and food, and more food, and spices, and food, and crates of metal things that I think Raven would love to sit and sift through

I went back to the park after about fifty minutes, and took my hat and scarf off and put them in my backpack, because it was getting warmer, because the sun was up

Ahmed was waiting for me, and he took me exploring, but in a different direction

There were lots more people on the street

I asked

_ Doesn’t the sound wake everyone up? _

And he said

“It’s supposed to. It’s the call to prayer.”

I said

_ It’s beautiful _

We walked and explored, and he spoke to the shopkeepers, sometimes in English, sometimes not and they sometimes let him bring Noodle inside, other times they didn’t, but they let him stand in the doorway so I wasn’t completely alone

At one point he said

“If you want to go further this way, you must cover your head.”

So we bought a dark red scarf, and he helped me cover my head and hair, and I took off my jacket, because it was warm enough, so I was walking around in black pants, a black hoodie, and a red scarf with gold patterns

He showed me some of the food, and I bought some, and we ate in the park again

It was a little bit spicy, but it was spicy and good, and then some stuff was sweet too and the bread-that-wasn’t-bread was fresh

Noodle tried to eat off my lap, but Ahmed made him sit, and lie down, so that he couldn’t eat my food

We walked and I bought Anya a very shiny knife, because she collects knives, and then we walked home

Noodle was very tired

So was I


	217. Chapter 217

Today is my birthday

Raven made pancakes!

Anya gave me a new book

It is called

**The Name of the Wind**

Clarke and Aden came past

I said

_ Hello Brave-A _

And he said

_ Hello Quiet-L. Happy Birthday _

And then he gave me a big hug

Anya and Raven took him to the park, leaving me and Clarke behind, which was a bit weird, because usually we all go to the park together

Clarke said

“I’m sorry about that. Raven is very obvious sometimes.”

And I said

“I don’t understand.” Because I didn’t, and then I said

“Do you want something to drink?”

Because that’s polite

So she said

“Some water would be amazing.”

And I went to the kitchen to pour her some water, and when I turned around, she was holding a canvas, but it was facing the wrong way, so I couldn’t see what was on it

I said

“Here’s your water.”

Because Anya and Mama told me that it’s not polite to ask people questions like

“Why are you holding a canvas in the middle of my apartment and how did you get it inside without me seeing?”

Because it can seem  _ hostile _ and therefore,  _ rude _

Clarke smiled at me, and said

“Happy Birthday Lexa.”

And she turned the canvas around, and it was the painting from her apartment!

Except somehow, impossibly, it was even more beautiful than before!

I stared at it for a long time, and then I had to put down the water, because my hands wanted to do the up-and-down thing

Clarke smiled at me, and said

“It’s for you Lex. It’s for you, for your birthday. I painted it because the first time I saw you, you were so sad, and you didn’t talk, and you hid behind your scarf, and then you started getting happier, and you spoke to me, and I thought  _ I wish I could be like her. _ You’re beautiful Lexa, you really are. This is for you, because you always remind me of what’s important.”

And her voice was a bit wobbly, but that was okay, because she looked like she was about to cry, so I took the painting from her, and carefully put it on the table and then I gave her a big hug, because flapping my hands wasn’t enough to show her how happy I was 

She still smells like sunshine and chocolate, so I don’t think it’s a type of soap or anything, because no soap ever smells like proper chocolate, and “sunshine” isn’t a scent

She’s also so  _ warm _ Cos

I feel like I’m under a fluffy blanket when I’m with her and it’s the best feeling

Without letting me go she whispered

“I wish I could be as strong as you are.”

And she sounded so small that I could only hold her tighter, because that’s what Anya does for me when I feel too small

She holds me tight, or she finds a box, and I put the box over my head, because then I can’t see the world, and therefore, like Schrodinger’s cat, it is both real, and not real, and if it is not real, then there’s nothing that can hurt me

But I don’t know if Clarke likes boxes, so I didn’t go look for one (there’s one in my closet, just in case)

She sniffled a little, and then she pushed gently as my shoulders which means

_ Please let go _

So I let go, and took a step back, because I thought I’d done something wrong, but she took my hands, and then slid her hands down my wrists, until she was holding onto my arms instead, and I was grateful, because I only hold hands when I’m scared or tired, and she said

“We should go rescue Aden before Raven and Anya lose him.”

And I said

“Anya won’t lose him. Raven might get lost though.”

Because Anya is very good with small children (she took care of me for a while), but Raven gets distracted very easily, and she’s a bit short too, which means it’s sometimes hard to see her

The painting is so beautiful 

I’ll ask Raven to help me hang it on the wall in my room

I miss you Cos

I wish you could see the painting

You would love it


	218. Chapter 218

Clarke sent me a text this morning, asking if I was free

I replied that I had coffee with Colleen on Tuesdays, but I was always home by 2

She asked if I wanted to do something

I said sure, and she said

**Two fifteen, my place?**

And I said sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised that the timing between Lexa's letters is a bit funky. Sometimes she writes two, or even three per day, and other times, she skips days entirely, because nothing important happens. Usually though, it's only one per day, unless she's very excited, or very nervous about something, and has the time to tell Costia about it.


	219. Chapter 219

We watched a movie at Clarke’s

Aden was at Didi’s house

I didn’t understand some parts of it, but it was a little funny

Clarke likes to sit with her feet on the couch, all wrapped in a blanket, with the aircon set to minimal temperatures

It’s an interesting take on temperature regulation, but it is very comfortable

Somehow, it seemed like the couch got smaller and smaller, but I know that’s impossible, so we were probably just stretching out more and more, which is unusual, because usually once I pick a way to sit, I stay like that

When the movie finished, our feet were tangled together, her pink and purple socks against my black and white ones

I never understood why grown up socks are so boring, so I’m glad that Clarke also wears patterned socks

We sat still for a bit longer and then Clarke said

“I’m sorry.”

And I said

“What for?”

She looked at me, and her eyes were big, and her right foot moved a little, and that’s either  _ serious _ ,  _ angry _ , _ sad _ or  _ joking _ which is a bit confusing

“I kissed you, and that seemed to upset you.” She mumbled, and looked down. That means  _ embarrassed _

“It didn’t upset me. I needed to talk to someone about it, because I thought I was still dating her.”

And Clarke looked up again, and her eyes were big, and her head was tilted slightly to the side and I think that means  _ interested but confused _

“Lexa, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to make your relationship awkward.”

I replied to that with

“You didn’t. She’s dead. I didn’t know that  _ forever _ can mean different things.”


	220. Chapter 220

There’s something wrong with Artigas

His breathing is loud, and he keeps ducking out of hugs

Wolfie has taken him into the bathroom

I can hear them talking

I think Artigas is crying


	221. Chapter 221

Wolfie came out the bathroom and asked me to call Clarke

I called her, and while it was ringing, Wolfie was rummaging in the freezer

She found an ice pack and went back into the bathroom

Clarke said she would be here in ten


	222. Chapter 222

Clarke arrived, and we closed all the curtains and doors so that Artigas would feel more comfortable

He stepped out of the bathroom with his arms crossed over his chest, but Wolfie knocked his arms away and I wanted to hide my face, because I don’t really like it when people are hurt

He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and his ribs were blue and purple, and when Clarke asked how he got hurt, Wolfie held up a binder and said

“He bought a cheapass and it don’t fit. He’s also been wearin’ it to school everyday.”

Clarke asked

“How old are you Artigas? Would you mind if I touched you?”

Artigas shook his head, and said

“I’m seventeen.”

Which was a bit surprising, because he really is tiny, and I had thought he was about fourteen at the most

Clarke is very gentle with injured people, but Artigas winced every time Clarke pressed down slightly underneath his breasts, and when she pressed the stethoscope against his skin

Clarke sighed after she’d finished and took off her gloves

“Well, as far as I can tell, you’ve just got a few cracked ribs, and you’re very lucky that they’re not broken. Your lungs are just a bit compressed, there’s no excess fluid, or gurgling, which means nothing is punctured.”

Artigas nodded, and tried to cross his arms over his chest again, but Clarke stopped him

“You have to try and keep your torso relaxed, crossing your arms is not helping your breathing.”

“I can’t help it. I just don’t want them! I can’t look like this and be a man! I’m not-”

“No.”

I said, and I took his shirt from where Wolfie had dropped it on the couch and turned it the right way.

He was too stunned to say anything, and I took the opportunity to continue speaking, because I had something to say

“You’re not a woman if you don't want to be one, Artigas. You’re a man. But wearing something that is hurting you isn’t making you any more of a man, it is only making you hurt. Here’s your shirt. If you want a binder, I’ll get you a binder, but it’s going to be a proper binder that fits you, and you’re only going to wear it once your ribs are healed, and then only for a few hours a day, understand?”

He took the shirt and nodded

Clarke put her hand on my wrist, and I was grateful, because talking had made me tired

“Good.”

She said, and then continued with

“Why don’t you two go and play PlayStation? I think Raven downloaded a new mod.”

And Artigas straightened his shirt, and said

“Thank you.”

In a choked up voice that made me reach for Clarke’s hand, because I don't like it when people’s voices sound funny, and then Wolfie and him climbed onto the couch and started up the PlayStation

Clarke and I escaped into my room, and she gave me a hug and said

“You’re amazing, you know that?”

And I said

“I didn’t do anything. You helped him, not me.”

And she smiled and said

“There’s more than one kind of help.”

And I thought she was going to kiss me again, but her phone went and it was the hospital so she left and I went to sit with Wolfie and Artigas and Wolfie said

“When you two get married, you're adopting me. Fucking hell Artigas!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a transman, and therefore, I don't know if I'm being entirely accurate.   
> If I got anything wrong, or said something offensive, please let me know, and I will fix/change it!  
> If you want to see a particular strain of backstory for any one of the characters, again, let me know!


	223. Chapter 223

Anya is grumpy because her dog keeps sleeping on my bed

She’s also angry because Raven calls him

“Raven Junior.”

I told her

“If you didn’t close your door at night, maybe your dog would sleep on your bed.”

And then I knew it was the right thing to say, because Raven blushed and giggled nervously, and Anya kind of gaped at me

Every now and then Cos

Every now and then, I get Anya, and she doesn't have anything to say

And then I turn around and her dog has shed hair all over my socks, and I have to go to the laundry at midnight, but that’s okay, because Molly also does her laundry at strange hours, so we can have conversations

She knows sign language too

She’s very interesting to talk to, because she has seen lots of things.

I think you would’ve liked Molly

She’s a raging feminist at the age of eighty four.


	224. Chapter 224

Raven has decided that we’re all going ice skating

I asked who

“All”

Entails, and she said

“Don’t worry Woods, your wife will be there.”

I was confused and I said

“I don’t have a wife.”

And Anya explained

“Raven thinks that Clarke is your wife, because you’re like a mom to Aden.”

And I said

“Well then you and Raven and wives too, because you’re  moms to Artigas and Tris.”

And Anya blushed, and Raven blushed, and they both turned into stammering idiots

I didn’t really see how it was so funny until Octavia (who had come up with the whole plan apparently, and who also has a key to the apartment apparently, because she was already inside when everyone woke up) explained it to me

She whispered

“They’re both too chicken to ask the other one to marry them. Well done Baby Woods, you gave it to them straight.”

I said

“I’m not a baby.”

And she said

“I’m not a baby either, but because I’m the younger sibling, I get called Baby Blake.”

That made a little sense, and then I said

“But neither of them are straight, so I gave it to them gay.”

And Octavia laughed, and I laughed too, because that was a joke, and Anya stared at me for a second, and then Raven laughed, and she laughed, and we were all laughing when Clarke walked in, because she too, apparently has a key

She stared at me until Raven poked her in the shoulder, which was a  _ social cue _

And suddenly Raven realised that she actually needed to put pants on, and she’s vanished into her room, and everyone else is waiting for her to change.

It’s just as well that she went to find pants, because Lincoln’s just arrived, and today his nails are pink.


	225. Chapter 225

Clarke is very good at ice skating

Raven is not

Anya can go backwards, but Lincoln can skate whilst carrying Octavia, and Octavia can spin in circles, and she is very fast

I am very,  _ very _ bad at ice skating

I did two very slow laps around the rink, holding onto the railing the whole time, but then Clarke came up to me and asked

“Do you trust me?”

And I didn’t know if I trusted her, because she’s never done anything to hurt me, but I also haven’t known her for very long, and I don’t really trust people that I haven’t known for a long time, so I said

“I don’t know.”

And she smiled a little, and I thought she was mocking me, but then she said

“That’s fair. Can I prove to you that you can trust me?”

So I said

“I don’t know, can you?”

And she smiled again, and held out her hands, and I took them, and she gently pulled me away from the railing

And I was still wobbly and off balance, and after saving my face from the ice twice, and falling with me once, because I accidentally kicked her feet out from under her, she helped me up, and put my hands on her shoulders, and she put her hands on my hips

For a little while, I felt like I was under a warm fuzzy blanket, and Clarke was gently holding me upright, and we were skating slowly, except she was the only one actually skating, I was just being towed, and I started drumming my fingers against the side of her neck, because I was happy, and I felt safe

Then Raven came barreling out of nowhere, and sent both Clarke and me crashing to the floor, and my beanie fell off and the ice was cold, and I landed on my elbow, and it was scary, because ice skates are sharp, and I thought my fingers were going to be chopped off when Anya skidded to a stop next to us, and helped me up

My legs were all wobbly and my head was spinning and the light reflecting off the ice was too bright, and it was too cold, and I almost screamed when Anya took my one arm, and I did scream a little when Clarke took my other arm, because I wasn’t expecting to be touched, and Clarke is still a little Strange to me

Anya had to go back to help Raven, because she’d banged her leg against the ice when she fell, and then Octavia and Lincoln realised what was happening, and they also got off the ice

Clarked helped me take off my ice skates, and then she brought back my shoes, and offered to help me with those too, because I was feeling dizzy, and bending down seemed very unappealing, but I didn’t even really want to put my shoes back on, because my toes were cold, and I don’t like wearing shoes when my toes are cold, because I always tighten the laces too much

She stayed with me the whole time, and didn’t mind when I held onto her hand, and she put my hat back on my head, and pulled it over my ears to try and block out some of the noise.

We were just about to leave when someone yelled something at us, a string of words that sounded very jumbled to me, and yet none of them were very nice. It was a boy in a floppy red hat, whose pants were sagging low, despite the shiny belt that flashed brightly under the lights.

Retard was one of the words, and so was spaz, and dyke, and Mama and Anya always told me that those were  _ bad words for weak people, and you aren’t weak, Lexa, so you don’t have to use those words, or listen to them _

Clarke let go of my hand, and I wanted to scream a little, because I wanted her hand back because it was warm, and I could hold onto her tightly, and I was scared, but then the next thing that happened was that she walked up to the boy in the floppy red hat with a smirk ( _ self satisfied _ ) on his face, and punched him in the nose

His friends started yelling, and Lincoln had to go and fetch Clarke, whose eyes were very dark blue, and her mouth was twisted down, and she was breathing harshly, which means she was  _ angry _

I tried to find Anya’s hand, but she was mostly carrying Raven, who looked like she was about to throw up, or maybe cry, her  _ nauseous _ face and her  _ upset _ face are eerily similar, and I started to whine, which is almost like screaming, but it’s softer, and that means I can do it in public

Clarke immediately looked at me, and she clapped a hand to her mouth, which sometimes means  _ thinking _ and other times means  _ oops _ and sometimes means  _ very happy _

She whispered softly

“I’m so sorry Lexa.”

And reached out slowly, to fix my beanie, which was skew again, because I’d been pulling at my hair, and I let her fix it, and when she was done, she tapped my hand lightly with hers, which is a symbol that Anya teaches people who she thinks are

“Worthy of holding my sister's hand, if she wants to hold theirs”

So far, she’s only taught Mama, you, Raven, and I guess Clarke.

And I  _ did _ want to hold Clarke’s hand, because I was scared, and her hands are always warm, and when I took her hand, she smiled at me, and squeezed lightly.

It was only when we got home, and Clarke put my shoes next to the doorway, where I always leave them that I realised

I do trust her Cos

I trust Clarke.

I trust her, because she doesn’t think I’m anything less than a person. 

I trust her, because she understands that sometimes I don’t want to talk, or be touched, or go out.

I trust her because she always asks before doing something, but without making me feel like a child. 

I trust her, because she always holds her facial expressions for a few moments longer than necessary, just in case I need a bit more time to figure it out.

I trust her because she helped me ice skate, and put her hand behind my head when we fell so that I didn’t hit it on the ice.

I trust her because she doesn't expect me to behave in a way that I don’t want to.

I trust her, because she is Clarke.

The question is Cos

Would you trust her?


	226. Chapter 226

It rained today

Wolfie and I went puddle jumping

Anya has named her dog

She’s calling him

“Postage Stamp.”

Because his fur sticks to everything, and you can always tell who he’s been playing with, and where he’s been

We call him

“Stamp.” For short

Postage Stamp likes puddle jumping too

Anya threatened to disown both me and the dog if we track mud again

She didn’t notice Raven climbing through the window

Raven threatened to eat all the ginger biscuits if I told Anya that she’d been the one tracking mud

Joke's on her though, because Postage Stamp, Noodle, Ahmed and I already ate all the ginger biscuits


	227. Chapter 227

It hasn’t stopped raining for two days

It’s annoying because I wanted to go playing in the subway, but my violin case isn’t waterproof

It’s nice because I like the way that the rain paints the city a soft grey and smooths out all the sharp edges, and blurs 

Clarke says that that is a beautiful way to describe the low clouds

Aden says that he doesn’t like the rain because his teachers say he can’t play outside when it’s raining

I said that that is a silly rule, and that we should go play in the rain

Aden agreed with me

Aden and I are both sniffling now.

We both think it was worth it

Clarke and Anya don’t


	228. Chapter 228

The rain stopped and I went playing in the subway and I finally have enough cash to buy Artigas a binder.

I asked Wolfie to let him know 

She said that she would.

I asked Clarke to come with us, because she’s a Doctor, and I trust her to help Artigas choose a proper binder that won’t hurt his ribs again

Clarke said that she would


	229. Chapter 229

Athena got an A for her project!

She also said that she’s been moved to the smarter English class

She asked if she could give me a hug, and I nodded, because I’m proud of her

She said that the teacher was very impressed that she managed to track me down, because apparently lots of people want to ask me questions about my book

I don’t know why

It’s pretty self explanatory


	230. Chapter 230

We hosted a movie night

By that I mean Anya and Raven held a movie night

I escaped to Clarke’s apartment, and we watched the Lion King with Aden

He begged for another movie, and Clarke agreed, but only if he got into his pajamas

Aden agreed, and ran off to get into his pajamas which are red and green with blue dinosaurs

We watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Aden fell asleep on Clarke’s shoulder, despite the fact that there was an entire empty seat for him

Clarke carried him to his bed, and said I could say goodnight if I wanted to

He was blinking a little sleepily, and I said

_ Goodnight Brave-A _

And he said

_ Goodnight Quiet-L _

Clarke asked if I wanted to watch another movie

I wasn’t entirely sure if that was a good idea, because Aden had taken the second blanket off the couch, and you can’t watch a movie without a blanket

Then Clarke said

“You can take the blanket if you want to”

And I thought about it for a minute, and then I remembered how Anya and I would always share the red blanket on the couch, because we both really liked the colour red, and I said

“We can share if you want to?”

Because I know that Clarke really likes sitting under a blanket whilst we watch TV

And she said

“Okay, sure. Why don’t you go ahead and pick a movie, and I’ll go change into pajamas, and then I’ll clean up, and you can get changed?”

And that was logical, so I nodded

Clarke has lots of movies. She has Mean Girls (“Get in loser, we’re going shopping”) and Avatar (“Run, definitely run.”) and all the Harry Potters (I don’t have a favourite line from them, I think all of them are good) and then she has most of the disney movies, and a few Thomas the Tank Engines, and some dinosaur movies, including Jurassic Park 1, 2, and 3, as well as Jurassic World, and then she has lots that I don’t know

I chose Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, because I like the dragons

Clarke smiled when she saw, and said

“You’re a Ravenclaw, aren’t you?”

And I said

“Yes. And my Ilvermony house is Thunderbird. My patronus is a stag. I have a hornbeam wand and a dragon heartstring core.”

And Clarke laughed softly to herself, and said

“Awww, too bad. We could’ve totally been roommates. I’m a Slytherin. My patronus is a lion, but I haven’t taken the rest of the quizzes yet.”

And I thought about that as I changed, and it made lots of sense. Clarke was humming softly to herself whilst she made a fresh bag of popcorn, and washed up from dinner.

“You have a beautiful voice.” I said.

She jumped, and turned to face me with wide eyes and an open mouth, her soap-sud covered arms rising to protect her face. She looked  _ terrified _ .

_ I’m sorry _ I signed,  _ would you like me to leave? _

Because I was worried that my voice had upset her

She stared at me for a few moments, then lowered her arms, and exhaled shakily, before shaking her head

“It’s okay Lexa. You may stay. You didn’t do anything wrong, I just got a fright.”

“I’m sorry.” I repeated, because I needed her to understand that I was sorry

“I forgive you Lexa. You didn’t mean to scare me. Here, give me a hug, and we can pretend it didn’t happen at all.”

I wasn’t quite sure how I was supposed to hug her, because she was still covered in soap suds, but I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder for a long minute, and she leaned back slightly, which I think means that she liked it.

On the downside, it meant I breathed in a lung-load of the ever present chocolate and sunshine smell that hangs around her like a cloud, and it made my brain a bit fuzzy, but it wasn’t a bad fuzzy, so I helped her dry the dishes, and then we started the movie.

In the beginning, we sat at our respective ends of the couch, but then I saw Clarke shiver a little, because she was wearing a T-shirt over her grey sweatpants, and it was a little bit chilly, so I move to the middle seat, and spread the blanket over both of us.

Clarke wriggled until her head was resting on my shoulder, and we were both swathed in the soft material

She’s so warm Cos

Warm and soft

And when she fell asleep before we got to the maze, I didn’t mind, because the maze is not my favourite part of the movie

Somewhere around the First Task, she grabbed a handful of my shirt, and I could feel the warmth from her hand against my stomach

She sleeps very quietly

I didn’t really want to wake her, but I didn’t really want to sleep on the couch either

She is a very drowsy person after she’s just been woken up, and she didn’t want to let go of my shirt, so I walked with her down the hallway to her room

She has small paintings all over her walls Cos

Some very small, the size of a post it

Others the size of A3 paper

Some are landscapes, tiny forests in seven shades of green and three of grey and four of brown

Others are portraits, a grinning Raven, a smiling Aden

 

A girl with green eyes and curly hair sitting on a bench wearing a grey beanie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEET! This just went past 100 pages  
> It started out as less than two lines, barely a month ago  
> Thanks to all of you for reading!


	231. Chapter 231

Raven is now calling me 

“Heart Eyes”

I do not understand this metaphor, but Anya’s not home so I’ll have to wait for her to get home so I can ask her.


	232. Chapter 232

Anya says that “Heart Eyes” is what happens when you really like someone

But I still didn’t understand, so I asked why Raven’s only started saying it now, because I like Anya, and Raven’s okay and I like Aden too

And she laughed and said

“What are you thinking about right now?”

And I said

“Clarke”

And Raven yelled from the other room

“Pay up Cheekbones!”

And Anya threw an eraser at her and said

“When you think about Clarke, your face does this funny thing, because you like her. That’s why Raven is calling you Heart Eyes”

That made sense, so I checked 

“It’s not a bad thing?”

And Anya smiled and hugged me and said

“No, it’s not a bad thing”

It’s okay if Raven calls me “Heart Eyes”, because I don’t mind that my face does something funny when I think about Clarke


	233. Chapter 233

Aden is sleeping over tonight!

Clarke just called and asked if I could take care of him, because something’s gone wrong at the hospital, and Octavia and Lincoln have a function, and she doesn’t really trust Raven and Anya to try and get him to bath, but he likes me, and so maybe he’d listen

I said I would

I have to go fetch him from school in twenty minutes, but first, I have to go past Clarke’s apartment to fetch his pajamas, toothbrush and toys

I hope Raven will let us bake cookies


	234. Chapter 234

Aden is now asleep

Only problem is, he’s holding onto my arm, which means he’ll be sleeping in the same bed as me tonight

I was going to sleep on the couch, but he said

_ I miss mommy _

So I said

_ Would you feel better if I sat with you for a bit? _

And he said

_ Yes _

And that is how I find myself now

I have a  four year old boy clinging onto my arm, and his yellow hair is soft, and he smells like a bubble bath, because I bargained with him to bath in exchange for cookies

I guess we’ll be sleeping like this, because I don’t really want to wake him up, and he does have a strong grip, despite the fact that he is four-and-three-months

I hope I don’t squish him

Good night Cos.


	235. Chapter 235

Aden and I made pancakes for breakfast

We only got one cup of flour on the floor, and only two eggs missed the bowl

Anya and Raven declared them delicious

Aden and I were kings of the kitchen when CLarke walked in

She looked so tired Cos

Her shoulders were slumped, and her hair didn’t seem as shiny as usual, and she could barely raise her head to smile at Aden

She laughed when Aden showed her how he accidentally got flour all over my face, and then she insisted on trying some of the pancakes, but Anya and Raven were doing their eye-talking

Eye-talking is what happens when two people communicate without talking, or signing

Mama and Anya can do it

Anya and I can do it

Raven and Anya can do it

I think Anya’s very good at eye-talk

Anyway, Anya and Raven were doing their eye-talk, and whilst Clarke was painting smiley faces in syrup on Aden’s pancake, Anya quickly signed

_Go fetch a pair of sweatpants and a big shirt_

So I did, and then Raven took Clarke by the arm, and took the clothes in her free hand, and walked Clarke to the bathroom, and made her change, and then Anya asked

“Can Clarke use your bed? I don’t want her driving when she’s this tired.”

So I said

“Okay.”

And quickly went to clean my room a bit, because there were paper cranes everywhere, because I’d been teaching Aden how to make them

Clarke slept for a few hours, then showered, and got dressed into a pair of Raven’s jeans and one of her shirts, thanked us all, kissed Raven on the cheek, hugged Anya, hugged me, and waved goodbye as she walked out the door

My sheets smell like sunshine and chocolate and bubble baths.

I think I like it.


	236. Chapter 236

Postage Stamp and I went walking down to the beach today

It was very cold, and the wind was strong, so when we found Colleen, we sat inside to drink coffee

The man by the door asked me if Postage Stamp was a service dog

I didn’t know what that meant, so I signed

_ What? _

At him, and he blushed, and said

“Sorry” 

In a very slow way, and let me and Postage Stamp in, and brought a bowl of water for Postage Stamp, who managed to drink it without splattering it all over the floor.

Colleen says that she’s glad that Lincoln spoke to one of his friend’s to give her a job at a restaurant because otherwise she’d probably have pneumonia.

I wrote

**What do you mean?**

And she said

“I’ve been sleeping in the kitchen. The oven stays warm for a long time. It’s okay with the owner, because I clean the floors every morning, and I’m always available to take shifts. Plus, I get a hot meal.”

I made three mental notes

  1. Ask Anya if we could have another Christmas Party
  2. Buy Lincoln a present
  3. Hide the tinsel from Raven before she bedecks the bathroom again




	237. Chapter 237

Anya said yes to the party!

Raven caught me trying to hide the Christmas decorations, and she nearly strangled me

Both Raven and I have been sentenced to time-out by Anya, who has a headache

I think Raven is cheating, because she’s talking to Wolfie through the open window, and Anya can’t see it, because Anya’s working on a Very Important Project and Can Not Be Disturbed

Postage Stamp has learned how to open cupboard doors

I hope for his sake that he never opens Anya and Raven’s door.


	238. Chapter 238

Noodle has taught Postage Stamp how to climb through windows, and the two of them went adventuring in the city

It would’ve been okay, except Noodle is almost the same colour as the snow, and Postage Stamp is kind of stupid, so Ahmed and I had to go looking for them.

We found Noodle eating in Subway (I think that dog should become their mascot)

And we found Postage Stamp whining on the tracks

Anya demanded to know why the windows were open in the first place, because it’s winter and

“Colder than Raven’s fucking feet!”

I shrugged, because I didn’t know  _ exactly _ why the windows were open, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with Raven cleaning up shards of broken glass when I got home.


	239. Chapter 239

Athena came over to ask for help with an essay

It was about the exploitation of women in fashion

Athena knows lots of things about the fashion industry

Athena knows lots of things about lots of things

Cat and Postage Stamp raided the cupboard and ate all of Raven’s granola bars

I pretended not to see

Athen thanked me for helping her, and then she promised to tell me how it went

I smiled a big smile at her, because I know she’ll do well


	240. Chapter 240

Postage Stamp, like Raven and to some extent Anya, is trying to kill me (I blame it on social cues)

We went for a walk in the park, but it was more like a dig, because the snow is up to my waist and it’s not even December yet

Postage Stamp thought it’d be fun to run out onto the lake

The ice broke, so I ran to get him out, because he’s still very small, and hasn’t quite learned how to swim yet

I took off my coat and shoes and hoodie, because if I jumped in with them on, I’d probably drown

The ice broke under me too, but that was okay, because I  _ can _ swim

Cos, the water was so cold that it made my hair hurt, and my lungs burn 

Postage Stamp was whining and crying, and his head kept going under the water, and by the time I got to him, he could barely wiggle

I was so scared Cos, I thought he was dead

Thankfully Angelo knows things about collars, because Postage Stamp’s stayed on when I pulled him onto my chest by it

I swam backstroke with one hand until I hit my head on more solid ice, and then I put Postage Stamp on the ice, and rolled onto it next to him

It was a bit tricky trying to roll away from the edge without squishing him, but somehow I managed to do it

A lady and a man and their three children were standing at the edge of the lake and the oldest boy (maybe 12, or 13) fetched my coat and hoodie and shoes, and I wrapped Postage Stamp in my coat, and took off my wet shirt, and put on the hoodie, to try and get warm again

The man asked if there was anyone he could call, and the littlest girl offered me her pink sparkly scarf

I couldn’t talk, because A) they were strangers, and B) my teeth were clicking too loudly and too fast for me to say anything so I typed Anya’s number into the phone’s contacts and wrote  **Sister** into the name box.

He called Anya and I tried to make Postage Stamp warm again, by rubbing my coat up and down his body, and eventually he gave a little wiggle, and licked my face, so I picked him up and put him inside my hoodie so he could be warm

When Anya arrived, Postage Stamp managed a small wiggle, and wagged his tail a bit, so I knew he was going to be okay

Anya brought blankets and dry socks for me, and she thanked the family, and I gave the girl her sparkly pink scarf back, because she’d told me it was her favourite, and Anya gave me her green and silver scarf to wear instead

Once we were home she ordered me and Postage Stamp into the bath, and I was too cold to argue

She made the bath kinda cold at first, and gradually added warm water

She said that it was so we didn’t get hypothermia

Postage Stamp isn’t very good at baths

He tries to drink the water, and he splashes everywhere, and after ten warm-water-addings Anya took him out, because he was trying to lick her face and my knees, and the sides of the bathtub, and his tail was wagging and splashing all the water onto the floor

Anya told me that I had twenty minutes before Clarke and Angelo arrived

I can hear them at the door now.

It’s only been seventeen minutes.


	241. Chapter 241

Clarke says I’m going to get sick and that I should stay indoors

Angelo says that Postage Stamp will be totally fine so long as we keep him warm tonight

Bloody dog got off scot free, whilst I’m going to get sick

Remind me why he’s allowed to sleep on my bed again?

I know Clarke’s a Doctor, and that I should listen to her, but I can’t just _stay inside_ Cos

If I stay inside, I get cold again, and when I get cold then the colours fade and the food starts tasting like ash and Anya’s skin burns me, and things get too loud and my words fly away and all I want to do is sleep

I have class with Indra tomorrow

I’ll walk there and back, and then spend the rest of the day playing video games with Wolfie

That counts as _staying inside_ , right?


	242. Chapter 242

I shouldn’t have gone outside

Clarke was right

Doctors are always right

Why didn’t I listen to her Cos?

Why did I not listen?

I walked to the gym, and the world was a bit blurry, but that happens sometimes, so I put my headphones on and tried to ignore it, but then Octavia’s face got all swirly, and I started shaking, which isn’t exactly normal, but it does happen, but then it went dark and I felt like I was floating

I woke up to Anya carrying me

Her skin burned me through my clothes

My clothes scratched my skin until I was sure it was red and bleeding

The car pressed my clothes into my skin

I hummed the whole way home, but the stinging didn’t stop

Anya tried to help me up the stairs

I screamed when she touched me

Not because I didn’t want her to touch me

Because her skin burned me and my clothes scratched me, and it was  _ too much _

I think I fainted again, because I don't remember going up the stairs

I remember Anya trying to help me take off my shirt

I remember fighting against her, because she burns me

I remember screaming because I wanted her to hold me tight because I was scared

Raven helped her

Her hands were cold, cold, cold

And soft

She helped with my shirt

The air hurt my skin

I tried to walk to my bed, but my hip sockets weren’t working properly, and I was shaking so much

I should’ve listened to Clarke

I shouldn’t have gone outside


	243. Chapter 243

I didn’t get out of bed today because I couldn’t stop shaking and my head wouldn’t stop spinning

Postage Stamp lay next to me, and I have forgiven him for being an idiot because he’s warm and I’m cold

Anya says Clarke will come past later to see how I’m doing


	244. Chapter 244

Cos

I feel so warm

Clarke came past, like Anya said she would

I was asleep when she arrived, so she moved one of the dining room chairs into my room and when I woke up she was sitting there with her jacket on her lap

Postage Stamp was sleeping on my feet

I don’t think he meant to get me sick, he was just chasing shadows

Clarke said

“Hey there Lex. How are you feeling?”

And I said

“I feel cold.” 

Because I did.

And then I said

“How are you feeling?”

Because that’s polite

Clarke said

“My back is a bit sore, but it’ll be okay once I lie down for a bit. Perks of having boobs, I guess.”

And that didn’t make much sense, because how is it a perk if it hurts you?

So I said

“I don’t think that’s a perk. You can lie down if you want to. There is space.”

I know I don’t usually like it when people lie next to me in my bed (except for Mama and Anya, because I shared a bed with Anya for a while, and Mama is Mama, and I guess I also share a bed with Postage Stamp, but he’s a dog, so it doesn’t count) but Clarke has slept in my bed before, and I trust her not to touch me without asking, and I also don’t like the idea of her being sore

Clarke asked

“Are you sure?”

And I nodded and moved over a little so that there was more space for her.

Postage Stamp decided to wake up and go for a little adventure around the apartment, so we were alone

“How’s your head?” Clarke asked, putting her phone on the table and hanging her jacket on the back of the chair

“Not spinning anymore.”

She sat on the edge of the bed, and I tried to sit up, but she reached out and hovered her hand just above my chest, which meant  _ lie down _

That is one of the reasons why I trust Clarke

She doesn’t touch me without asking, and if she doesn’t ask, she doesn’t touch, she hovers

If she’s offering me her hand, she holds her hand over mine, without touching it, or taps the back of my hand twice

If she wants me to stay lying down when I’m trying to sit up, she holds her hand just above my chest so that I understand what she was going to do, but she doesn’t actually touch me

“And your chest?” She asked

“I don’t understand.”

“Does it hurt to breathe?”

“No.”

Clarke nodded, and lay down

I closed my eyes, because I was still tired, and I shivered a little, because I was cold, and Postage Stamp wasn’t there to warm me up

“Cold?”

Clarke asked

“Yes.” I whispered, because I was too tired to talk

I felt her move, and when I opened my eyes, she was holding out both arms and a spare blanket

“I could lie with you if you want?” She offered

Gods Cos

She’s so warm

Warm and soft

She smells like sunshine and chocolate and her arms held me close, but she didn’t touch my shoulder blades, and if I wanted to, I could get away

I fell asleep again

I must have

I’m awake now though

And I feel so warm

My sheets smell like sunshine and chocolate


	245. Chapter 245

Wolfie and I played video games today

Wolfie is better than me, because she knows all the guns

She also plays the game properly

I like to wander around and look at all the writing on the walls

Raven says I’d probably be the best at finding hidden quest lines and achievements

Wolfie says that that’s a good thing


	246. Chapter 246

I felt better today, and Anya drove me to the docks so I could still have coffee with Colleen

Colleen says I should rest some more

Her hair is shinier than it used to be

Anya got powdered sugar on her nose, and no one told her

Raven laughed at her when we got home

She picked Raven up and threatened to drop her over the side of the fire escape, but I knew she wouldn’t, because A) Anya loves Raven, and she wouldn’t hurt her, B) Raven’s legs were wrapped around Anya’s waist, and her arms were around Anya’s torso and C) Anya was holding Raven’s leg around her waist.

Indra says that I may come to class tomorrow, but I have to watch.


	247. Chapter 247

Watching is less fun than taking part

Indra had to pair up with Octavia, because I’m usually Octavia’s partner, but I wasn’t allowed to be her partner today, because I’m sick

Octavia didn’t stand a chance.

It was kinda fun watching her lose, but I did feel a little bit sorry for her, because Indra  _ doesn’t _ take it easy on her, and Octavia is kind of tiny

Lincoln sat with me for a little while

His red nail polish is peeling, and he asked me what colour he should paint his nails next

I said

_ Pink looked nice _

And he said

“I thought so too. But a bright pink, or a soft pink?”

And I didn’t know

What do you think Cos?

Bright pink, or soft pink?

(Soft pink isn’t the way the pink feels, soft pink means that the pink is not bright, it is light in colour)


	248. Chapter 248

Octavia asked if I wanted to go to the soup kitchen with her tomorrow

I ask Anya and she said

“I can’t give you a lift, but I think Raven should be able to? My boss wants this design finished and presented tomorrow.”

Raven said

“Aw heck yeah, let’s do it. Tell O I’m coming too.”

I’m looking forward to it

I like helping at the soup kitchen.

I hope it becomes a regular Friday thing


	249. Chapter 249

Postage Stamp was upset that I left the apartment without him

I promised him that I’d take him for a walk later

Raven drives like a maniac, so I’m going stop writing now, otherwise I’m going to be sick.


	250. Chapter 250

There were lots of people 

I got a little scared, but Raven and Octavia stood on either side of me, and bumped shoulders with me every now and then

Hope was there, and she smiled very widely when she saw that I was wearing the scarf she gave me

I’m tired now, but it’s not a bad tired

Raven says she’s tired too, and I’m grateful, because her exact words were

“I was supposed to put up decorations today, but I’m too tired. Tomorrow, Lexa, tomorrow is decoration day”

Mental note:

Ask Anya if there’s a spare key to the bathroom, and if there isn’t, lock the door and keep the key in my shoe.


	251. Chapter 251

Anya is a good person and I feel bad for behaving the way I did towards her

She woke me up this morning and said quietly

“Raven’s still asleep. Clarke says you’re welcome to go spend the day there if you want to avoid the decorating mayhem. Get dressed quietly, and I’ll run with you if you want to go.”

I gave her a hug, because things like that is why Anya is the best sister in the world, and I’ll always be grateful that Call-Me-Mandy put me in the same room as her.

I’m waiting for her to put on her shoes

It’s taking so long because her shoes are in the same room as Raven, and she wants to be back home before Raven wakes up, so she has to be very quiet.

I hope Aden’s there

I miss baking with him.


	252. Chapter 252

Aden was there!

We baked chocolate chip cookies, but instead of chocolate chips we used M&M’s

He showed me his new drawings on the wall, and then wrote

**Hello Lexa, Aden can write now**

And I picked him up and hugged him close because I’m proud of him

How many five-in-two-days year olds do you know that can write?

Clarke said

“Aden and Didi are best in their class at spelling.”

We went to the park, and on the way we saw Tris so she joined us

We made snowmen in the park

The Tris and Aden got into a snowball fight, but Tris was gentle with Aden because he is very small, and she isn’t

Clarke laughed a lot today, and the cold made her cheeks pink

Whilst they were playing, she looked at me and gently pulled my hat over my ears

“That’s my hat” She realised, but she didn’t make me take it off

I said

“Yes. I swapped with Aden that day in the park so he would know that I was going to help him.”

She smiled and then said

“Keep it. It looks better on you than it did on me anyways.”

And it looked like she wanted to say more, because she didn’t look back at Aden, and her feet were still pointing at me, and her hands had slid down from my ears to my cheeks, and she was still leaning towards me, but then Tris hit me in the head with a snowball, and Clarke jumped away to avoid getting splattered.

Then we had a snowball war, and I sat on Tris so she couldn’t throw any more snowballs

We all had to shower to warm up, but Clarke let me get away with changing my shirt (which was only wet because she’d shoved two handfuls of snow down my jacket.

I was sad when I saw that my hoodie was also wet, but Clarke loaned me a shirt _and_ a hoodie

It was weird, because I wasn’t wearing _my_ hoodie, but at the same time, it was kinda nice, because the hoodie smelled like Clarke

Tris then had to leave, because she had

“Shit to do”

And Clarke punched her once in the arm for swearing in front of Aden

It’s a bit strange, because Aden can’t hear the swearing, but I guess it’s also because Tris is always getting in trouble for swearing in the wrong place (like chapel)

Clarke, Aden and I made mac and cheese with little pieces of chicken and ham

She played music softly while we cooked and I asked her

_Who sings this?_

And she said

“Halsey”

We ate while watching Escape to WItch Mountain

I don’t know why people complain about subtitles

I love subtitles because sometimes I prefer watching without sound, and also because people on TV sometimes talk too fast, or have strange accents, or speak to softly

When Aden realised that Tony played the harmonica, he climbed onto Clarke’s lap and said

_Sing Tony’s song please_

And put his hand in the space between her collarbones

Clarke hummed the song that Tony played until Aden nodded, climbed off her lap and sat on the couch between us again

Before I left he made me promise to come to his party for the whole day

I asked Clarke

“Is that okay?”

And she nodded, so I said

_Yes I’ll come_

To Aden

Anya laughed at me almost the whole way home, which was impressive, because we were running

She said

“You really _do_ have heart eyes, you know that Lex?”

I said

“My eyes are green, but I know that my face does something strange when I think about Clarke”

And then she said

“Why are you carrying your hoodie?”

So I told her

“Tris, Aden, Clarke, and I got in a snowball fight and Clarke put snow down my jacket and she said I didn’t have to shower if I changed into dry clothes so she loaned me a shirt and a hoodie and said she would give my clothes back next time I saw her, but I don’t want to lose my hoodie, so I kept it.”

And then Anya nearly fell into a rubbish bin, and swerved at the last second, smacking her shins on a bicycle

“You’re wearing her hoodie?”

And I said

“Yes Anya, weren’t you listening? She loaned me a shirt and a hoodie!”

Anya was still being stupid when we got home, so I asked Raven, who was wearing reindeer horns

“Do you have any music by Halsey?”

And Raven said

“There will be none of that gay shit in my house over Christmas, talk to me about it on Boxing Day”


	253. Chapter 253

I went with Anya to buy Aden a birthday present

We bought him a dot-to-dot book, but not one of the baby ones

Aden isn’t a baby, and he’s good at spelling and counting, and he knows lots of different words because he always watches TV with the subtitles on

So we also bought him Pictionary

I also asked Raven if she knew how to make something similar to a seismograph, but for sounds, because Aden always asks me

_ Is it loud, Quiet-L? _

And she said that she needed a bit more time, so maybe for Christmas

It was only when we were wrapping the presents that I realised

I don’t know when Clarke’s birthday is

I should ask her

I’ve known her for almost a year

You’ve been gone for almost two years Cos

I miss you so much

I wish you were here


	254. Chapter 254

Aden was wearing his fire truck hat when we arrived

He had some friends from school over, Didi and Tristan, and  _ K-a-t-e-r-i-n-e but we call her Big-K _

We took them to the arcade for a little while, and Raven and Anya quickly ran to the motorbike games, and after that we’re not entirely sure what happened to them

Clarke and I placed Dance-Dance-Revolution and she beat me because I’m not very good at dancing and she is

We then played a game where you had to knock over clowns with balls

I was very good because I don’t like clowns and I’m good at throwing things

I carefully saved all my tickets and just before we left, I bought Clarke a green turtle teddy bear, because she told me her favourite colours are green and purple, and turtles are very cool, except they eat jellyfish, which are related to octopods and squids and I like octopods and squids, and therefore I like jellyfish too, and so turtles can be a bit mean, but even so, turtles are cool

We went back to their apartment for lunch and cake, and Raven and Anya joined us there

Didi, and Big-K and Tristan left after the cake, and Aden had red icing all over his face

Just as I was reaching for Clarke’s hand to get her attention so that I could give her the turtle, someone knocked very loudly on the door

Clarke looked at me for a second, and her eyes were so  _ blue _ Cos

The she said

“Octavia told me that she couldn’t get off work, but maybe she traded shifts with Lincoln.”

And Aden has learned what 

“Octavia” 

Looks like on your mouth (this is called lip-reading, but he’s not very good yet, all he knows is  _ Octavia _ , and  _ chocolate _ )

So he got very excited, and started running towards the door, but there were prickles on the back of my neck, so I picked him up as he ran past me, and followed Clarke to the door

The person knocked loudly again, and Clarke said

“Hang on would you O?!”

Kinda loudly, and yanked the door open

It wasn’t Octavia

It was a man, but it wasn’t Lincoln, or Big-Man-Gustus, or Logan, or Ahmed, or Artigas, or Tomac, or Tommy, or Smokes, or Nyko, or Murphy, or Jasper, or Wells, or Monty, or Angelo, or Imp

He said

“Hey Princess.”

And Clarke’s hand slipped off the door handle with a loud noise

She said

“Take Aden away, please Lexa.” And I nodded, even though she couldn’t see, because she wasn’t looking at me

I took Aden to the living room and gave him to Raven, who was wearing a paper boat as a hat, and I said

_ There’s a man at the door _

And Raven did a quick  _ look _ with Anya, and then Clarke said loudly, in a high pitched voice

“Get out of my house Finn.”

And her voice doesn’t usually sound like that, so I went to go see if she was choking, because Mama once told me that people’s voices sound funny when they’re choking, and choking isn’t good for you

And the man said

“I want to see our son Clarke. Get out of the way.”

And then the man  _ pushed _ Clarke

Mama told me “Sometimes people hit other people even when they don’t deserve it. It’s not nice to hit people Lexa, but if someone is hitting you, you hit them back hard and run to go tell Anya, okay?”

And maybe she was only talking about me taking grade 3 classes when I was supposed to take Grade 1 classes, but that wasn’t my fault because I really liked reading and spelling, and that the Grade 1 kids were bad at it and it made me angry when I had to sit and recite the alphabet when I could already spell  _ restaurant _ and  _ big friendly giant _ and  _ photosynthesis _ because they were in Anya’s school books and she would always answer my questions.

Maybe Mama was talking about the big kids that were mean to me, but when the man pushed Clarke, she lifted up her hands and shrunk into herself, flattening out against the wall, like Emily did when Anya and I were still at The Home, and Emily said that her Dad would hit her, and Mama said that it’s not right to hit people, I got angry, because Clarke didn’t do anything

I stood in the hallway and I made myself big, like Indra said, by filling my chest with air, and rocking up onto my toes and flexing my arms at the elbows like a big gorilla

He smelled bad when he got closer to me, like Anya’s breath when she was in eleventh grade and went to Loud-Noise-Ian’s party one night

Mama yelled at her for being “shit-faced” on a school night, and “Lexa trusts you Anya, if you don’t treat her properly when you’re like this, you don’t deserve that trust.” Which was a bit mean, because all that Anya had done was slam the door because it was raining and her hands were wet

She cried a little (Anya not Mama) which was very strange, because Anya didn’t, and still doesn’t, cry that often, and hugged me close, swearing to be a better sister

I know I’m going off topic, but my head is fuzzy and these are the things that I can clearly remember

He told me

“Move, just because she’s your bitch now doesn’t mean that I-”

And then all I really remember is Indra’s voice saying

“Follow through with your punches Lexa. You don’t have much upper body strength, but your core is strong, and you’re fast. Follow through, and follow up.”

And then there was yelling, and my ears started hurting, and then Anya was holding me in the c _ rash _ position, which is what Doctor Fowler said Mama and Anya and Miss Jackie had to know, and then Mama taught you, and I guess Anya has taught Raven it too, because I live with her as well now

The  _ crash _ position is what Doctor Fowler said they must do when I have a  _ meltdown _

I don’t like the word  _ meltdown _ very much, because I don’t  _ melt down _ , that would imply that I become less than I am.

The  _ crash _ position is what Anya and Mama had to learn to get me into when things get too much and colours are too busy and everything keeps moving too fast, and sounds are too loud and  _ sensory overload _ happens, but again, I don’t like that phrase, because nothing is  _ overloaded _ , I just don’t see or hear anything

The  _ crash  _ position is when Anya (or whoever’s doing it with me, but it’s usually Anya) sits behind me on the floor, and tucks my head under her chin, and bends my arms at the elbows, so that my hands are under my chin, and wraps her arms around my chest, keeping my arms still, and her legs press against mine on both sides

I broke her nose one time because she took too long getting me into the  _ crash _ position

Raven says I hit the man, and that he hit me back, and then I threw him onto the floor, and then he left but she was holding an ice pack to her face, and Clarke was crying when I started seeing and hearing again

She cries so softly Cos

Almost like she’s trying to hide the fact that she’s crying

She sat on the floor with Aden in her lap and held him tight and cried her little quiet cries

Remember when we found the kitten stuck in the tin can?

The tiny noises he made when I picked him up so you could get the tin off his head?

Clarke sounds like those little noises when she cries

I want to fetch her a big box to hide in, and bring her fluffy blankets and fun socks and warm hoodies when she cries

I don’t want her to cry at all

Anya made me leave with her when I could feel my toes again

She said that Raven would stay with Clarke, and that Octavia would join them later

I never got to give her the turtle


	255. Chapter 255

Anya says that I can go see Clarke tomorrow

Raven never came home yesterday

My hands hurt, and Anya said

“That’s what happen when you punch people in the face Lexa”

And that made me feel scared, because Indra clearly told me

“Don’t fight someone unless you are in danger.”

And I hit someone in the face, and I hadn’t been in danger, and that’s wrong, because that was the condition that Indra said she’d teach me on, and then I went to go get my box, because I needed to think without seeing and hearing everything and as I was walking into my room, Anya stopped me and gave me a hug and said very quietly

“I’m proud of you Lexa. You did the right thing.”

Which is very confusing, because Indra told me not to fight unless I was in danger, and I’d fought the man in Clarke’s apartment, when I  _ wasn’t _ in danger, and Anya told me that she was proud of me for fighting him, and that I’d done the right thing

I guess he  _ did _ push Clarke and make her scared, so maybe it’s okay because I was fighting for her?

Ahmed said

“Looks like you got into a fight there Sunshine. No shame in it unless you lost.” 

And Noodle whined at me, licked my hands and then scratched his ear

I’m not good enough at social cues to understand what that means


	256. Chapter 256

Clarke sent me a text asking me to take Aden to school this morning

When I got there, she was wearing a dark green shirt with a fading black pattern on it, but that was okay, because I knew the pattern was originally bird's wings, because it was my shirt

The shirt is slightly too big for me, because it belonged to Joe, Mama’s close friend, and sometimes they date

It’s very too-big on Clarke

She was wearing sweatpants under the shirt, and her socks were mismatched, one with dogs and one with cats

Her eyes were red, and she didn’t speak

She said

_ Come in _

And when I did, she went to go fetch Aden, who was trying to put his jacket on with his hands full of drawings and sentences done in crayons on scrap paper

I asked her 

_ Are you okay? _

And she did a strange motion with her head, which was kind of a no, but kind of a yes, and I could see tears in her eyes again, so I didn’t say anything else

She hugged Aden goodbye, and kissed the top of his head, and touched my hand to say goodbye

I don’t like her like this Cos

That’s the same way I was after you…

Before I moved in with Anya and Raven

Aden spoke to me the entire walk to school, and showed me his plans to make Clarke happy again because

_ The bad man makes her sad. _

And I asked him

_ Who is the bad man? _

And he said

_ I don’t know. The man from my party. I don't like him, he makes Mommy sad. Will you help me with my plan? _

And after thinking for a little, I said

_ Yes. I’ll meet you outside here at 1400 hours _

Which made him smile and laugh a little, because he likes playing Firemen, which involves using a 24 hour clock, and saluting

He saluted just before his teacher closed the door

We have a plan to make Clarke happy

It had better work


	257. Chapter 257

Aden’s plan, in theory, was simple

In practise, not so much

I tried to ask Raven for help, because she's the only one with a key to Clarke’s apartment, but when she asked why, and I said I was going to sneak in, she said

“Hell fucking no Lexa! You’re going to give Griff a heart attack! You’re like a stealthy-ass ninja, both you and your sister.”

So that was a bit of an issue, because Aden’s plan relied on me getting into the apartment, so I tried a different tactic and asked Anya if Echo was still around

Anya said

“Nuh uh Lex, Raven already told me what you’re trying to do.You can’t borrow someone’s spare key to someone else’s apartment, it’s rude.”

So that plan also didn’t work, so I decided to do the rest of the prep whilst I thought about it

And after buying what was needed, which was a little bit more difficult than expected, because I don’t know much about art, or bath bombs, and most people don’t know how to sign, but it kinda worked out in the end

When I fetched Aden from school, I showed him the things in my rucksack, and he unpacked them all over the sidewalk to do quality check, and only after he was satisfied could I pack them all back in

We also stopped on the way back to the apartment to buy hot chocolate

Clarke answered the door quietly again, and her hair was wet, like she’d just gotten out of the shower, but she was still wearing my shirt, and her black sweatpants

She opened the door to let Aden in, and she hugged him tightly, and kissed his hair, and before she could close it, Aden grabbed her hand, and pulled her to his room, which, according to the plan, was my cue to put all the stuff on the kitchen counter

There was lots of broken stuff in the sink

Mostly glass, but some of it used to be plates, and some of the glass was green, and some of it was brown, so I guess that that glass was from bottles

I unpacked as quickly as I could, and when I’d finished, I realised that the turtle was also still in my bag, but I wanted to wait with that

That was for Clarke, but it wasn’t part of the plan, so I left it in my bag

Aden came running back into the kitchen and tugged on my pant leg, which means

_ Please pick me up _

So I did, and when Clarke came into the kitchen, she covered her mouth with her hands

She picked everything up, and rolled it over in her hands, and then put it back carefully

Everything from

_ All different colours of green paint, because she uses it lots, green and red and blue, and yellow and purple and silver and brown, but shiny brown _

I bought lots of paints, and then also some brushes and canvases, because that’s what the girl in the shop recommended

Then there were sixteen bath bombs, four of each kind that matched the description that Aden gave me, which was 

_ Blue and purple with glitter _

And then I also added half her Christmas present which Aden helped me pick out during lunch one day

The entire gift is earrings and a necklace made of silver with pale blue gemstones

Aden asked me how much it was going to cost, because he only had a ten, but I said that it was going to cost him two drawings, four cookies and a movie, and he said

_ Okay, but I want to buy hot chocolate too _

And then I paid

We only gave her the earrings today though, and only because she looked very sad

She was crying again when she hugged both of us at the same time, and I could feel her holding a handful of my hoodie, even though it was really her hoodie, because I really like wearing it

She said

_ Thank you so much Brave-A _

And Aden said

_ Don’t be sad Mommy, they’re all for you! Quiet-L is just here because I couldn’t get everything because I had school _

And Clarke said

_ I’m not sad Brave-A. I love you so much. _

And Aden said

_ I love you too Mommy _

And then Clarke asked

_ How much did this all cost _ ?

And before I could answer, Aden said

_ Four drawings and a movie. Also Quiet-L gets to have a head start when we can race again, because she’s too slow to beat me _

And then he added

_ I have to go draw now _

And ran back to his room

Clarke hugged me again, and then she just...stayed there

She kept her arms around me, and she tucked her head under my chin, and I held her close, and only let go because my phone started ringing, and it was playing

A.C.D.C. by Joan Jett

Which meant that it was Anya, and that meant that I had to answer

Anya spoke in a voice that I know means  _ scared _ but to anyone else it would mean  _ Anya _ ’s  _ voice is a little weird _

She said

“Lex, I need you to stay at Clarke’s tonight, okay? No walking home, no going to the subway until I come get you tomorrow.”

And I said

“I don’t have any of my things here. And we didn’t ask.”

And Clarke, who was listening, because it was a video call so that I could sign if I wanted to, said

“You can borrow some of my things. I’m sure there’s a spare toothbrush somewhere.”

And her voice was a little raspy, but otherwise normal

Anya said

“Thank you so much Clarke.”

So I guess I’m spending the night here

I have to go, Aden wants to play


	258. Chapter 258

Aden and I played for a little bit, and then he did his homework whilst Clarke and I made supper

I don’t know why he has homework, he’s only five and a day

Clarke said that it was because he’s doing a different grade’s spelling words, and he needs to practice

I think that if he’s doing a different grade’s spelling words, he should be in that grade, like I was, but Clarke explained that it’s because he hasn’t learned sentence structure yet, and that he wants to stay with Didi and Katerine, because they’re his friends

That makes a bit of sense, because I didn’t have any friends, and sentence structure was easy for me when I was five so it was easy for me to move grades twice

It also meant I got to spend more time with Anya, because if I hadn’t moved, I wouldn’t have had the same break-times as her

I guess he didn’t have that much homework, and the only reason it took so long was because he did the entire week’s spelling words so that he can play more

Kids are smart, I wish Anya had learned how to plan ahead, because even now, she still leaves things until the last minute

We made mashed potato and mince and pumpkin cooked in honey and it was very yummy, because Clarke chopped the tomato very small and I couldn’t taste it

She chopped the tomato very quickly into small, small pieces, and then she washed the board and the knife before handing them to me to chop onion, and that made me happy because I like helping, but I don’t like tomato

We ate supper, and Clarke checked Aden’s homework, and we played Snap, and Aden won, and then he went to bed, and I was allowed to say goodnight to him

I called Anya to say goodnight, and she said that she’ll fetch me tomorrow sometime, and that I had to stay inside until she came

It’s a weird thing to ask, but it’s Anya, and I trust her, so I’ll stay inside

I think the heating in Echo’s room is broken


	259. Chapter 259

Aden woke me up at about three, because he had a

_ Scary dream _

And he didn’t want to wake up Clarke because

_ Mommy hasn’t been sleeping well and tonight she’s sleeping _

And I asked him

_ What do you want me to do? _

And he climbed onto the bed and pulled back the covers and wriggled until he was comfortable under them and said

_ I’m still scared _

So I did what Anya does when I get scary dreams and climb into her bed

I hugged him close and said

“Sweet dreams Aden” 

So that he could feel the vibrations, and after a little while, he went back to sleep

I was a bit scared that I was going to squish him while I slept, but then I remembered that Raven had once fallen onto Aden and he came out okay, so he’d be okay

We woke up at a more normal hour, and we made breakfast

He’s very good at buttering toast, but I didn’t let him near the stove

He beat the eggs into submission, and helped me choose things to put into omelettes, but I didn’t let him use the chopping board, because it’s a little dangerous when you’re as uncoordinated as he is

We finished up just as Clarke shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes

Her hair is very curly in the morning, and the lights made it glow, and her eyes were very blue, and she kinda froze in the doorway and stared at us

Then Aden said

_ Good morning Mommy! _

And jumped off his chair like a paratrooper, and I had to lunge to catch the butter knife before it fell

Clarke picked him up and held him tightly for a little while, hiding her face in his hair

I don’t blame her, his hair is very soft

Then we ate breakfast and she said

_ Sorry Brave-A, but no school today. _

And Aden was a little sad, but then Clarke promised he could watch a movie with us if he cleaned his room, made his bed, and showered

He ran off so fast I thought there were going to be scorch marks on the carpet

That was a joke, because it’s not possible, so it’s an example of  _ exaggeration _

Clarke helped me clean up, but I shooed her away, because she was shivering a bit

Aden was still in the shower when I finished with the dishes, so I went and got the turtle and my spare hoodie out my backpack

Clarke sniffled a little when I offered them to her, and she quickly put the hoodie on, pulled the hood over her head and pulled a funny face

I laughed a bit at her, because it really was a funny face, and then she had to think about a name for the turtle

She was still thinking when Aden ran back in with his pants on back to front and demanded that we watched Harry Potter, but then he said that I get to choose which one, because that was the deal

I chose The Prisoner of Azkaban, and set it up whilst Clarke helped Aden fix his pants

She has named the turtle

Voldetort

It’s very funny


	260. Chapter 260

Anya has very bad timing

Well, Anya has bad timing, and Raven also has bad timing, but Raven is the one with the key, so it’s technically her fault

It was really cloudy and drizzly outside, so we closed all the curtains and turned off the lights, which made it really,  _ really _ dark

Clarke said that it was so dark because she bought black out curtains because she used to work overnight, and then she had to sleep during the day and the sun was too bright

We were playing hide and seek in the dark, because there’s not enough hiding places in the apartment to play hide and seek normally, and Raven opened the fucking door onto my foot

I made a weird screaming noise, and instead of  _ closing _ the door, Raven tried to open it  _ further _

The only bright side of having my foot brutally run over by the door (which is weirdly heavy) is that Raven had to do the dishes instead of me

The downside includes my foot being sore, not being able to run, Postage Stamp dancing all over my foot, having to put ice on my foot, which involved taking off my sock and resulted in cold feet

Clarke gave me a hug hug, and promised that my foot would be okay, and then both Anya,  _ and _ Raven coughed

“ _ Heart Eyes” _

And then Clarke threw pillows at both of them at the same time

It was very impressive

Aden drew a picture of Postage Stamp for me

I put it on my pin board


	261. Chapter 261

Raven is the biggest pain in the entire world

She barged into my room while I was sleeping, picked up Postage Stamp, who was keeping my legs warm, and barged out again

She was also drunk, so she managed to fall over my shoes, sit on my sore foot, and almost drop Postage Stamp

My foot fucking _hurts_ Cos!

Anya said

“I know Lexa, I know.”

When I said

“Raven is a dithering idiot with an engineering degree”

So I asked her

“Why are you dating her if you agree with me?”

And Anya said

“Honestly Lexa, I ask myself that sometimes. Other times, I look at her and wonder if she’d still be alive without me.”

And Raven shouted

“ _Love you too babe!_ ”

I don’t understand them Cos

They’re always arguing

They constantly bicker

They can’t stand being more than 5cm away from each other when they’re sitting on the couch

They blush like fools whenever someone teases them

They’re always pretending to ignore each other

And yet somehow Anya stares at Raven with a stupid look on her face for hours when Raven is working, and Raven is forever _touching_ Anya

Little touches

She pushes her hair out her face

She brushes against her arm

She bumps hip with her

She leans her head on Anya’s shoulder

I miss those little touches

I miss the way your hair would tickle my face and ears and neck when you hugged me, or rested your chin on my shoulder

I miss the way your hands felt holding mine, rough because of all the dried paint, soft because of the soap you used to get rid of the paint

I miss the tiger-stripes on your hips, they were so beautiful and shiny

I miss your laugh

I miss you Cos

I miss you


	262. Chapter 262

There is a week until Christmas, and Raven is getting antsy

I took her _and_ Postage Stamp for a walk

She tried to buy another Christmas tree

Postage Stamp behaved better than she did

He’s very smart, because Anya and I have taught him how to listen to verbal orders, as well as signed ones

He still has a little trouble with _stay_ but he’s still a baby

He’s allowed to wiggle

Raven and I found Ahmed and Noodle in the park, so we let Noodle and Postage Stamp play together, and we drank hot chocolate

Raven and Ahmed are planning another huge Christmas

I hope Clarke and Aden can come again

Also Athena, I miss her

Raven built a snow rocketship, big enough for all of us to sit in

She also probably has frostbite now


	263. Chapter 263

Anya got annoyed with Raven and I, because we were having a NERF war across the apartment and she was trying to work

I don’t know what work she was busy doing on a Saturday, but it must’ve been important

The game was too fun to abandon, so we ignored her

Rule number one Cos

Always listen to Anya

Otherwise she gets angry and puts ice down your back before throwing your NERF gun out the window

Ahmed laughed at Raven and I when we went dumpster diving to get the guns back

He said that Anya has excellent aim

I’m inclined to agree with him


	264. Chapter 264

Clarke sent me a panicked text today

I say panicked, because it had lots of exclamation points

I blamed it on the fact that it was a Sunday until I read the text, which went something like this

**Hey Lexa! Really sorry to text you on a Sunday, but I need a response as soon as possible! There’s a New Year’s Gala happening at the hospital, and I wanted to ask if you’d come with me? I’d be happy to pay for your dress, or suit. Aden will be staying with Octavia and Lincoln, so I just hope that he doesn’t come home with a six pack! Please let me know as soon as you can!**

I asked Anya what day the 27th was, and she said it was a Thursday, which means as long as I wake up in time to go with Octavia to the soup kitchen, so I replied with

**Hello Clarke. I would very much like to go to the Gala with you. What colour is your dress? Are you wearing a dress or a suit?  I highly doubt that Aden will get a six pack overnight, so I don’t think you should worry about it too much. Tell him I say hello?**

It was a bit strange and stilted because we don’t usually text, because Clarke needs her hands to talk to Aden, so we usually skype to talk

Raven made a strange high pitched noise when I told her but that made me uncomfortable, so I went to my room and counted my hoodies

One’s missing, but there’s a spare one

My black one with white leaves is missing, but there’s a dark red one with black circles

I still have the same number of hoodies, and one of them smells yummy and is looser around the chest than the others, and the sleeves are slightly shorter, which means they’re less likely to get dirty

I think it was a good trade


	265. Chapter 265

Anya and I went shopping today

I really don’t enjoy shopping because there’s lots of people and noises and smells and sometimes the floor changes from tiles to linoleum or the tiles change direction, or the patterns change, and people try to talk to me and sometimes Anya’s not with me to help

But Anya is the best sister, and instead of going to the mall, we went somewhere new

Echo is  in the fashion industry

I know this because that’s where Anya took me to get something to go to the Gala with Clarke

Echo smiled when she saw us, and she said

_Hey Quiet-L. Long time no see_

And I said

_Hello Echo_

Echo’s name is nice to sign, because it’s just _echo_

Clarke apparently got her dress (it’s “bluey purple”) from Echo

Echo asked if she could take some measurements, and I said

 _No_ because I don’t really know Echo

Echo said

_Okay. Can A-N-Y-A take the measurements?_

And I said

_Yes_

Because I know Anya

Echo had already put lots of dresses and suits on a rack, and after hearing the measurements, she pulled some off the rack and put them on an empty one

Then she made me try them on, and Anya made me do silly poses, but it made her happy

Eventually, we all agreed on a suit.

It’s got black pants, and a black blazer

“Top button done up when you stand, undone when you sit, and the bottom one only gets done up at a funeral Lexa”

And a dark grey waistcoat

The tie is apparently the same colour as Clarke’s dress, and Echo told me that my hair should be

“Tied back, but not up. Do the braid thing that you did at Christmas.”

She usually signs to me, but she was talking because she had her hands full with a pair of boots with slight heels.

Anya thanked her, and I thanked her, and she said

_Anytime for you Quiet-L. Beautiful people deserve beautiful clothes. That’s why I took this job._

Raven made me show her as soon as she got home

She says I look like a

“Dapper penguin”


	266. Chapter 266

There are three days until Christmas, and Raven is wondering if we could maybe squeeze a few more people in

A few more people by her definition is the entire shelter when Tomac sleeps

Anya has said  _ no _ very firmly and repeatedly, and loudly

I think this is her  _ putting her foot down _

Anya is wondering if Raven is convinced yet, or not, so she’s offered for all three of us (including any lost souls who had to sleep over due to intoxication) to go to the shelter’s Christmas meal and help out

I think this is her  _ screws coming loose _

I’m wondering if I should wear my red socks, or my green ones, because Raven has said I have to wear them or she’s buying me Santa and reindeer socks and I have to wear those instead

I don’t _have_ to do anything but…

Red, or green Cos?


	267. Chapter 267

Wolfie is sleeping on the couch, because Raven has redecorated my entire apartment, and it’s

“No longer habitable”

Anya has devised a plan for us to 

“Escape the madness”

The plan involves going for a run, and then going to Octavia’s apartment because Aden is there because Clarke is at work

Wolfie said

“Fuck that. I’m not doin’ exercise. I’m goin’ to find Tris.” 

And Anya said

“Get your feet off the coffee table”

Which was a bit mean because Anya  _ always _ puts her feet on the coffee table

I’ve never been to Octavia’s department

I wonder what colour nail polish Lincoln is wearing


	268. Chapter 268

One day left

I wish you could see Raven

You would’ve found her preparations for Christmas hilarious

I find it slightly terrifying

Lincoln was wearing bright orange nail polish

It was vaguely repulsive and made my arms itch

He apologised and promised never to wear it again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait  
> Things have been really hectic  
> Here comes a bit of spam to try and make up for it


	269. Chapter 269

This is it Cos

Red-Jacket-Raven has entirely lost her mind and her hair is so flour-covered that she looks like she’s aged fifty years in three hours

It’s only seven, and Anya has already started eyeing her car keys


	270. Chapter 270

Luckily, I managed to escape and went playing in the subway

I got lots of money

I guess people want to give more money away on Christmas

I tested this theory by playing Carol of the Bells because it was your favourite christmas song

Seventeen people stopped walking to listen, and twenty nine gave me money

Anya phoned me to tell me that I had to go home before she murdered Raven, so I packed up quickly, but not too quickly, because there was always hope that Anya  _ would _ actually do something drastic

On the way home I gave most of the money to the shelter

I don’t need it, but they do

Anya has evacuated into Molly’s apartment because she has a headache

Raven is even more food-covered and I didn’t think that was possible because she was completely covered when I left home

I think I’m going to have to lock her in the bathroom to make her shower

Maybe if I lock her in the bathroom, and then chase her into her room she’ll sleep for a little

Mama used to do that to me when I was little and couldn’t sit still

She’d let me run around for a while and if I didn’t calm down she would make me take a bath, or a swim if it was warm enough, and then I had to try and sleep

Sometimes it worked, other times it didn’t

Maybe it will work with Raven


	271. Chapter 271

The mission was aborted because Raven picked the lock both times and threatened to defenestrate me

Then she started crying and apologised for being mean, and offered me a cookie

Anya has come home and they are now cuddling on the couch

Raven is napping, and Anya is doing the thing where she just stares at Raven like she put the stars in the sky

It’s kind of disgusting, but it’s sweet at the same time

I wonder how they met.


	272. Chapter 272

Lights camera action

I’m sorry there’s no scene setup this time

It’s pretty much the same as last year, except a bit louder, because everyone knows everyone else

There was also more dancing than there was last year, because Octavia stole the aux cable from Raven and played everything  _ except _ Christmas music

Aden and I escaped after four songs, because he can’t hear the music, and I can’t dance, and he was tired and asked me to go with him up the stairs after he’d said goodnight to Clarke

He and Clarke slept in my bed

I slept on Molly’s couch

I sat with him until he went to sleep, which didn’t take long because he is very little, and he was very tired, and then went back downstairs

Clarke and Echo were dancing together to  _ Don’t Play _ by Halsey

It made my stomach do a strange twisty thing, and I didn’t like it very much, so I turned to go

Anya touched my shoulder gently, and when I turned to look at her, she had a strange face, and she hugged me tightly until the song ended

She also said

“Clarke only has eyes for you Lexa”

Which is impossible, because Clarke was born with eyes and I didn’t know Clarke then, so I’m guessing that Anya was just very drunk

She does get drunk sometimes, but I’m not scared of her

She just says silly things and wants hugs when she’s drunk

I don’t remember much of what happened, but I do remember dancing with Clarke at some point, and by dancing I mean swaying like we normally do, and then playing some kind of card game with Indra and Gustus

Postage Stamp was wearing reindeer horns when I snuck back into the apartment this morning

Why is Postage Stamp wearing reindeer horns Cos?


	273. Chapter 273

I need Raven to wake up to help me get ready for tomorrow

Clarke said “I’ll help you, but I really need to shower. May I use the shower quickly?”

And I said

“You may. Do you need clothes?”

And she said

“I should be okay, I’ll just wear my jacket over my bra.”

And she said that because Octavia managed to spray half her drink across the room after Raven made her laugh, and most of it went all over Clarke’s shirt

And that’s what Mama would’ve said was

“Completely unacceptable Lexa!”

So I fetched some of my clothes for her

I would’ve borrowed Raven’s, but I’m scared of what I’m going to find when I open that door


	274. Chapter 274

Clarke made bacon and pancakes and then smiled and said

“Watch this” before opening Raven and Anya’s door a little and holding the pan next to the crack

Raven has never woken up so quickly before

Of course, she did immediately shove past Clarke and throw up in  _ my _ bathroom, but she did wake up

Anya emerged in a somewhat more dignified fashion, but then had to go back into her room once she realised that she wasn’t wearing pants and that Artigas’ was waking up on the couch and his eyes were huge

Raven laughed and growled at the same time, which was mildly terrifying, so I decided to escape to my room and play with Aden until she woke up properly

Clarke and Aden left about five minutes ago, and Raven says she’ll help me after she’s showered

My sheets smell like sunshine and chocolate and grass and bubble baths.

I think I like it


	275. Chapter 275

Costia

I’m going to the Gala dinner with Clarke and it feels like my tummy is trying to escape from my body

I keep asking Anya if we can go on a run, but she says

“Lexa, I love you, but we’ve already gone four times, can’t you take Postage Stamp?”

At least Postage Stamp is happy to go on runs with me


	276. Chapter 276

Five hours until it’s one hour before Clarke is coming to get me because I don’t own a car


	277. Chapter 277

Four hours and Raven is yelling at me because I’m

“Wearing holes in the floor girl!”


	278. Chapter 278

Three hours and twenty minutes and I think I need my box


	279. Chapter 279

I fell asleep in my box and Anya’s just woken me up because Clarke’s coming in an hour and I’m wearing one of Joe’s shirts and a pair of Anya’s sweatpants

Is this what  _ nervous _ feels like Cos?

My tummy is still trying to escape and I can’t stop swaying and humming and Raven has put on Halsey to

“Try calm you down. You look like Anya before a-”

And she never finished her sentence because Anya punched her gently

I know it was gentle, because Anya would never hit Raven hard


	280. Chapter 280

Echo has sewn weights into the bottom hem of the blazer and I am very grateful to her for doing this

I like it when my jackets are heavy

I used to put rocks in my blazer pockets at school to make it push down on my shoulders

Anya did my hair and it made me feel calm because I like it when Anya does my hair

I didn’t like it when Raven helped with the make up though, because it smelled funny

They both say I look good though, and when Anya sent a photograph of me and Raven to Mama, Mama said that I looked

“Dashing”

Which is apparently a good thing

I have ten minutes until Clarke gets here

Wish me luck Cos


	281. Chapter 281

Clarke arrived two minutes early which made me nervous, even thbloomI was ready

Anya noticed and took me to my room for a two minute hug and soft conversation, whilst Raven talked to Clarke in the living room

Raven snatched the glass of water out of Clarke’s hands, which was just as well, because Clarke started choking on fresh air

I was really worried about her, and I didn’t understand why Raven was laughing so hard until Anya said

“You took her breath away Lexa. She thinks you look beautiful, and it’s made her brain fuzzy.”

Which was a bit inconsiderate, considering that Clarke was literally choking, but she seemed to recover after a seconds of spluttering

And that’s when I really looked at her and gods Cos

Things became topsy turvy and somehow still the right way up

I was so scared, and so calm

Everything was moving too fast, but not at all

I can only say with certainty that Clarke was causing all of it

Her dress was long, but at the same time short

It touched the floor behind her and looped up in swooping folds to just above her knees in front

It was the same colour as the sky in the last few moments before the sun sets completely, a dark, yet somehow soft colour that’s stuck somewhere between blue and purple

Her eyes looked like two immense oceans, framed with black, and her hair glittered silver as if the stars themself had dropped from the sky and nestled amongst the curls

She noticed me looking and told me that Aden had said that she had to have silver glitter

I agree with Aden

Her shoes were black and silver

She made my heart do a funny jump-step in my chest

I know it was her fault because she was the only thing in the living room that was different to normal

I drummed on my legs the whole drive there, and when I noticed Clarke watching me when we stopped at a red light, I apologised and my face got hot, because I knew I was probably distracting her

“No.” She said, and touched my hand for a moment, “It’s okay. Do you want music to drum to, or are you okay like that?”

I asked if she had Halsey, because Raven still hadn’t put her music on my phone, and Clarke smiled and selected it on the radio

I offered her my arm as we walked up the stairs, because that’s polite, and she chuckled softly, and said

“Thank you, my lady.”

Which I realised was a joke, because in movies the lady always says

“Thank you good sir”

And that meant that Clarke was mocking _heteronormativity_ which used to be one of your favourite words, so I said

“You’re very welcome, _my_ lady.”

Clarke didn’t let go of my arm as she introduced me to some new people, but she did swap sides to stand on my right, and that made me happy, because she didn’t make me speak to people, and because she was holding my arm, I didn’t even have to shake their hands

The Wells arrived, and she went to say hello to some other people, but only after making sure that I was okay with Wells

Wells is okay I guess.

I like his smile

But then Cos, the devil queen arrived

Not Raven, Raven and Aya were probably taking full advantage of the empty apartment

No, the devil queen was wearing a dark green dress and had dark blonde hair

She had a gold watch on her right hand, which meant that she was left handed

Oh Cos, I knocked a glass of water all over Wells

The devil queen isn’t really a devil queen, she’s a work partner of CLarke’s

Her name is Niylah

Devil-Queen-Niylah kissed Clarke on both cheeks and then tried to kiss her again, but Clarke ducked out of the way and laughed

I started shaking and the blazer felt too light

I thought that the weights weren’t going to be heavy enough to keep my feet on the floor, and that I was going to float all the way through the ceiling

My tummy felt hot and twisty, and when Wells called my name, I jumped and turned to face him with my teeth bared

Anya bares her teeth Cos

Not me

Postage Stamp bares his teeth too

Anya’s teaching him bad habits

When I turned, my hand caught his glass of water and it tipped all over his beautiful dark red blazer and black shirt

He said it was okay, but I still got a fright

And then like magic, Clarke was there

She said

“Don’t worry Lexa. It’s not half as bad as that time that he was on his way out of the hopital to go on a date, and I tripped and landed on him.”

I said

_I don’t understand how that’s bad. You fell._

And then both of them started laughing, and Clarke gasped out

“Yes, but I was covered in vomit.”

And Wells said

“I had to throw the shirt out, because the smell wouldn’t come out. It’s okay Lexa, it’s dark fabric, and it’s only water.”

And that was a little funny, but then he added

“I had to borrow a shirt from Clarke. My date was very surprised when I arrived wearing a pink floral shirt and dress pants.”

And that was funny, so I laughed

When I stopped, Clarke was staring at me, and Wells was smirking at CLarke and out of the corner of my eye I could see Devil-Queen-Niylah, so I looked down at myself, scared that I had spilled water over myself too

Cos

Clarke leaned forwards and kissed my on the cheek

It tickled and her lips were soft and she smelled like sunshine and chocolate and flowers which was new

Gods Cos

She’s so beautiful

She is the night sky, blue and purple and black with stars scattered through her hair

She is the sun, bright and warm, and a laugh that make flowers bloom

Those are metaphors

She has oceans in her eyes and stars in her hair and lives cradled in her hands

That is not why I kissed her when she dropped me off

No

I kissed her because she is the sun, and the night, and the oceans, and she is stories told and untold and she is a beautiful painting of a thousand different hues

I kissed her because she makes me feel safe

I kissed her because she is Clarke

She is Clarke, nothing more, and nothing less, and that is why I kissed her

Please understand me Cos

She is Clarke

Clarke.


	282. Chapter 282

Raven woke me up at four so that I could tell her everything

I picked her up and deposited her back in her own bed (and maybe on top of a sleeping Anya) because it’s rude to wake people up when they’re sleeping


	283. Chapter 283

Raven ate all my fucking cereal!

I swear to the gods Cos, she’s completely insufferable and I hope she gets hit by a low-flying pigeon!


	284. Chapter 284

On second thoughts, make that pigeon a weaver, because she’s finally downloaded music onto my phone


	285. Chapter 285

Tris and Athena came past and they are disgusting together, even worse than Anya and Raven

Raven eventually wormed her way between them

Anya was too busy having a  laughing coughing fit to comment

Raven laughs really loudly

Tris is very good at death glares


	286. Chapter 286

I saw Aden today!

We played cards and then we made pancakes for dinner

Clarke pretended to be angry when she got home, but cheered up when we showed her that we’d cleaned up all the mess, and made her a plate too

She kissed my cheek when I left

I’m not entirely sure how I got home Cos

I think I walked


	287. Chapter 287

Raven refuses to call me by my name and insists on calling me Heart Eyes

I have dressed Postage Stamp in her favourite jacket


	288. Chapter 288

Anya has declared that we all have cabin fever and that we all have to go to Mama’s house for New Years

I think it’s because she's getting tired of Raven, Postage Stamp and I running around the apartment trying to kill each other

No one is trying to kill Postage Stamp though, he’s just running

I’m happy, because I miss Mama, and I might see Joe and steal more baggy shirts!


	289. Chapter 289

Anya wants to leave today, but that’s not allowed, because today is Sunday!

And I’m supposed to babysit Aden tonight!


	290. Chapter 290

It’s been agreed that we will leave early tomorrow morning

Aden and I made cinnamon chips

They’re lots of fun Cos

You take soft tortillas and cover them in melted butter and then sprinkle cinnamon and sugar over them and then you make them and when they come out the oven, you leave them for a bit until they become crunchy and you can break them into chips

Aden tried to eat the cinnamon

He had to wash his mouth out with milk

It was a little bit gross and he got a big fright, but he should be okay


	291. Chapter 291

Anya said we had to be up at four, but I was up at three, so I woke her up so that we could leave earlier

Raven let me have the front seat for once, because she wanted to sleep in the back

But now I’ve been kicked back to the back

It’s okay though, I know she needs the space for her legs.

Three hours down, two to go

Anya says we should arrive before ten


	292. Chapter 292

We arrived at 9:42, so Anya was right

Mama wasn’t home, so Anya gave me a boost through her bedroom window, like we used to do when we got locked out in high school, except I didn’t really need the boost, because I could jump and reach the windowsill, but I let her give me a boost because that’s how we get into the house when we’re locked out.

I let them in through the kitchen door and we had coffee and hot chocolate and Raven raided the cookie jar, which means that she’s been here before, which made me feel a little bit sick

But then Mama got home, and Joe was with her and Joe said

“Leeshy Loo!”

And I said

“Slow Joe!”

Because that is how we greet each other, and then I gave Mama a big hug

Her nose was cold and red

My room is the same as I left it

Except it’s not exactly, because last time I was here, I made a big mess

I feel bad that Mama had to clean it

I didn’t  _ mean _ to make the mess, I just…

It was the day I got the phone call

The phone call about you

I’m going to ask Anya if she’ll come on a walk with me

If she says no, I’ll ask Joe

And if Joe says no, then I guess I’ll just take Postage Stamp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are/did you all dressing for Halloween?


	293. Chapter 293

Anya whined that she was too tired to go on a walk with me, but then Mama threw a cloth at her and said

“You get your ass out that door and go on a walk with your sister or so help me Anya I will show your girlfriend your baby photographs.”

And Anya replied with

“You have no baby photographs you daft woman, I’m an orphan!”

And Mama threw a wooden spoon at Anya and said

“Don’t you give me sass Anya, or I will ensure that Raven knows every tiny detail about-”

And Anya threw both the cloth and the spoon at Mama and jumped off the couch and into her coat and said

“Bye Raven! Coming Lex?” Before snatching her shoes and going outside

We went on a long walk, and Anya only pushed me into one snowbank

Mama hit her on the head with the handle of the egg lifter and told her to set the table and that she was a terrible example to me, and that she should be grateful that it was snowing or she would be sleeping in the tool shed

And then Mama told me to go and shower and change because supper was almost ready

Then Joe said

“Come on Raven, I want your opinion on the lawn mower, is it going to make it?”

And they walked out 

It’s reasons like that why I like Joe

Joe knows that I don’t like it when people are in the house when I shower

So I showered quickly, and then went downstairs for supper

Joe and I made weekly planners after supper

Not because I’m bad at planning

Mama and all my teachers always said that I was very good at planning

It’s just that I sometimes forget to tell people about my plans, because I don’t consider them plans, and then they make plans and I get angry and sad when they change my day around

My week gets put into days, starting with Sunday's because that’s how I like them

Then we add times on the left, starting at half past five, and ending at half past eleven

It helps, because then Mama knows when she can phone me, and I have to tell people everything on that day when they ask if I want to do something

So if Clarke asks if I want to go somewhere with her on a Friday, I have to tell her that I help Octavia at the soup kitchen from eleven until two

And if Wolfie wants to go see a movie on Wednesdays, I have to tell her that I have lessons with Indra from two until five

Mama and Joe have always made me make weekly planners like this

I don’t need it, but they do

I  _ know _ that Sundays are usually  _ bad days _ and that I babysit Aden in the evening, and that Mondays are when Ahmed and I go exploring with Noodle and Postage Stamp, and that Tuesdays are coffee days with Colleen, and on Wednesdays I have training and on Thursdays and Fridays I go to the soup kitchen, and Saturdays are usually open unless Clarke has work, in which case Aden comes over

But sometimes I don’t tell other people, because I assume that they know that I always do these things on those days, but they don’t know

So now I have a planner

It’s the first planner that I’ve made since I was sixteen that you haven’t coloured in for me

I don’t know if I want to colour this one in by myself


	294. Chapter 294

We were on the roof watching the fireworks when my phone rang

I couldn’t hear it, but I could feel it vibrating in my pocket

I slipped back inside to answer it, and it was CLarke, and her voice sounded  _ wrong _ and she said

“Lexa! He’s coming back and I don’t know what to do. Aden’s sleeping, and he just called to say that he was-”

And I said

“Who is coming back Clarke?”

And she whisper-shouted

“ _ Finn! _ ”

So I said

“I’ll go get the keys. Stay on the phone with me.”

Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when someone is scared

I spoke to Joe, and borrowed Joe’s keys, and made Joe promise to tell Mama and Raven and Anya where I had gone, but only after the fireworks had ended

And then I drove

And I drove fast

I don’t like driving much anymore

I never speed, I promise

Except for this time

Because it was an emergency

And I put Clarke on speaker, and I spoke with her the whole time

The four hour straight-line drive took two hours and thirty seven minutes

Anya always takes us the long way around because she doesn’t like driving on the main road because that’s where you…

I drove on the main road

And when I got to Clarke’s apartment block, I took the stairs three at a time, and when she opened the door, I hung up and said

“Get your coat and pack a bag. You and Aden can come stay with me and Mama until the fourth.”

And she started shaking her head, but then she kinda started nodding, and then her head was just going in circles, and she looked like she was about to cry 

Then she said

“Thank you Lexa”

And her voice caught on the  _ x _ and it sounded like  _ Leksa _ which is how you and ANya used to say my name

And she went to go pack a bag

I went to Aden’s room and packed his clothes into his schoolbag, making sure to add his favourite dinosaurs, and his fireman’s hat

And then by then, Clarke was ready, so I gave her Aden’s bag, and woke him up

He was very sleepy, so I had to carry him, and Clarke also grabbed a blanket on her way out, so that he could sleep in the back seat

I pulled out of the parking lot as Finn stepped out a taxi

Clarke nearly screamed

And then Cos, I drove

I drove, and I drove, and I had to go the short way again, because it was getting late (early?)

We arrived at Mama just after six

I used Joe’s keys to open the kitchen door, and showed Clarke to my room

Her and Aden are sleeping in there now

I’m on the couch with Anya, who waited up for us

We both keep dozing off, so I’m going to take a nap

I think I’ve done the right thing

I hope I’ve done the right thing

 

Happy New Years Costia


	295. Chapter 295

Raven woke me up

She said

“You’re a good person Lexa. Thank you for taking care of Clarke.”

Then she drew a moustache on Anya’s face

I have vacated the house because I am fearing for my life

It’s kinda cold, and I want to show Aden around, so I’ll head back soon

Our fence is buried under snow


	296. Chapter 296

Aden and I have built three snowmen, and Raven has turned the lawnmower into a hot rod

How, I don’t know

Joe is impressed, but Mama isn’t

After lunch, Aden and I will start building a fort

We will defeat the lawnmower Cos, and our fort will survive under siege, because I’ve stolen the cookie jar


	297. Chapter 297

Clarke has vetoed our snow fort, because it’s not snowing, so much as avalanching outside

Aden and I have made a blanket fort, and we are now colouring in

Anya and Raven are reading in a pile on the couch

Mama and Joe are doing a puzzle

Clarke is sitting in the fort with us making paper cranes

I’m having fun Cos

You would have liked this


	298. Chapter 298

We have to go back to the apartment tomorrow

None of us want to, but Anya, Raven, and Clarke have work

Aden and I have to build our snow fort today

The lawnmower has been properly restored by Anya, and in return Raven has locked her outside with us

She’s build a deck chair out of snow, and is trying to suntan

Sometimes I wonder why I’m the one who has to take medication Cos

Then I remember that Anya used to take Concerta, but stopped after she met Raven because Raven doesn’t like the sight of medication, and Anya never really liked her Concerta very much anyways

Anya also doesn’t like listening to Doctors

She’s not very smart for an engineer sometimes Cos


	299. Chapter 299

Ahmed, Postage Stamp, Noodle, and I went exploring today

Exploring is when you pick a direction and keep going, looking at everything new

We found a fantastic food cart that sells some kind of warm, spicy wine, and hot chocolate overflowing with marshmallows and cream

Noodle found a hole in the snow and Postage Stamp got stuck in it

Then we had to find a subway station because I had to get home to cook dinner

I invited Ahmed because he’s fun to have at dinner

He’s also a better cook than I am


	300. Chapter 300

Wolfie is being weird again

She vanished for a few days, but she’s back now

She doesn’t climb through the windows anymore, she uses the door, which is very unusual for Wolfie, and this morning she asked me for a leg up, and she adjusted the angle of the camera in her hallway, making sure it pointed directly at the door of my legal apartment, but her actual apartment

I think she might be sick

She only ate four pancakes before falling asleep on the couch

I’m a little worried Cos, but Anya and Raven are both at work, so I don’t know what to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for the long wait  
> Exams are finally over, and I have taken a six hour nap today, which is the most I've slept in about a month I think  
> Anyways, the show must go on...  
> If anyone has anything that they want to see, let me know!


	301. Chapter 301

Wolfie has not left the apartment all day, and now she’s helping Anya with the dishes

Raven is mumbling about aliens possessing the friendly neighbourhood pot head, and then she says  _ pod peopled _ and starts giggling like a fool

Maybe there's a gas leak?


	302. Chapter 302

There is not a gas leak according to both the landlord and Anya, who says that Postage Stamp would have started barking if there was gas

I googled it, and I believe her, dogs can smell gas before humans can

To double check, I made Anya ask Ahmed, who was clattering around in the alley

Ahmed says dogs can smell gas and bombs and noodles before humans can

Maybe Wolfie had too much to drink before smoking?

If she’s still like this after class on Wednesday, I’m calling Clarke


	303. Chapter 303

Raven has gotten herself arrested because she threw her leg brace at a man on a bus and broke his jaw

She has admitted to Anya that she may have neglected to actually throw the brace, and rather swung it at him hard

Anya has declared that both Raven and Postage Stamp are getting flea dips, and then when Wolfie walked in looking like Professor Trelawney, Anya said that she was going to book three slots

I think that means that Wolfie is also getting a flea dip

I wonder if flea dips smell bad

Raven is also sentenced to the couch for

“Making me tell my boss that I have to bail my girlfriend out of jail for assault, and then having to come bail your dumb ass out of a cell”

I think Anya is a little bit annoyed with her

But I’m also confused, because she was laughing when she told me what Raven had done

Anya is confusing 


	304. Chapter 304

Raven came crawling into my bed last night, mumbling something about a wild animal on the couch

I went to go look, and found Smirnoff curled up in Raven’s blankets, purring

Wild animal my ass

(That means that Smirnoff is not a wild animal, and that Raven was exaggerating, and I am exasperated with her exaggeration, at least, that’s how Octavia explained “my ass” to me)

There’s now a wild animal sleeping in my bed, and I had to share the couch with Smirnoff

Wolfie woke me up at about four to let me know that she was going to sleep on the other couch

I don’t like sleeping in the same room as other people, so now I’m watching Mulan with subtitles and no sound, and Wolfie is half sleeping and half watching


	305. Chapter 305

Anya nearly kissed Wolfie good morning, but then realised that Wolfie is not Raven, and then she looked confused for a moment, until Wolfie said

“Your wife is sleeping in Lexa’s room”

And Anya frowned, before going into my room and shutting the door

Unfortunately for her, the door for my room is not soundproof, so Wolfie and I could both hear her telling Raven that

“You can’t just sleep in Lexa’s bed Raven! She needs her own space, and you have to respect that! You know that this kind of thing can cause a meltdown and”

I guess she probably said more than that, but I left the apartment and went to the subway to play the violin, and now I’m sitting at Subway

I don’t like it when Anya talks about me like I’m not there

I don’t like the word  _ meltdown _

I don’t like sharing my bed, but I guess Raven is okay, but she’s Anya’s girlfriend, and I don’t think it’s right for me to share a bed with her

I don’t know Cos

Tris is coming over now

She’s kinda running


	306. Chapter 306

Tris got caught shoplifting a bandanna, and now we’re train jumping

I have to go to class in twenty minutes, so we’re getting off at the next station so that I can get back to the apartment to change


	307. Chapter 307

Wolfie is still acting weirdly, and Clarke said that she’ll be here as soon as Octavia arrives to watch Aden


	308. Chapter 308

Anya was angry with me when Clarke arrived

She made me explain myself in front of Clarke, which I didn’t really enjoy, so I said

“I hear you and Raven talking about why I was sleeping on the couch, and I didn’t like it, so I went playing in the subway, and then Tris and I went train jumping, and then I went to class, and I didn’t leave the city, and I didn’t need any help, so I don’t see why you’re angry.”

And Clarke then asked why I was sleeping on the couch, so I said (signed because Wolfie came out the bathroom)

_ Raven was supposed to be sleeping on the couch, but Smirnoff woke her up _

And then Clarke asked

“But why was Raven on the couch?”

And Anya said

“Raven was on the bus when some guy started yelling at her for sitting in the handicapped chair, so she took it upon herself to break his jaw with her leg brace, and then she got her dumb ass arrested for assault, and I had to go bail her out, which annoyed me.”

And both Clarke and Wolfie started laughing

Clarke says there’s nothing wrong with Wolfie

I’m not convinced


	309. Chapter 309

Anya says she won’t talk to Wolfie for me, and I have to do it myself

According to Raven, Anya’s surfing the red tide

I didn’t know that Anya could surf

But her surfing isn’t helping me with Wolfie!

Maybe Clarke will talk to her…?

I can’t call Clarke every time I need something done though

I don’t know what to do Cos

I don’t like talking in front of strangers, because everything gets too loud, and my words run away

But is Wolfie really still a stranger?

She’s been living on our couch for about a week now

And I guess I’ve spoken in front of her before

What do you think?

What would you do?


	310. Chapter 310

Aden says I should just talk to Wolfie

Well, not exactly, he said

_ When I’m scared of doing something, I tell Mommy about it, and then I do it, and once it’s done, Mommy takes me for ice-cream because I was brave. If you’re scared Quiet-L, you should tell Mommy about what you’re scared about, and then do it anyways. Auntie R-Bird says C-A-R-P-E D-I-E-M which means take this day because you won’t get another one like it. Could you pass the sprinkles? _

I don’t think that’s exactly what carpe diem means, but Aden knows many things that I don’t

I think I’ll talk to Wolfie

That’s what you would do.

Clarke says if I keep making cupcakes with Aden, we should open a bakery

Aden says he does not want to be a baker, he wants to be a fireman.

I do not particularly want to be a baker either, because I am already a writer


	311. Chapter 311

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the spacing or formatting is not as it usually is, I am not updating from my usual device, so I'm not sure how it looks  
> This chapter is for Heidles, for making me exercise, but that's okay because you also feed me which makes up for the exercise

Something is happening

  
I don't know what

  
Wolfie was sleeping on the couch because...that’s just what Wolfie seems to be doing these days

  
I was flicking through one of Anya’s engineering books because I like the diagrams

  
Anya was trying to defrost a pack of chicken by glaring at it

  
And the Raven came home, and she’s not the quietest of people

  
So Wolfie woke up, and stood to get a hug, and something fell out of her pocket and I don’t know why it was such a big deal, things fall out of pockets all the time, but it was a plastic packet with foil inside it, and the next thing I knew, Raven was holding the packet and she asked Wolfie in a very quiet, very serious voice

  
“What is this?”

  
And Wolfie went pale, and started stuttering, and Raven took her by the arm and dragged her into her and Anya’s room

  
I’m sitting on the couch, and Anya is pacing and I’m debating whether or not to tell her that she can just put the chicken in the microwave to defrost, but I think she's waiting for Raven and Wolfie to finish talking

  
I hope she is, Anya has many talents, but cooking isn’t one of them


	312. Chapter 312

Raven says Wolfie is staying for dinner

  
She usually stays for dinner, so I don't know why Raven felt the urge to announce this

  
I think Raven and Wolfie have been crying, because their eyes are red-rimmed and Anya asked Raven if she was okay, and Raven kind of nodded, but kind of shook her head

Anya growled at Wolfie, and took a step towards her, but Raven grabbed her by the wrists

They shared a  _look_

And then Anya just hugged Raven tight

And then Raven held out her arms for Wolfie

And Wolfie nearly started crying again

Anya gave me a hug so that I wouldn't feel left out

In all honesty Cos, I just felt hungry

 


	313. Chapter 313

Maybe Wolfie will feel better now that she's cried for a bit

Mama always told me that if I needed to cry, I should, because crying releases the chemicals in our brains that make us feel intense emotions and the quickest way to return to a stable state of emotion is to cry and get rid of the chemicals

I think more people need to cry, even though I don't like it because it makes voices go funny

Raven has taken over cooking from Anya

Both Wolfie and I are relieved

Smirnoff doesn't care because he doesn't eat cooked food, he gets raw chicken, so Anya’s terrible cooking doesn't affect him

Lucky Smirnoff


	314. Chapter 314

Artigas came to visit today!

He and Wolfie played video games whilst Raven and I baked, and then we ate almost all the cookies and half the brownies because all three of them had gone outside to smoke and were

“High as a fucking kite Leeeexaaaa”

According to Raven

They then proceeded to cut up one of Raven’s smart shirts to make a kite, and Raven fell asleep in a pile of glue and ribbons

I have hidden my shower caddy so that she won't steal my things to wash that gunk out her hair

Anya came home and said

“Not today”

And has kicked both teenagers to the downstairs apartment, and has left Raven in the bathtub to 

“Deal with herself when she wakes up”

We’re having pizza for supper, and while we wait, I’m braiding Anya's hair because 

“If I have to deal with one more idiot today Lexa, I’m packing a suitcase and moving in with Joe.”

Joe was in the army, and doesn't tolerate idiots


	315. Chapter 315

Raven woke up, and ate her entire pizza, and half of mine, but that was okay because I wasn't really that hungry

Then Anya locked her back in the bathroom and declared that she wasn't allowed out until she was clean of mind body and soul

Raven replied

"But my love, you know I am a filthy wench"

And Anya said

"So then live in the bathroom forever, see if I care"

And I'm mildly worried that Anya won't let her out until Mama says she must, but I think Anya loves Raven too much to sleep alone for more than four nights

Think being the key word in this scenario


	316. Chapter 316

I was babysitting Aden today, and Wolfie was sitting on the couch, watching Jurassic Park with us, when Raven practically fell through the door and shouted

“Wolf Pup, put on your smartest fur coat because you're coming to work with me tomorrow”

And Wolfie jumped up and said so many swear words that I was glad that Aden couldn't hear them, because Clarke would never let me spend time with him again if he went home repeating what she’d said

I’m guessing she's happy, because she didn't shout at Raven for calling her Wolf Pup

I carried Aden home because he said he was too sleepy to walk, and after Clarke and I had tucked him in, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said

“Thank you Lex.”

And we sat together for a little bit, and she had a glass of wine, and I had a glass of water because I don't want to walk home if I've had alcohol because it’s not safe to be near roads if you’ve had alcohol and you’re alone

She told me about her day, and about a little boy named Max who broke his arm when his mom lost consciousness whilst driving and he grabbed the steering wheel to swerve out of the way of a truck and sent the car into a lamppost instead

She said she gave Max a lollipop for being so brave before she sent him for x-rays

I told her how I broke my arm defending Anya from a baseball that she didn’t see coming, but I missed the ball and it hit me, and I fell against Anya, who got a fright and then shoved me, and we both fell over (because I grabbed her shirt),  and Anya landed on me, breaking my arm

She laughed a little, but I could see she was trying not to, and that made her pull a strange face, so I giggled a bit

When it was time for me to go, she helped me put on my coat, and then leaned forwards, and I got a fright because I wasn’t expecting that, so I stepped back

She looked upset for a moment, but then she held out her arms for a hug

I gave her a hug, but when she turned to go back inside, I held onto her wrist and asked

“Would it be okay if I kissed you now?”

And instead of replying, she took a step forwards again, draped both arms over my shoulders so that her hands were in my hair

Then she said

“Go ahead”

With a little smirk on her face

So I kissed her

And I think I floated home


	317. Chapter 317

Raven is being even more insufferable than usual but I don’t think I care anymore

We’re going out for lunch with Clarke and Aden

I kind of wish that Anya and Raven and Octavia and Lincoln weren’t coming

But I think that that kind of wishing is what Mama would call

“Rude, you must keep this kind of wishing to yourself, even if it is true because you might hurt other people’s feelings”

So I’m not going to say anything

I hope we’re going back to the restaurant with the crayons


	318. Chapter 318

Lunch was great!

Well, aside from when Anya tried to murder Lincoln and ended up hitting her head on the doorway and then we had to change restaurants, and I don’t really like it when plans change

But I was okay with this change, because we weren’t going to go to the crayon restaurant, but because the other restaurant made us leave, we went to the crayon restaurant!

I drew a big tree with a squirrel sitting on one of the branches

Raven drew a robot

Lincoln drew a beautiful red flower and then he ripped it out of the table cloth and gave it to Octavia

Octavia drew a funny looking cartoon car and when she tried to give it to Lincoln she managed to rip it in half and everyone laughed

Anya drew cubes because she’s really terrible at drawing

Aden drew a fireman in a rocket ship and spent the rest of the meal drawing stars because

_ Did you know the world never ends? That means that we can never count the stars, because they never end too! _

And Clarke drew dolphins, playing between different planets that she’d drawn to help Aden

I ate lasagna and almost burnt my tongue, but Anya pushed my hand down before I could put the food in my mouth

I was a little bit angry until she explained that it was too hot to eat

I never really understand temperatures until they’re too hot or too cold

Clarke ordered a pizza which she shared with Aden, and Aden managed to get cheese and sauce all over his little face

Raven also ordered a pizza, and I think she got more food on her face than in her mouth because she spent the entire meal arguing with Anya over some betting pool that they had going in the office

Afterwards I walked Clarke and Aden home, and we stopped to get ice cream along the way, and Aden got  _ that _ all over his face as well so we had to stop to clean him off

I offered to throw him in the fountain to get him cleaned off, and then he screamed and ran away laughing

Raven says he laughs weirdly because he can’t hear himself to regulate the volume, and once she compared it to “sudden loud donkey noises” which was a bit rude so I threw a piece of carrot at her

I don’t think Aden laughs weirdly

I like his laugh

He laughs like me


	319. Chapter 319

Raven was lying upside down on the couch playing Call of Duty against Anya when I arrived back home

She asked if I’d gotten lost

I was about to reply that I hadn’t gotten lost when Anya butted in with 

“She’s being sarcastic Lexa, ignore her. Did Clarke and Aden get home okay?”

So I said

“I walked with them through the park and we got ice cream and then I walked them home, and they were okay when Clarke closed the door.”

And then Anya said

“God fucking damnit Raven, stop camping you absolute trash monkey!”

And Raven made a sound like a strangled hyena

(I’ve never heard the noises a strangled hyena makes, but I think that they would sound like Raven trying to laugh whilst she’s upside down and playing Call of Duty against Anya.)

Anya wriggled and jumped around in her seat, which is common when she’s getting frustrated with video games, so I thought twice about sitting next to her, before deciding that I wanted to spend time with her

I also wanted to see how red Raven’s face could turn before she fainted

I sat next to Anya for a little bit, and then she leaned back in her chair, toed off her shoes and gently pulled my hair, which means she’s trying to be friendly, but doesn’t know if I want to be touched, so I thought about it, and I decided that her skin wasn’t hot enough to burn me, so I shifted slightly closer to Anya and lay down with my head in her lap

She smiled at me, and rested her forearm against my face as she respawned in the game

She didn’t jump around or wriggle as much anymore, and when Raven’s remote ran out of battery, and they put on a movie instead, Anya started playing with my hair

And her lap was warm, and her fingers were soft, and the movie had nice music, and at some point Raven walked past on her way back from the bathroom, and she put a blanket over my legs, and that was just a recipe for naps, so I fell asleep


	320. Chapter 320

Anya and I went to the beach today.

We built a sandcastle, and then Anya swam, and for some reason I swam with her

Holy hell Cos, the water was cold

Winter is not gone, at least not in the ocean

Then we had to walk back in wet clothes

And Raven locked us out of the apartment, so we went downstairs to use Wolfie’s shower

The only bright side about this according to Anya’s muttering is

“Now you have no choice but to love me”

Because I curled up next to her on the couch and hid my face against her shoulder

I don’t like being cold Cos, and she’s always so warm

And when Raven came home, she was quiet after she saw us

She says both of us are going to get sick

Anya replied that 

“Woods’s don’t get sick, don’t be stupid Reyes.”

And then sneezed six times in a row 

I think Anya’s sick.

She won’t admit it.


	321. Chapter 321

Anya is sick

Anya is sick and Raven isn’t home

I don’t know what to do Cos!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day late, I know, I'm sorry.


	322. Chapter 322

Clarke says she has to work, but she’ll come past later

Anya’s lying in bed, but she won’t stay there long

She never used to stay in bed when we were younger and she got sick

I think she might stay on the couch if there’s something for her to do

I guess she might watch TV?

Or if she’s feeling up to it, I’ll play video games with her?

Anya doesn’t get sick often Cos

I don’t know what to do


	323. Chapter 323

I got her to sit on the couch, but she says that the lights from the TV are

“So fucking bright that they’re making me regret even thinking of connecting to the electricity grid.”

So she’s lying across the entire couch, with her feet hanging off the edge, because she’s too tall to fit on the couch properly, and her head is on my lap

I thought she was asleep so I started reading The Name of The Wind, because Anya got it for me a while ago, but it hasn’t been the right time to read it until now

But she couldn’t have been asleep, because she said

“Lex? Could you read to me?”

And sleeping people don’t enunciate properly

So I turned back to the beginning and I started to read

“ _ It was night again. The Waystone Inn lay in silence, and it was a silence of three parts. _ ”

She fell asleep before I could start the second chapter, and I knew this, because she was holding my knee, and when she fell asleep, her grip loosened.

I like reading to Anya, because she often reads to me.

It started when we moved in with Mama, and there were books in nearly every room, because

“Books are doorways that are never locked”

I didn’t understand that until you explained metaphors to be, because a book is a book, not a doorway, and doorways can’t be locked, only doors can, but you laughed and said

“Lexi, have you read a book recently?”

And I said, 

“Yes, I read my textbook in the holidays”

And you said

“No silly, a proper book, one with characters and chapters.”

And then when I said 

“Not for a while”

You took me to the library and read to me, and afterwards you said

“How long have we been sitting here?”

But your hand was on my wrist, covering my watch so I said

“I don’t know, you won’t let me look at my watch.”

So you kissed my cheek and your breath smelled like donuts because you made me buy you one on the way to the library, but then I made you wash your hands because donuts are greasy.

“Guess.” You whispered, and it tickled, so I think I blushed, and said

“Maybe an hour.”

You let go of my wrist and I looked at my watch and it had been four hours

Four hours Cos!

Anya can’t even keep still for five minutes, and I’d sat with you for four hours!

Then you put your hand over my eyes and said

“What colour is the poster behind me?”

And I said

“Purple, and it has orange bubble writing saying that you are not allowed to eat and drink in the shelves, only by the study area, thank you for your cooperation.” Because I had seen it when we came in

“Ah, I forgot you did that thing where you see everything in a few seconds.”

“It’s called looking Cos.”

“Yeah yeah little miss super powers, okay, how many people left whilst I was reading?”

I didn’t know

“Now which metals can be used to kill monsters?”

“Three magic ones, celestial bronze, stygian iron, and imperial gold, and one normal one, silver.”

“You know this, but not what happened around you, you were metaphorically inside the book, not out here, yes?”

It made sense, I remembered the story, not what was happening around me, so I nodded

“And no matter what, as long as there’s light, you can read, yes?”

I nodded again

“So then, books are doorways that are never locked.”

And that made sense

ANd then you kissed my cheek again and said

“I’m starving, let’s go assault Anya for food”

And we did, although Anya told us to

“Fuck off before I jam a shoe up your ass”

So we went to KFC instead


	324. Chapter 324

Indra asked if I wanted to start helping her with lessons

I didn’t understand, so Octavia explained from her position curled up in a ball on the floor

“She wants you to help teach the little people”

But I didn’t understand who the “little people” were because as far as I knew, hobbits didn’t go to Octavia’s gym, but Indra said

“Children, she means children.”

So I said

_ I’ll speak to Anya about it _

And Indra smiled brightly, a rare occurrence, and said

“Bring that sister of yours too, Wolfie tells me she fights too” 

So I said I would, but when I got home, Smirnoff was the only one there, rolling a potato over the floor and terrorising Postage Stamp, so I put his leash on, and went to go and fetch Aden from school

Aden was very happy as we walked to Octavia’s home, and kept trying to walk backwards to talk to me, but he’s a bit uncoordinated, and his legs are still slightly weird looking, so he kept falling, and I had to catch him before he fell

Postage Stamp and I delivered him safely to Lincoln, who immediately picked him up and threw him at the ceiling, so he shrieked with with laughter, and that made Postage Stamp bark loudly, and then Lincoln did it again and Aden said

_ Help me Quiet-L! _

So I reached out to try and catch him, but Lincoln slowly put me in a headlock, but a very loose one so I could escape if I wanted too

His fingernails are blue and sparkly

Of course, the noise we were making attracted the neighbour, a man with a round belly and hair everywhere except his head, which was red and shiny

He demanded that Lincoln put Aden down and let go of me, and leave before he called the police

Lincoln tried to explain that we were just playing, because we were, but Pot-Bellied-Neighbour-Man got even angrier, and Aden got scared, and Postage Stamp started growling, so I took Aden from Lincoln, and he hid his face in my hair, and I was also a bit scared, so I wrapped my hand around Lincoln’s arm

That made Pot-Bellied-Neighbour-Man stop yelling

“Like I told you sir, I live here with my girlfriend, and this lovely lady is dropping off my nephew for a visit. You’re new here, so I’ll let it slide this time. My name’s Lincoln, I own Grounders Gym, and if you ever assume that I’d hurt a child and women due to the colour of my skin ever again, I will do something drastic.”

“Lady, is he telling the truth?” 

I assumed he was talking to me, but I was still scared, so I looked up at Lincoln just to check, and Lincoln said

“It’s okay Lex.”

So I nodded

Then Lincoln let us all escape into the apartment, and gave me some water

I sat on the floor because I was still feeling scared, and Postage Stamp whined a little before climbing into my lap and nosing at my face in concern

His nose is cold and wet, and it made me giggle, and after a little while, my legs weren’t shaking, so I hugged Aden tightly, and said

_ Don’t forget to do your homework, or Raven will eat all the cookies _

To which he replied

_ I’ll do it all, I promise, please don’t let Raven eat the cookies! _

And then I ran home with Postage Stamp, who dragged himself to his basket and flopped down and fell asleep like the melodramatic starlet who he lives with

(Raven. Raven is the melodramatic starlet)

Anya immediately asked me

“What happened?”

And when I looked confused, she gently took my hands and twisted so my wrists were facing upwards

The skin was red and irritated, which meant I must have been scratching when I was at Lincoln's apartment

I told her, and her face went dead still, and her eyes narrowed slightly, and she continued chopping vegetables with deliberate movements, which means that she was angry

Then I told her that Indra wants to speak to us, and that I wanted a hug

She said

_ I’ll check when I’m free, and let you know _

And then hugged me tightly, for a longish time, until I tapped her shoulder, and she let me go with a 

“Go shower, Raven will be home in half an hour”

I think I may have killed Postage Stamp by running too fast, because he didn’t even wake up for dinner


	325. Chapter 325

Postage Stamp is not dead, and this is good because he keeps my feet warm at night, and comes running with me when Anya won’t


	326. Chapter 326

I went playing in the subway today

I went to my usual place, and there was a man dancing with a boombox

He smiled at me, and said

“Hey, you’re back. I didn’t mean to take your place, yeah? You were gone for a while, no one knew where you went. No hard feelings?”

I shook my head, and he tidied all his things up, and vanished into the crowd

It was odd, Cos

I didn’t own that spot in the subway, I could’ve looked for a new one

But that’s not important

What is important is that just before I went home, I looked up

I looked up, and Clarke was standing in front of me, and her bag was on her feet, and her eyes were so big, and so blue and 

I nearly fumbled the ending of the song

But I didn’t, and when I finished, she waited until I had put my violin away, and then she walked up to me and opened her arms for a hug

Her face was wet, and it took me a moment to realise she was crying, so I pulled away and said

“Clarke, are you-” but I didn’t get to finish because she kissed me

She kissed me and for a moment, I forgot I was standing in a train station, holding a violin that I found in a dumpster

“That was so...so  _ beautiful _ Lex.” Clarke whispered, and then stepped away, “Can I walk you home?”

So we walked together, and when I opened the door, Raven yelled

“Clarkeness Monster!”

And tackled Clarke back into the hallway

Anya said

“Those two are actual morons”

And I said

“Clarke’s not a moron, but your girlfriend definitely qualifies.”

And then I had to run away because Anya tried to eat me

But we calmed down, and Clarke ended up staying for dinner, and Aden was at Octavia so it was fine

I walked her to Octavia’s apartment after we ate, and I said hello to Octavia and Lincoln, and picked Aden up and spun him in a circle, before Clarke kissed my cheek again, and I walked home

Raven wouldn’t stop teasing me, so Anya forcibly contained her in their room

Cos, those two are so weird, I don’t even know why they’re together.


	327. Chapter 327

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is late, and I am very, very sorry, so have 2 chapters on this lovely Wednesday evening (or whichever day it is for you) to make up for it, and another update on Saturday morning because it looks like that's when chapters seem to get written
> 
> On a side note, I know a lot of you want to see more Clarke/Lexa, and trust me when I say it's coming, and when it does, I'm planning on making it disgustingly sappy, with classic Lexa humour, and classic Clarke everything. Do you want a useless lesbian Lexa, or a smoothly awkward Lexa?

Anya agreed to do a trial run with Indra’s 

“little people”

We’re going to go to the gym later to see how the class is run, and maybe help teach

I’m nervous Cos

When I was a “little person” other “little people” didn’t like me

I didn’t really like them either

But now I’m not a little person and Aden likes me, and he’s a little person, and maybe the little people at the gym will like me?

Do little people not like other little people Cos?

Raven is telling me to stop bouncing my leg because I’m making the couch vibrate, and she’s trying to work

Raven’s a liar because I can literally see her playing minesweeper

What if I hurt a kid Cos?

Sometimes in the gym I hit Octavia a little too hard, and she gets hurt, and although Octavia is the same height as a little person (she’s not, that’s exaggeration) she’s much stronger than a little person too, and if I manage to hurt Octavia, what will happen if I hit a child?

Children are rather breakable Cos

What if one of the children is named Sam?

What if one of the children is named Sam and they have your eyes, or your hair, or your smile, or they laugh like you, or have the same socks as you and I get sad because I will want you to see this Sam, but you can’t and then I get sad because that could have been  _ your _ Sam, or my Sam, or our Sam?

That child could have been our Sam. Our Samantha, or Samuel, or Salmonella? 

I could have watched you and Sam at the park, and taken photographs, and we could have read Harry Potter together, and watched TV, and Sam could have played soccer, or done ballet, or archery and all the other things you always wanted to do.

What if I hit this Sam-That-Isn’t-Our-Sam-But-Could-Have-Been-If-You-Hadn’t-Been-Hit-By-A-Drunk-Driver?

What if that Sam was our Sam and I grew up and became a Bad Person because my father was a Bad Person and sometimes things like that are genetic and what if I hit our Sam?

What if I hit you?

I don’t think I want to go to the gym later

I think Anya can go by herself if she wants to, because I just looked at the calendar and next week is the week before your birthday and I haven’t gotten you a present yet, and I have to get you a present

I’m not going to go.

I can’t go.


	328. Chapter 328

Anya came home and told me I was being a dithering idiot and that I am nothing like, and will never be anything like our father

She said this through the bathroom door because she had to

“Sort out the bloody mess in my pants”

Then she told me she loves me very much, and that if I feel very sad whilst we’re at the gym she will bring me home and we can go for a drive, but she said it through a mouthful of sweat shirt so it sounded like

“Ai lub ew berries Marge. Ishnu eel salad atta gimp Isle la Bing ew omen over writhe.”

Which is probably why Mama always told us not to speak with our mouths full

Then she also told me that she’ll come with me to get you a present whilst we were in the car outside the gym

Class is about to start

Wish me luck Cos.


	329. Chapter 329

Lincoln  made Anya go change right off the bat, because she was wearing a sports bra but no shirt and you aren’t allowed to show skin when you’re teaching children, so he sent Anya with Octavia to go get a shirt.

The children were divided into three teams, red, black, white, and Cos…

Lincoln is teaching Trigeda

The children have to learn and obey the four pillars, Wisdom, Compassion, Strength, Love

He makes them wear warpaint, but someone else in your team has to do your warpaint for you, because you have to trust the people you are surrounded by

There was a new girl who didn’t speak English so well, so he made Anya translate into Spanish for her

At first, they had to do simple warm up exercises, and then we moved onto some team building, and only at the end did we do any sort of fighting

Parents and older siblings sat on the small set of stands along one wall, and weren’t allowed to interact with the lesson

All the children had to show respect to each other, no matter what situation was

Before they fought, they had to grasp wrists and touch foreheads, and they had to do the same when they left the mat

When he asked them what the rules for fighting were they recited

“Heads up, eyes open, stay strong”

And Cos, they were so happy about it

Weedy-Kid-Lincoln, is continuing the teachings we received at home, continuing traditions through the youth

Once the small children had gone, Lincoln asked if we wanted to stay for the teenagers, and Anya and I said yes

The teenagers were different to the children

They were lean, and their eyes were hungry, and they listened to Lincoln with rapt fascination

They walked in alone, many of them changing into Grounders clothes, too poor to afford gym clothes

He spoke as they fought, fixing forms, and retelling old stories, and by the end of it, Anya had joined in, her voice barely stumbling over the words that she hadn’t spoken since Mama had adopted us

They listened carefully, teeth bared, sweaty limbed, and sharp eyed, they listened to the stories that I barely remember

Anya hugged Lincoln tightly at the end of it, mumbling in Trigedasleng

Lincoln held her just as tightly and said

“We are never alone Anya. There’s earth beneath us, and there are trees around us, and the sky is above us. This is what I wanted you to see when I asked you to come teach. I remember you in the playground in Ark, you wore your hair in braids, and you were so quick to fight. We may have lost our homes, but we can still build our families.”

And maybe Anya was crying a little when she hugged me close, tears making my hair wet, but she was happy Cos, so happy

Ever since Principal Pike had called all of us to his office, Anya, Lincoln, you, me, and others I don’t remember into his office and told us to 

“Speak English. You aren’t in your savage country anymore, you will not behave like savages”

Anya had been angry

I know this because she picked fights with other students even more after that, and when Mama asked her why she was doing it, she replied

“Because I’m a savage from a savage country.”

And that was when Mama started sending Anya for martial arts classes

I like the teenager classes more than the little children

I don’t have to speak to the teenagers, I don’t have to pretend to be anything

I think I understand them Costia

I remember walking to the Home with Anya after school, and seeing hollow eyed, lean, sharp tongued teenagers staring blankly through the fences at the sea.

I remember some of them had the outlines of their tattoos traced on their limbs, ready to be filled in after their training had been finished, but those outlines would never be filled in, because Trigeda was gone

I remember a boat, and cold, and I remember Anya holding me tight, she must have been about nine

I remember yelling, and I remember being scared

I don’t remember where we came from

And neither do the teenagers, most of them would have been born in Ark, a fenced off area for people like me and Anya

_ Refugees _

When we got home, Anya spoke quietly to Raven in Spanish, and they hugged tightly, and then Raven held out an arm for me, and then we were all hugging, and I think Anya was crying

And then Postage Stamp tried to eat Raven’s shoe whilst it was still on her foot and everything dissolved into chaos

I’m going to go back to class, I want to learn, and to teach

I want to hear the stories that I barely remember, and I want to relearn the language I used to speak, and maybe, just maybe, I want to remember all the quiet things you would whisper into my hair whilst we slept

I want to remember everything you did for me

And maybe I want to do the same things for Clarke

I want to read to her when she’s tired, whisper stories into her hair when she’s scared

I want to hold her hand, and I want to make her laugh, and I want to take her on drives that never have to end, because they’re perfect

I want to make her feel like the sun, moon, stars, and sea

I want to love her


	330. Chapter 330

Anya woke me up and when I asked

_ What time is it? _

In sign because my head was sore and my eyes were scratchy and the lights from the bathroom were too bright, and her smile was too sharp, she smiled even wider and said

“Ass o’clock”

Which wasn’t very helpful, because that’s usually what she says before she enacts what Mama calls a 

“Badly thought out, nonsensical plan that is frankly an embarrassment, and how dare you drag your sister with you?!”

And because it was 

“Ass o’clock”

Her voice was low and rough, and whilst I like her voice like that because it means if my head is resting on her shoulder it will vibrate through her body into mine, and that is a pleasant feeling, I don’t particularly like my sleep being interrupted because it means that my entire day is thrown out and nothing is in the right place, and the cars are too loud, and my music isn’t right and Red-Jacket-Raven has been using my soap and Postage Stamp has eaten the cereal and/or the carpet

And I must have been taking too long to move, because she sighed, and sat down on the end of my bed, hovering a hand above my legs for a longish time (37 seconds) before gently rubbing up and down my shins through the blankets

“Let’s go on an adventure.”

_ I don’t want to. I want to sleep.  _

“You’ll like this adventure.”

_ Adventures can happen after I’ve had coffee with Colleen _

“This one can’t.”

_ What is it? _

“A surprise.”

_ I don’t like surprises. _

Anya sighed again, and ran her free hand through her hair, making it stick up in funny directions, and that’s when I finally understood why she looked skinnier than usual, and it was because she wasn’t wearing pants, and instead of a shirt, she was wearing a sports bra, which meant her clothes weren’t making her look bigger than her body is, because as you once said

“Your sister is built like a whiplash, in both mind and body”

Which means that her clothes never fit properly, they’re either too wide, or too short, and because it’s frowned upon to go to work with your stomach showing, all of her clothes are too wide

And because she usually wears at least a shirt over her underwear to bed, I asked

_ Where are your clothes? _

And instead of answering she said

“We can take Raven’s car, and I’ll tell Raven to tell Ahmed to tell Colleen that you will be two hours and forty six minutes late for coffee.”

_ Where are your clothes? _

“I’ll even pay for the surprise, and I’ll buy you hot chocolate”

I smacked her arm because she wasn’t answering my question, and asked again

_ Where are your clothes? _

And she said

“Lexa! Ow! It’s too hot for clothes, but I’ll put some on when we go out!”

_ Not the right time. _

“What?”

_ Two hours and forty six minutes is equal to one hundred and sixty six minutes and that’s not a prime number.  _

“One hundred and sixty seven minutes if you get up right now.”

_ You pay, we take Raven’s car, Raven tells Ahmed to tell Colleen that I will be one hundred and seventy nine minutes late, you come with me to meet her, leaving time for ten minutes of cuddles and two minutes for you to look for your clothes because you slept on the couch last night _

Anya considered it, and then nodded, holding out her hand to confirm the deal, just like we always do after any sort of negotiation

I took her arm by the wrist, and she leaned forwards, and I leaned forwards until our heads bumped, and then she stood up and flapped her hands at me in a way that I think says

“Move over”

So I did, and she climbed into my bed, and I slept for an extra ten minutes whilst she played with my hair, and she was warm, and smelled familiar, and it was nice

At ten minutes past ass o’clock, she woke me up, and I got ready whilst she looked for her clothes, and we used the extra two minutes to try reassure Postage Stamp that we were not leaving him forever, but eventually we gave up and decided to bring him with us

We drove for a while, but that was okay, because I like car trips, and I got to sleep a little bit more, and when I woke up, Anya pulled over for hot chocolate, and then also a toasted sandwich each because she forgot that humans need food

And Costia, I know Anya and I don’t get along sometimes, and sometimes I think she’s an idiot, and sometimes her constant fidgeting and impulsive behaviour and 

“sexcapades”

with Raven get on my nerves and make me angry or upset, and sometimes we get into proper fights and someone ends up hurt, but sometimes Cos…

Sometimes she wakes me up at ass o’clock and drives me to a the biggest flower shop she could find, and waves her wallet at me and says

“Three. One for Costia, one for me because I have an angry girlfriend and you’re good with this shit.”

And because I was holding Postage Stamp’s leash, I couldn’t sign so I had to ask out loud, but it wasn’t bad because I had Postage Stamp, and it was to Anya, and there was no one else around, on account of it being early

“And the third?”

Anya stopped watching a bee and looked at me again, with her eyebrows crunched

“What?”

“You said three.”

“Oh. The third is for Clarke, because your heart eyes are driving me crazy.”

I growled at her like Postage Stamp, and Postage Stamp growled too, and she just smiled again, but it wasn’t the

“Drunk Anya is happy”

smile, it was the

“Why does your sister look like she just took your Ma’s car for a spin?”

Smile, and then she walked away to...do whatever Anya does when she’s giving me space, but not too much space in case something happens, which means that she was skulking around in the row next to me

I chose her flowers for Raven first, making it say _love_ and _sorry_ and _loyal_ and then because it’s Anya and Raven, also _desire_ , and I made sure it also had lots of red in it because Red-Jacket-Raven

Secondly, I chose flowers for Clarke, so that Anya would stop teasing me in sign language as she followed me up and down each row

Roses...weren’t right

I didn’t want to only give Clarke roses because honestly Costia, roses are vain

They are expensive and difficult to grow for no reason

They fuss over dry soil, wet soil, acidic soil, basic soil, they taste awful, and thorns are spiky

So for Clarke, I limited the roses

I made the flowers say the things I am too afraid to say out loud in case the wind takes my words and twists them into something ugly, before blowing them away like they never existed

Like smoke

_ Sincerity, smiles, protection, peace, gentle passion _

The flowers once arranged, gentle, in every way that Raven and Anya’s wasn’t there were no bright colours, or sharp edges, or blunt words, instead of sharp reds and purples, Clarke’s had whites and oranges, and there were three roses, white, peach, light pink

I want her to understand that I’m not going to make her do anything, that I’m

“Offering an olive branch”

Of sorts, although we're not at war, so it’s not an entirely accurate expression

For you Cos, I chose everything. I have so much to say to you, so many words that I can’t make work, so maybe the flowers will do it for me

Your flowers are soft, but not only light, because you taught me that things can be beautiful when they’re dark, and so there are whites and blues and pinks and purples, and I know you understand what these colours mean, because you are an artist, but I am not an artist, so I hope you understand what the flowers mean

Azaleas, and Hyacinth, and Cyclamen, and Stephanotis, and Fresia, and Camellia, and the whole time whilst I was choosing, I could pretend to hear you next to me those times you would take me to the flower shop and you would bring my notebooks, and everytime I chose a flower, you had to tell me its name, and I had to tell you its meaning, and Costia…

I nearly cried

Sometimes I forget how much I miss you

It’s a constant pain in my head, my chest, on Bad Days, my everywhere 

Because you were my routine, you were my planners, you were my words, my sight, my ears, and when I couldn’t walk because things were too much, you were there to carry me

But now you’re dead

And so as one of the final flowers Cos, I chose Sweet Pea

Sweet Pea means many things Cos, it always was your favourite, and sometimes the messages you left me in the vases were confusing because it has so many meanings, and Cos, with these flowers, I meant every one

_ Pleasure _ because that’s what you brought me. You were always so gentle, hands so soft, lips so warm. You introduced me to this strange concept, and for that Cos, I give you these flowers.

_ Thank you _ for showing me all the things you did, metaphors, and how to use my words, and what love is, and how to show it, for explaining things over and over again when I didn’t understand them, for holding my hand even when it meant that people called you names at home, for not leaving me when I was being difficult, and for not pushing when I said no

_ Thoughtfulness _ because everything you did was thoughtful, you would check both ways before you crossed a street, you gave money to the homeless man in the Subway, and you brought him hot chocolate in winter and you played sports with kids in the park, and you showed me how everyone is different, and taught me how to be thoughtful too

_ Goodbye _ because I wasn’t allowed to see you, I didn’t get to hear your laugh, or the soft sounds of your breathing before you were gone, I didn’t go to your funeral, and Anya wouldn’t let me identify your body. 

Goodbye because I haven’t been able to say it to you before now

Goodbye Cos, I still love you

Goodbye Cos, I know you’re not angry with me


	331. Chapter 331

Cos, I finally understand the meaning of 

“Butterflies fluttering in my tummy”

Because it really does feel like there are butterflies in my tummy, swirling around and around like a school of damned sardines

Both of those are similes, because there are no butterflies, and no sardines in my tummy

I’m sitting with Anya in Raven’s car, and Clarke’s flowers are tickling my nose, and I’m wearing pants that Raven says

“Makes your legs look miles longer than they already are”

And I’d really rather be wearing Joe’s old army pants or my pants which are like Joe’s army pants, but I want to impress her

I want to impress Clarke

I have to go, Anya’s getting irritated

Wish me luck


	332. Chapter 332

I did it Cos!

I waited until Octavia sent me a message, and then I caught a train with Anya, and I walked up all the stairs to Clarke’s apartment, and when I got there, Anya was leaning against the wall because she’d taken the elevator because she’s a lazy ass

She smiled at me, pulled my hair and said

“Clarke loves your eyes. Try make a little eye contact.”

Which is a very not-Anya thing to say, because she never forces me to make eye contact, which means that she might have actually been trying to help

So I listened

I knocked on Clarke’s door, once, twice,  _ oncetwicethrice _ like I always do

I waited,  _ one, two, three _ thud _ one two  _ locks _ one two  _ Clarke

She stood in the doorway, and for a moment I forgot what my own name was because…

Clarke

Clarke in a soft looking grey shirt with her hair flying around her face, shining golden because it’d escaped her hair tie, and her jeans were splattered with paint, and she was wearing odd socks, and she was smiling softly, and rocking on her toes a little, and then she lifted her hands and offered me a hug 

I stepped forwards, and hugged her tightly, but I was careful not to squish Clarke, or the flowers and she whispered in my ear

“Do you want to come inside?”

And I nodded because Clarke’s neighbours like to watch the hallway through the peepholes on their doors and I know this because one time Raven got irritated and spray painted over all the peepholes and got Clarke into trouble

So I went inside and I had rehearsed my little part to say with Raven at least seventy six times, but of course, I completely forgot it when I actually had to say it, so all I managed to say was

“Flowers.”

To which Clarke smiled even wider and said 

“I can see that. I also see a piece of wood. Is that supposed to be there?”

I nodded and said

“It’s for you.”

And she carefully removed the small square of sea smoothed and salt bleached wood that I begged from Tomac before putting the flowers in water

Then she looked a little confused, because all that was on the piece of wood was the word  _ stars _ which I had burnt on using Raven’s tools

“Lex, I’m not understanding this.” she said slowly, and I felt a little bad, because I’d forgotten what I was supposed to tell her, which is why she didn’t understand

“I’m bad with words.” 

I said softly

“I’m bad with words, but only when I speak. So instead of speaking the whole time, I chose to write, because I have things to say to you that mustn’t be said badly.”

I took a deep breath, and twisted a hair elastic around my wrist three times, before looking up, and making eye contact, which was not as difficult as it usually is

With Clarke, eye contact isn’t bad, it’s just unusual

Her eyes are blue, and beautiful, and I don’t have to guess what she’s thinking or feeling, and somehow I know that she isn’t going to guess wrong what I’m thinking or feeling, and her eyes are very nice to look at 

I continued to speak

“I can say some things, but other things are difficult. I can say you’re beautiful, and it will be a fact. But it’s difficult to tell you that I think you’re beautiful because the stars come down and lie in your hair, and your eyes reflect their light and your laugh makes flowers bloom and sometimes I forget that these things are metaphors because you are so very beautiful.”

I looked down, because I needed to blink, and also because eye contact is still scary, and Clarke gently touched my arm and in a very soft, very rough, very...perfect voice that send shivers down my back she said

“Lex…”

But I wasn’t finished, so I put my hand over hers on my arm to keep it there because her hands are soft and warm and I asked

“Will you allow me to take you on a date? Please? I asked Aden, and he said that he’s okay with it, and I-”

But I never got to finish, because she kissed me so, so softly, it was almost like a tiny butterfly, an Adonis Blue ( _ Polyommatus bellargus _ ) had landed on my mouth for a splinter of time

“Gods Lex, yes. Yes.” 

Clarke said so softly it was almost a breath

She kissed me again, both hands sliding up my arms to rest on either side of my face, and I smiled so widely that she started giggling softly which meant that I finally got to finish speaking because she was too busy laughing to distract me

“Friday? At six?”

And she kissed me again and I guessed that that meant yes, because she asked if she needed to find a place for Aden to go, and I said I’d already arranged with Octavia for him to go there if she had said yes

Raven hasn’t stopped teasing, threatening, congratulating and laughing at me since I got home two hours ago

D’you reckon I can sell her to Indra as a practice dummy?


	333. Chapter 333

After we helped at the soup kitchen, Octavia insisted that we went to get something to eat, so we went to the park and ordered food from a food truck and then sat on the grass to eat it

Tris found us, so we had to buy her some food too, and then she smiled and offered me a hug when Octavia told her that I’d asked Clarke on a date

I hugged her, because even though Tris can be a little scary, she’s always very kind

Octavia asked her how Athena was doing, and Tris blushed a little, and said that Athena was really busy with schoolwork, and that she’s proud of how well Athena is doing in school

When I got home, I curled up on the couch to see what was on TV, and Raven appeared out of literally nowhere, and asked if I wanted to watch

“Unsolved”

With her, and because she looked utterly pathetic, I agreed

Halfway through the second episode of this “Unsolved” thing, she somehow jumped from her end of the couch to my end of the couch, and she hasn’t let go of my arm since then

“Shit’s real Lexa, and one day, Anya’s going to get herself eaten.”

I’m not entirely sure what to do, because I need to speak to Lincoln, and Raven’s not letting me go, and I don’t want to make her walk all the way to the gym and back with me, on account of her leg being

“Stiffer than my PO’s ass.”


	334. Chapter 334

Anya came home, and Raven managed to leap over the back of the couch, and over the kitchen counter, and into Anya’s arms pointing towards the theory that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her leg and that she’s just a lazy ass

But I’ve seen her on bad days, and I’ve seen the scars up and down her thigh, and I know that Raven isn’t really a lazy ass all the time, and so I’m going with the theory that she really really likes Anya

I’m not sure why, because Anya just put her down in the kitchen sink and they’re now yelling at each other in Spanish, and I’m going to take this opportunity to go speak to Lincoln about Friday


	335. Chapter 335

Octavia wouldn’t stop asking me to tell her what Clarke and I are doing this evening so I told her and now she won’t stop mumbling to herself and I’m slightly nervous because I’ve never seen her behave like this

I picked Aden up from school, and let him sit on my shoulders all the way to the park, and then I bought him an ice cream and gave him a message to pass on to Clarke before I dropped him off with Octavia again

I hope I remembered everything

I think I’m nervous

But I’m also excited

I don’t know Cos

The butterfly-fish are back and they’re making me feel slightly dizzy

I hope Anya’s on her way home


	336. Chapter 336

Anya was just about ready to fall asleep in the doorway when she got home, and refused to be helpful until I’d made her a cup of coffee

I brought it to her while she was getting changed and as usual, she had no concept of how doors work, and so she was slouching around in her undies trying to locate a shirt that I’d stolen from her two weeks ago

She had bruises all over her back and sides and arms, which isn’t unusual for Anya because she gets into a lot of fights because she’s training in martial arts

So I made her take a bath and spoke to her whilst she was partially submerged because for some reason she’s always a lot nicer when she’s in water

She told me that Clarke would love the date, and that I must check with Raven, but she’s pretty sure that Clarke loves giant pretzels, so if I gave one to Clarke she’d

“Do literally anything you wanted her to do. She’ll also keep coming back like a stray dog, so you’d better have a good supplier.”

So I splashed her a little for calling Clarke a dog and then I asked her to get out the bath so that I could take a shower

Raven insisted that I tell her where I’m taking Clarke, and what my intentions are with her, so I told her

“I’m taking Clarke just outside the city to the Trikru monument, and I intend to do everything that I can to make her happy.”

And then Raven said

“And what if you can’t make her happy?”

So I thought about it and said

“Then I will do my best to make sure that she finds someone who can.”

And Raven pulled a face that either means “impressed” or “I just heard something very weird” before saying

“You know she isn’t a broken thing that you can magically try to fix?”

Anya made an angry cat-noise and rolled off the couch with a thump, slouching her way to where we were standing

That angry cat-noise usually means that Anya’s about to clobber someone with whatever is in arm's reach, but Anya would never clobber Raven

Or at least I don’t think she would

It’s Anya

Before she could clobber, or not clobber Raven, I said

“People don’t break. Arms and tables break. People change.”

And that seemed to make Raven happy enough to let me use her car because I don’t have one, and Anya’s has been missing for a while and I’m not entirely sure why

It also made her happy enough to shove the brown paper bag that she had been trying to hide behind her back for the entire conversation and she smiled when I saw it contained two giant pretzels

“Clarke loves those. Anya said something about a picnic.”

I thanked her, and carefully packed the pretzels in their brown paper bag into the bag with all the other food

It’s nearly time to go and the butterfly-fish are still swirling in my tummy, but I think it’s going to go okay

I hope Clarke has fun

I hope this makes her happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry that this is late, and it's not even the date itself
> 
> Also I know I changed the name a while ago, and I was wondering if you wonderful people are okay with that?  
> This ended up being much longer than I thought it was going to be, going from two measly sentences to nearly 200 pages, so I've decided to make it a series instead of a very long work with no chapter titles
> 
> Let me know what you think (about the name change, or about anything else that you deem interesting)


	337. Chapter 337

My hands were shaking as I reached out to knock at the door, and that wasn’t right, so I walked all the way back down the stairs, and back up again, and then my hands weren’t shaking, so I could knock

_ Once twice, oncetwicethrice _

There was a soft murmur of voices, several loud thumps, and I barely saw the gold of Clarke’s hair before Aden slammed into my legs knocking me backwards slightly

He giggled when I picked him up and hugged him close, and buried his head under my chin

It was worth the elbow to the ear to see the soft smile on Clarke’s face

“Hi.” She said quietly, moving her hair behind her ear on the left side, “Aden told me I had to dress warmly and comfortably, but I wasn’t sure how warm. Is this fine?”

She held out her hands to her sides and spun in a little circle

She was wearing a paint-free pair of sweatpants and my shirt, the sleeves folding slightly over her hands and that distracted me

Then I remembered that I needed to greet her, and I’d forgotten, and I swore inside my head

“Hi.”

Her smile grew bigger, teeth flashing briefly

“Hi.” She echoed

“Stop canoodling in the corridor and get out of here already!”

Octavia’s voice came from somewhere inside the apartment, and it sounded very much like a  _ snarky _ kind of tone, but I couldn’t be sure because I couldn’t see her

Clarke didn’t miss a beat, and picked up one of Aden’s little wellington boots by the door and threw it somewhere in the apartment where it hit something that made the same noise that Octavia makes when Indra cuffs her over the head

“Am I dressed warm enough for wherever we’re going?” Clarke asked again

“I’m wearing tights under my sweatpants, and a thermal shirt under my hoodie.” I told her, “Are you wearing something similar?”

Her eyes flickered from my face to my feet and back up again, and then she blushed for a moment before saying “yes”

I put Aden down, telling him to

_ Go to Fight-O _

And he ran inside

And then I stepped slightly closer to Clarke, making sure that I held eye contact for a few seconds before taking off the purple hat that Aden had dropped in the snow nearly two years ago

She ducked her head slightly as I gently pulled it on over her hair

Her hair is so soft

She also had a small patch of green paint behind her right ear which she’d missed

I didn’t step back when she lifted her head

She’s slightly shorter than me so when I kissed her, she rose slightly onto her toes and that…

That made the butterfly-fish fly away

I heard Aden’s feet running over the floor and stepped away as he appeared by the door

In his small hands, he held a floppy grey hat, and one of Clarke’s hoodies

I knelt when he pulled impatiently at my sleeve and he carefully put the grey hat on my head

Clarke hugged him tight and kissed his head and said goodbye, sending him back into the apartment with a smile

She then proceeded to get lost in the hoodie and I had to help her find the correct place to put her arms because Aden had turned the sleeves inside out and when her head finally appeared through the hood, her hair was curling over her ears and eyes and she pouted and I couldn’t  _ not _ kiss her nose when she wrinkled it like that

“Well that was graceful” she mumbled and her face was bright red

“I think you’re beautiful.” I told her

She smiled and then I added

“Even though your hair looks like Steve went through a car wash.”

And then she punched me gently in the arm, and because it was a joke she laughed at it, and that made me laugh too

I got nervous in the car, and forgot to turn the radio on, and Clarke kept quiet and stared out the window, and normally that’s fine but I was nervous and she looked so pretty that it distracted me while I was trying to drive because I kept trying to watch her, so I pulled over and asked if she would mind if I played music

She said that she didn’t mind if I played music, so I hit play on my phone and hoped it wouldn’t be on one of the Broadway songs because there was a bus coming up behind me and I didn’t want to be stuck behind it because I wasted time picking a song

It wasn’t a Broadway song so I breathed out a little because I wasn’t sure how Clarke would react if one of those started playing

Clarke was silent for a few songs and I started getting distracted again, trying to make sure that she was okay, even though every time I checked, she was looking out the window, blue eyes startlingly bright against the blazing orange of the sunset

And that was when Lorde started playing and Clarke started singing softly and it was so perfect that I nearly almost rolled slowly over a stop street, but managed to jam my foot down hard enough at the last possible second for the car to stop completely

And then when we started the ascent up the side of the mountain Clarke stopped singing under her breath and just sang and her voice was so hauntingly beautiful as the trees flashed past my window painted golden in the evening light that the hairs on my arms stood up and I started rocking 

“May I ask why you’ve taken me to the middle of nowhere?” She asked as she climbed out the car, but she was smiling softly as she said it so I knew she wasn’t being horrible

“I wanted you to feel special. Also, the nearest hospital is only twenty minutes away, although there is a helipad near the tourist center if there is an emergency.”

“Are you telling me this because there is a high chance of injury?”

“No.”

“Alrighty then. Where are we going?”

I took her hand and it was soft and warm and I forgot how to walk for a few moments, but I remembered after that, so it was okay, and I led her through the trees, carrying my backpack over one shoulder

She giggled softly when a low hanging branch snagged my hat and when I pulled a face at her, she put her hat on my head and retrieved my grey hat from the tree and pulled it on over her hair

And once again, we had swapped hats

Costia she’s so…

So…

So  _ Clarke _

When I showed her the tent, filled with pillows and blankets (I couldn’t find furs on such short notice) she gasped and dropped her handbag on the ground to creep over to the edge of the cliff 

“Please don’t fall” I said, because I didn’t want her to get hurt but I also didn’t want to have to scramble down the slippery

She didn’t seem to hear me, so I retrieved her handbag and put it and the backpack down in the tent so that they wouldn’t get lost because I wanted to see if what Raven said was true about the pretzels 

Just as I was turning around to make sure that she hadn’t fallen and hit her head and been knocked unconscious, a soft hand wrapped around my arm

The sun had gone down, but somehow it’s light still reflected in her hair, as if she had tiny filaments instead of strands of keratin

It turns out Raven was right about the pretzels

Raven might actually be right about lots of things

But not peas

I showed Clarke all the constellations I could remember when the stars came out

And she showed me all the stars her dad had shown her when she was young

And Cos when she fell asleep against my shoulder

It felt like one of the stars was wrapped up in the blankets next

And her skin didn’t burn me

Her one hand rested on my chest, and I didn’t want to move it

Her breath tickled my neck, and I didn’t want her to move away

Her legs were warm against mine and I didn’t feel like I was trapped

I liked the way that her hair fell a little into her face and fluttered when she breathed out, and I liked the way that she was so warm against me and I liked the way that she made me feel…

She made me happy

She made me feel special to be me

When I broke my pretzel into seven pieces, she didn’t laugh at me, or watch me like I was crazy, or ask me why I did it, but she removed her pretzel from her mouth and did the same thing

And when I laid my half of the carrot disks out in size order, she didn’t question it or move some of the middle ones around when I wasn’t looking, but she made a little tower out of hers (from biggest to smallest) and pronounced it Carrot Tower and said that it would never fall, and when I flicked it over, she (for lack of a better word)  _ devoured _ it before proclaiming it “demolished”

And when I opened my eyes to see the stars wheeling in the early morning stages, I wasn’t scared that I’d missed watching the evening bus which meant that I had to have a cold shower

I fetched her boots and my boots and carried the bags to the car before waking her up enough to ask if I could carry her, and then when she lazily hopped onto my back, I carried her to the car

She fell asleep in the car on the way back to her apartment, but that was okay because she wasn’t driving

Her doorman knows me by now, so when I ran up the stairs and fiddled with the door to try get it to stay open, he walked over to me and held it open so I could carry her up to her apartment

And so what if I couldn’t actually get the door open and had to kick it until Octavia slouched to the door with her hair tangled around her face like some kind of coniferous tree

And so what if I left Raven’s car safely parked in Echo’s old parking bay because I needed to run

And so what if I woke up Anya (who was half naked) and Raven (who was more than half naked) because I needed to go to the beach because the sun was going to rise and we needed to see it

And so what if Raven made me run all the way back to Clarke’s to fetch the car and then Anya fell asleep while I was trying to talk to her

And so what if Raven wouldn’t let me drive because I kept flapping

And so what if I never actually got to see the sunrise because I fell asleep on Anya before we even got to the beach

I took Clarke on a date Cos

And she kissed me

And I kissed her

And we watched the stars

And Anya tripped over Postage Stamp when she tried to carry me to bed and ended up tossing me

And I honestly don’t care that much about the headache that I have because of that

Or about the fact that we’re now in the emergency room because my head is also bleeding because she managed to toss me into the coffee table

I took Clarke on a date

And she said she had fun


	338. Chapter 338

Costia, today was meant to be a Bad Day, because Clarke got an emergency call from the hospital, which means I couldn't see her to ask if she slept okay, and Wolfie ate my cereal, and Postage Stamp ate one of Raven’s shoes which means that we can no longer keep our shoes by the front door, and my head really really hurt because I had six stitches hidden in my hair, because Anya threw me into a coffee table

But today turned out to be a Good Day, and this is why

I woke up because Aden had crawled into my bed and was touching my hair, and although I don’t like people touching me, I do like Aden because he smells like grass and bubblebath, and sunshine, chocolate and  _ happiness _ because he is too young to know about horrible things

He said

_ Breakfast is nearly ready, would you like some? _

And I said

_ Yes. Would you like some breakfast? _

And he giggled and said

_ I want second breakfast! _

With such enthusiasm that he nearly fell out of the bed so I had to grab him and hold him close

The sudden movement made me feel a little bit sick, but I wanted Aden to feel happy, so I carried him to the kitchen and then I felt really sick so I had to run to the bathroom, which again, should have made today a Bad Day, but then Aden came back carrying a plastic cup filled with water, and he gently patted me on the back and he asked

_ Are you okay Quiet-L? Must I call Mommy? Must I call Auntie-R-Bird? _

And I shook my head and rinsed my mouth out with water from the plastic cup, and then used some of Anya’s mouthwash to make the taste go away and said

_ What’s second breakfast? _

And he just smiled really big, and dragged me to the kitchen, where Raven had made pancakes and bacon and eggs and she’d put Nutella and syrup and coffee out on the table

And that’s when I knew it was a Baking Day

And Baking Days are never Bad Days, because Raven is very, very, very good at baking, and so on Baking Days the apartment smells yummy and there’s always something to eat, and Postage Stamp is usually not underfoot because he’s sleeping off a 

“Food coma”

According to Raven

I helped Aden dish up second breakfast, which is just like normal breakfast, except it happens after first breakfast, which Clarke had already fed to him

I didn’t let him have coffee though

Coffee is bad for small children

Today was meant to be a Bad Day, because I was sick, Clarke wasn’t around, Anya went to gym and then 

“Fucked right off to bumblefuck Egypt”

And despite needing his hands to talk, Aden kept on holding onto my arms or legs or hair and finally Raven suggested he take Postage Stamp for a walk

While Aden was looking for the leash, Raven asked if I was okay because I’d been

“Washing your hands with no damn soap and grinding your teeth loud enough to hear from here.”

But today was a Good Day because Aden makes me happy and it was Baking Day, and Postage Stamp behaved for once, and Raven did that thing where she contains her personality in her own space instead of filling the apartment with Ravenness, and then we had lasagne for supper, and Anya came in smelling like she’d showered with hotel soap and picked Raven up and danced with her around the counter, before picking up Aden and doing the same

I didn’t let her pick me up because last time she did that, she threw me into a coffee table, but we did a weird waltz step around the counter, and then she pulled my hair and demanded that Raven feed her too

We ate far too much lasagne, and then even more of Raven’s baking, and Aden fell asleep against my shoulder whilst we watched Lilo and Stitch, and when I carried him to my bed, he touched my hand and asked me to stay, so I did

Today was also a good day because I woke up to find Clarke standing in the doorway, holding her shoes loosely in her right hand

Her hair was tied up in a loose bun, still slightly damp from a shower and curling over her ears

She smiled, so I smiled back and slid out of bed to give her a hug, and when she placed a soft kiss on my cheek tingles shot up from my feet to my elbows

I dished up a plate of lasagne for her, and a plate of Raven’s baking, and once she had finished eating, I washed the two plates

We sat at the kitchen counter for a little, and then she sighed and said

“I guess I should get going. Where are Aden’s shoes?”

And I did a very Anya thing

I didn’t think before I acted, and the words came out my mouth without permission

I reached across the table and touched her hands, and locked eyes with her and then softly, softly, I said

“Stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahahaha weekly updates  
> Yeah, no, I'm really, really sorry  
> I have no real heartfelt excuse other than I'm very small and the world is very big, and sometimes that realisation just sort of squishes me
> 
> Thank you for being so supportive, and to those of you who leave comments (especially the people who are regulars) you really do make me smile  
> How are all of you doing?  
> What are your thoughts?  
> What interesting things can you tell me?


	339. Chapter 339

Today I found out where Anya has been going and why she’s been covered in bruises and why she’s been coming home late and why Raven has been home so much and why Wolfie has been strangely absent at suppertime and I also found out that my birthday is soon

Not that I don’t know when my birthday is I just stopped...noticing it

Anyway, my birthday is the least of what I found out because I didn’t really find out about it, I was just reminded about it

Today Anya stuck her head around the bathroom door, ignoring that it was closed because I was taking a shower and asked if I was busy

So I told her that I was in fact busy, because (as she could see) I was in the shower

Then she made a grumbly Anya noise and pulled her head back around the bathroom door, closing it behind her which is about the only thing she’s ever learnt about doors, because she always opens closed door without knocking, never closes the door when she’s changing, and often forgets that shaking a locked door won’t open it

She ambushed me directly outside the bathroom door, and I got a fright and accidentally punched her in the throat

Not really accidentally, because I did mean to hit her because I got a fright, but I didn’t mean to hit  _ Anya _

Anyways, once she’d finished spluttering and swearing, she thanked me for staring blankly at her whilst she

“Fucken died of asphyxiation” 

And then asked if she could talk to me after I’ve had coffee with Colleen, which isn’t really like Anya because  _ planning _ isn’t really something she does frequently, but I said

“You weren’t dying, and only if we get ice cream”

Because Mama says that you’re supposed to be nice to people if you’ve hit them

Colleen and I walked along the beach with our coffee, and it was nice, like it usually is

Colleen doesn’t expect anything from me, we just buy coffee (I pay because I invited her first) and then we sit inside and watch people, or we walk along the beach, or boardwalk, or we sit at the edge of the pier and watch the waves

Sometimes she talks to me, but she doesn’t expect me to reply, she just talks

Today she was talking about seals, and what they eat and where they live

Colleen learns about sea creatures for fun, and sometimes Tomac gets her a place on his boat

I like sea creatures, so I don’t mind when Colleen talks about them 

But she went quiet halfway through a sentence, and I turned to see if she was okay, because she doesn’t usually forget what she is speaking about

She was watching the sea very closely, and I gently touched the back of her hand to get her attention 

Before I could even say anything she asked

“How is Clarke?”

Which was weird because we don’t normally talk about things like people, but I said

“She was okay when she left yesterday, and she sent me a text this morning.”

And then Colleen asked why she was at my apartment on a Monday morning so I told her that I asked Clarke to stay because it was late when she came to fetch Aden and I didn’t want her travelling when she was tired, and I didn’t tell Colleen it was also because I wanted her to stay because she makes me happy and I enjoyed sitting with her on the couch until she fell asleep and then when I carried her to my bed my heart did a strange jump in my chest because she curled herself around Aden like he was a precious thing to be protected, and when I fell asleep on the couch I didn’t have nightmares because I knew Clarke and Aden were safe

Colleen nodded slightly to herself and then asked about Mama, and I said

“She was fine when I last saw her. Anya speaks to her more than me, you should ask her.”

It was only when I was walking through the park on the way home that I started to think that Colleen might be lonely

I don’t know much about her other than she used to be married to a not-very-nice-man but she isn’t married to him anymore, and that she likes sea creatures 

I wonder why she’s lonely

Anya distracted me from thinking about it too much because she was waving a wet cloth around the kitchen and trying to get rid of the black smoke rising from a burnt cake tin

I asked her what the bloody hell she was doing and she said 

“Baking”

But I don’t think she was  _ baking _ so much as  _ burning _ but I didn’t say anything because Anya gets irritable when I point out the things she can’t do so well so Mama always told me to try not to point out people’s failures

Anya eventually gave up on her piece of charcoal, and threw the entire thing (tin and all) into the bin

I’m glad she didn’t make me try eat it because I don’t think it was on it Edible Spectrum anymore

She grumbled to herself a little, and I kept standing in the middle of the living room like an idiot because she said she wanted to talk when I got back from coffee with Colleen, but I wasn’t sure when she actually meant

Eventually she flapped one hand towards a kitchen stool and said 

“Sit. You look like a twerp.”

Before scavenging the cupboard for a bag of nacho chips and flopping down in the stool across from me

She started off by saying

“Lexa, you know you’re my sister and I love you very much”

To which I told her

_ Yes. I do know that. _

“And I know that sometimes you don’t like me very much because I make fun of you, and shout.”

Which wasn’t true, because I always  _ like _ Anya because she’s my sister and she always tries her best to make me feel safe, but I kept quiet because she wasn’t finished

“But you understand that I would never,  _ ever _ try to get rid of you, or change you, right?”

And I nodded because I did understand even though she was confusing me because Anya isn’t usually... _ mushy _ about things

“Your birthday is soon.”

That was news to me, so I blinked a few times, and spun the chip bag twice, and then nodded after working out when exactly my birthday was

“Which means the court order is over, and you’re allowed to live somewhere else again.”

I said 

“Yes.”

And then Anya reached over and picked up my hands, stopping me from spinning the packet of nachos around the table

She put my hands together like I was clapping and held them there, and her fingers were warm and rough

“Raven and I...we want to… We’ve been talking about asking Wolfie to live with us.”

And that made very little sense because Wolfie already lives downstairs, so I asked 

“Why?”

And Anya looked at me for a longish time that made my skin itch a little so I started bouncing my foot against the crossbar

“Wolfie’s father is a drug dealer, and a bad man. He was arrested, so Wolfie was expected to continue his work, but she doesn’t want to. Remember the day when Raven got upset with her?”

I nodded and watched an ant crawl over the counter

“That’s when we found out. She’s miserable Lexa, she can’t go to school, she can’t go home, all she has is the damn cat. Raven and I want to ask her to live with us because Raven grew up in a similar situation to her, and she wants to give Wolfie the same chance that she got when she was younger.”

I thought for a few seconds before asking if Raven’s father was a drug dealer too, and Anya smiled a bit and said

“No, not exactly. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“You want to ask Wolfie to live with you because you want her to have a better chance, I’m not stupid Anya.”

“I know you’re not stupid Lexa, but what I’m asking you is would you be okay with Wolfie moving in with me and Raven?”

And Anya was missing an important detail, as usual, so I said

“But Anya, there are only two rooms in this apartment.”

And Anya pulled a face, which made me realise she  _ hadn’t _ been missing that detail

“You want me to move out once the court order is up so that Wolfie can move in?”

“In short, yes. But I’m not getting rid of you Lex, I want you to stay close, I don’t want to not see you around.”

I ignored her use of the double negative and pulled at my hands so she would let go, because I needed to think and I couldn’t when she was holding my hands

“Lexa? I need you to talk to me here.”

“Is this why you haven’t been home?”

Anya nodded, and crunched obnoxiously on a nacho

I don’t like change

It’s a problem sometimes

I didn’t like moving into Raven’s apartment, and now I don’t want to leave

I didn’t like it when Anya moved in with me because I’d gotten used to living alone, but now I don’t want to move out because I’ve gotten used to living with Anya and Raven 

I know the apartment downstairs is technically mine, but it’s different to this one

And I don’t know if I’ll like it because it’s on the second floor, not the third

So today I found out that I’m turning 25, which is 4 years older than you’ll ever be, and that I’m supposed to move out of Raven’s apartment because that will make Anya and Raven and Wolfie happy, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel

Dr. Fowler once tried to show me how to express my feelings with a colour, angry is red, happy is yellow, blue is calm

But how can I point at a colour when I don’t know what the feeling is?

Feelings aren’t always this colour or that, because when I’m with Clarke the closest colour I can get to is a soft grey blue pink purple green colour which doesn’t exist on the chart because it’s not real

When I think about moving out I get…

No colours

I don’t know how to express this one Cos

I want to move out to make everyone happy and to give Wolfie a chance because my father was also a bad man, and if Anya and I hadn’t gotten on the boat, and come here, and if Mama hadn’t adopted up, we might not have what we have now and I know this all

But Costia, this is my  _ home _ now

Everything I do is centralised around this stupid apartment on the third floor

Everyone I know in this city I know because of these cream walls and white ceiling

I don’t know

Costia, I need your help

I know you’re dead, and that you’ve been dead for nearly three years, but  _ I need your help _

I need you to tell me what this twisting feeling is, and why I can’t find a stupid colour to point at

I need you to be here so I can talk to you and you can re-organise my words so that I can find a solution

I need you to be here to stop my skin from itching and my teeth from grinding and the world from spinning so quickly

I need you Cos

But you’re dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wouldn't think that I'm still technically writing prelims, but eh  
> My second maths paper made me miserable so I needed a source of comfort, hence this mess of a chapter  
> Uh...yeah, hope you enjoyed


	340. Chapter 340

Today I missed my class with Indra for the first time in a year

I decided to be impulsive

Anya wasn’t very happy, or coherent when I woke her up to ask for her car keys, but she kind of grunted and pointed at her jacket on the floor before rolling onto her stomach and throwing her arm over the lump of blankets that I assumed was Raven

Her keys were in the jacket pocket, so I took them, fed Postage Stamp, got in her car and drove

I drove for four hours and then realised that I didn’t have breakfast, so I ate the bag of dried mango that Anya keeps in the car

Mama opened the door and looked kind of surprised to see me (big eyes, looked twice, opened mouth, closed mouth, opened mouth again) before saying

“Hey Leeshy. Do you want some breakfast?”

To which I nodded because some dried mango isn’t really enough, particularly when you read the expiry date and it was four years ago so you decide not to risk it

Joe wasn’t around, but that was okay, because I didn’t drive for four hours to speak to Joe

I don’t know why I decided to drive all the way to Mama’s house on a Wednesday but I think it was the right choice to make

I told Mama that I want to move out of Anya and Raven’s apartment so that they can give Wolfie a new home, but that I didn’t want to move out because I’m scared that living alone will make everything cold again, and that I like living with Anya because she’s my sister

Mama listened carefully before making two mugs of tea and pushing one across the table to me

I picked the mug up to take a sip, but she said

“No Lexa, it’s hot, wait for a few minutes.”

So I put it down again and drummed my fingers against the ceramic until the second hand had gone twice around the clock and Mama had taken a sip of her tea

Mama asked me where I wanted to stay and I told her

“I want to stay with Anya, but I want Wolfie to have a home more.”

Because I remember what it was like in the Home in the fenced off area, where the bed smelled funny and the walls were gross and the only thing in the entire world that made me feel safe was Anya, and I know Wolfie doesn’t have an Anya, she only has Smirnoff 

Then Mama asked me about finding a roommate so that we could live together in the apartment on the second floor 

I thought about it, and I said

“I don’t know”

Because I know I’m difficult to live with because I can’t shower when there’s people in the apartment (with the exception of Anya and Mama, and I guess sometimes Raven when she contains herself in her own space and I don’t feel like she’s everywhere in the apartment) and sometimes I scream in my sleep and I rub my hands together and it makes a noise, and when there’s some sounds (the NCIS theme song) I have to mimic them and I

“Drift in and out of a room like a cat do you want something?”

And there are so many people that I want to be happy, like Ahmed

Ahmed cooks really well and he’s nice when he doesn’t have to be, and he’s fun to go walking with and he has Noodle, but he’s told me multiple times that the reason he doesn’t sleep in one of the shelters is because he doesn’t like sleeping in the same place as other people, and I don’t think his religion allows him to stay in the same apartment as an unmarried woman, which is strange because I’ve never liked men, but it’s his religion and

“You don’t get to tell people what they are, and are not allowed to believe in, and no one’s allowed to do it to you. You don’t have to believe in the same thing to be respectful Lexa”

And even though Mama was talking about the time when I told Loud-Boy-Joshua that the Easter bunny wasn’t real so I would really like it if he stopped stomping on the plants in the flowerbeds looking for the Easter bunny, I think the same thing applies here

And then I thought about Colleen who sleeps in the cafe where she works, but it’s a longish walk to get to her cafe, and she’s usually the one to start baking and everything at around 6 which means she’d have to leave when it’s still dark and that’s not very safe

And Tris also needs a place to stay because I’m not really sure where she lives, all I know is that she sometimes uses Wolfie’s shower, and steals most of her clothes, but I don’t think she’d stay in the apartment if Athena wasn’t there too, and there aren’t enough rooms for both of them and me, and also Athena’s school is far away

I washed the dirty mugs and dishes while I thought and Mama wiped down the counter before saying

“And what about Clarke?”

And that wasn’t a full sentence, so I didn’t quite understand, so I told her that, and she said

“Clarke was looking for a someone to split the rent with, wasn’t she? Why don’t you stay with her?”

Why don’t I stay with Clarke?

I hadn’t really thought about it, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do Cos

We had been dating for two years and seven months before we moved in together, and you knew so much about me and that was when I didn’t have nightmares that make me scream in my sleep

What about Aden?

Clarke and I aren’t dating, but I do like her very much, and I like kissing her and I want her to be happy, but will Aden be happy with me doing all those things?

Sometimes people don’t like it when girls kiss girls and boys kiss boys, but I know Aden isn’t like that because he loves Anya and Raven and they kiss in front of him all the time and I know I asked him if I could take Clarke on a date and he said yes

But will he mind  _ me _ kissing his  _ mom _ ?

I know I didn’t like it when Joe kissed Mama when I was little and it wasn’t for any reason other than Joe was kissing  _ my _ Mama, and that wasn’t “okay” with me then

I don’t remember when it went from not-okay to okay for Joe to kiss Mama, but it took a long time

Maybe Clarke and I should be dating before I ask her something like that?

When is it okay to ask her to be my girlfriend?

I’ve known her for nearly three years, and I’ve liked her for at least two, but I knew you for more than three years before you asked me to be your girlfriend and why does this kind of thing have to be so confusing?

I want Wolfie to have Raven and Anya as her adoptive parents, just like I have Mama

I want Ahmed to not live in the alleyway anymore because it’s not his fault that he didn’t want to go back to fight in the same place where his best friend died and he can’t find work

I want Colleen to not be lonely 

I want Tris and Athena to not have to steal clothes and textbooks, or use someone else’s shower

I want to live with Anya because she… is Anya, and I guess that means I want to live with Raven too because Anya loves her so much

I want space from them sometimes because they’re slightly irritating, but not lots of space because they stop everything from getting cold

Mama reached over the table and touched my hands before saying

“I know you’ll make the right choice Lexa, but the first step is making that choice. Then you can decide what you want from there.”

Which wasn’t really that helpful, but then Joe walked in and said

“Leeshy Loo! Did you steal your sister’s car again?”

And I said

“Slow Joe, I did not steal her car, I asked her where her car keys were and she pointed at them.”

And Mama pulled a face and said

“That’s not exactly asking if you can borrow her car means Lexa.”

And I said

“What use are keys without a car?”

Because honestly sometimes Mama gets silly ideas in her head

Why would I ask for Anya’s keys if I didn’t want to borrow the car?

But it turns out Mama wasn’t alone in it, because just after Mama, Joe and I had finished eating lunch, Anya phoned and said something along the lines of

“Listen here you little shit, next time you want to borrow my car, you don’t wake me up to ask about key chains before vanishing with my keys, car, and laptop, understand? Where the fuck are you?”

Oops

Anya’s left her laptop in the boot of the car, so I can’t stay the night at Mama’s

I’ll make my choice tomorrow so that Anya and Raven can speak to Wolfie before my birthday

I’m going to try and make the same choice you would make, because you usually made good choices

If Anya doesn’t eat me for “stealing” her car


	341. Chapter 341

Anya didn’t eat me, although she hugged me very tightly which kinda hurt my ribs

Raven stuck her tongue out at me and rapped Wolfie’s knockles with a wooden spoon when she tried to eat cauliflower out of the pan

Then Raven grinned and gave Wolfie a piece of cauliflower which was rather counterintuitive

Wolfie promptly burnt her tongue, and had to spit the cauliflower back into her hand

Anya touched my shoulder and asked if I was alright

I told her I wasn’t hungry and went to bed

With the door shut and the blankets pulled up to my ears, I couldn’t hear the evening bus, which means a cold shower tomorrow, but I could still hear the three of them eating, cutlery clinking and voices low and slightly muffled

It’s everything you wanted Cos.

I’m moving out, I know that much, but the rest of it….

The rest of it can wait

I want to feel happy for Raven and Anya and Wolfie now

I know Anya hasn’t had the best life, and I know Wolfie hasn’t either, and I can guess from the scars on Raven’s arms and leg that she hasn’t either

They deserve it Cos

I know this because even though Raven and Wolfie were watching a movie, which meant that Anya could have joined them, she tapped lightly at the door to my room

_ One two one one two _

And let herself and Postage Stamp in

Postage Stamp doesn’t care about personal space, so he jumped up onto the foot of my bed and lay down on my left foot, but Anya sometimes cares, so she squinted until she could see better before holding up a plate

“I brought you food in case you got hungry.”

I wasn’t really hungry, but I was scared if I said I wasn’t hungry she’d leave, so I sat up and moved over so she could sit

She watched while I ate the first mouthful, and then refocused her attention on Postage Stamp, who was licking his foot

Raven really is good at cooking

Much better than Anya at least

She was irritating me by not sitting so I said

“Sit.”

Which she did, and then continued watching Postage Stamp, biting her bottom lip slightly, which usually means she’s thinking

I finished eating and leaned over her to  put my plate on the bedside table, because Mama hated plates on sheets

“Lexa if you’re not okay with this, it’s okay. You don’t have to be happy about it.”

I lay back down before saying

“I know”

And Anya lay down too, turning to face me like we used to sleep as children

I focused on the space between her eyebrows so she’d know I hadn’t lost interest in the conversation, before making sure I looked in her eyes as I said

“I’m moving out so Wolfie can have this room. I want Wolfie to have you and Raven as parents. Are you going to become her parents? Will you both be Mama? Won’t that be confusing?”

And I had more questions because saying it out loud made me feel happier, but Anya started laughing softly so I stopped asking because Anya is really bad at listening whilst she’s laughing

“Raven and I will legally become her parents, yes. But it’s up to Wolfie if she wants us to be her parents. Make sense?”

I nodded, “But what will she  _ call _ you if she does want you to be her parents?”

Anya stared at me for a few seconds and then replied with

“Raven always goes on about how suckish mom is, so I’m guessing she’ll go for something like Mama, or Mami.”

“And you?”

“I never thought about having children Lexa. Sometimes I didn’t even think I would even turn twenty.”

“But you are and you are about to have. What do you want to be called?”

Anya shrugged, “If Raven gets to choose Spanish, then I guess I’ll be nomon.”

And that made sense, because Raven’s first language is Spanish, and Anya’s is Trigedasleng, and I know Wolfie can speak Spanish, and English, so I guess she’ll learn Trigedasleng too

I nodded, and closed my eyes

“I’m okay with it. I’m tired. Thank you for supper. Go watch your movie.”

And she did

And it was one of those rare occasions where she forgot to close the door, but that was okay

I liked hearing her and Raven and Wolfie laughing

I think you would have made this choice too


	342. Chapter 342

I walked in on Anya and Raven telling Wolfie that they wanted to take care of her, and I was kind of glad that I hadn’t been there whilst they explained everything to her, because Wolfie isn’t the most predictable person

She screamed kind of loudly, and then started laughing and crying at the same time

It hurt my ears and I didn’t understand what that meant, so I tried to escape down the fire escape but I didn’t make it out the apartment because Wolfie tackled me backwards in what I guess was supposed to be a hug

She made my shoulder all wet with her crying, and I saw Anya’s eyes get really shiny, and Raven had tears running down her face even though she was smiling and I decided to hold onto Wolfie because I didn’t want them crying on me too

Wolfie kept saying things like

“Thank you thank you thank you”

And

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god”

And

“Move Stamp you useless mouth breather”

And then Wolfie picked up Smirnoff and danced around the apartment for a few minutes during which Anya gave me the look that says

_ Don’t even try do what you’re about to do because I will throw the nearest thing I can find at you _

She used to give me that look a lot

She used to give it to you too, come to think of it

Once Wolfie had finished dancing, she spun around and said

“You’re being serious, right? I didn’t miss April again?”

Which made no sense because how can you miss a month unless you’re in a coma, which I don’t think Wolfie’s ever been in

And Anya shook her head and said

“No, you didn’t miss April.”

And then Molly knocked on the door to see what all the screaming was about and I finally made it out the window and to Clarke’s.

But it was the middle of the day, so Clarke wasn’t there, and neither was Aden, so I jogged to Lincoln’s apartment and spent the rest of the day playing Monopoly with Lincoln and Jasper and when Octavia came home with Aden we helped her with her groceries

After stealing some cookies, Aden and I went for a walk, except it was a carry, because he didn’t want to walk back so I had to lift him onto my shoulders again

He’s heavier than he was when I first carried him like that, but that’s okay, because I’m also stronger than I was back then

We made it back to Lincoln and Octavia’s apartment just fine and when I turned around after closing the door, I heard a voice say

“Hey.”

And that voice made goosebumps run up and down my arms because that voice belonged to Clarke and Clarke makes me slightly nervous but also very happy at the same time

And I managed to say

“Hello.”

Without my voice squeaking, and that was when Weedy-Kid-Lincoln tried to grab Aden but I got a fright and somehow snatched Aden off my shoulders, and backed up  _ into Clarke _ before realising that it was only Lincoln

But it ended up okay because Clarke gently wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed my cheek (which didn’t help me keep my balance in any way) before holding out her arms for Aden

Aden fell asleep in her arms on the way to her home, and I offered to carry him, and she smiled and said

“Lexa, you think about the comfort of everyone but yourself too much”

Which was not very helpful, and also didn’t answer the question

Then she said

“What were you doing at O’s place anyway? Don’t you normally cook on Thursdays?”

And I stopped walking because it was Thursday, and I cook on Thursdays and I hadn’t cooked and I was supposed to have cooked and everything seemed too bright too loud and the headlights from the road scared me and I started not seeing anything at all

I could hear Clarke speaking but I couldn’t understand what she was saying

It was Thursday, and I was supposed to cook

Something tapped the back of my hand twice, and then Clarke was holding my hand, threading her fingers through mine, pulling me away from the road

Somehow, and this time I  _ really _ don’t know how, I ended up in her apartment

I watched as she somehow opened the door without dropping Aden or letting go of my hand, and then I followed her as she put Aden in his bed, and the second we were out of his room, she gently pulled me closer and when she held out her other hand, I stepped forwards, because I like Clarke’s hugs very much

I didn’t want her to let go so I hugged her back and she said

“Is cooking on Thursdays something that has to happen?”

And I nodded, so she replied

“If you want to you can cook something here. I was going to eat a sandwich, but if you need to cook, then you can.”

Costia

I just

Clarke.

I nodded again and then just about ran to the kitchen to cook something because it was still Thursday and I could still cook something and that meant it was okay

Clarke followed me smiling slightly, and when she asked if she could do anything, I shook my head and pulled out a chair for her to sit on because she sometimes complains about being on her feet all day

And Costia I would cook for Clarke even if it wasn’t a Thursday just to turn around and see her there smiling like that at me

I wasn’t really following a recipe, just using what I found in her kitchen, making what Anya used to call

“Fuck It Let’s Also Add The Cabbage”

Which was a strange thing to call any kind of meal, particularly because Anya hates cabbage, and Clarke didn’t have any cabbage, but it made Clarke laugh when I told her, so I’ll keep calling it that

And because I had flour and egg on my hands I turned to the sink to wash them, and at that moment my phone started ringing with  _ That’s My Girl _

WHich meant that Raven was calling but my hands were filthy so I turned to CLarke and said

“Help.” 

And she giggled before taking my phone out my pocket and answering with

  
“What up loser?”

And her face when Anya’s voice came through the speaker saying

“Say that again I fucking dare you Griffin.”

Made me start laughing which was a problem because my hand were still covered in flour and egg which I smeared over my face

It was a mess, and Clarke was still blushing and then Anya said

“Lexa I can hear you, would you like to consider coming home so I can go to bed without your damn dog trying to follow me?”

So I said

“Anya, Postage Stamp is  _ your  _ dog, which means you have to take responsibility for him. I’ll come home once I’ve finished cleaning.”

And Clarke cleared her throat and said

“What Lexa  _ means _ is that she just cooked me a very nice meal and I’d like her to stay for a while longer. Goodnight Anya.”

And you know what Cos

I stayed while Clarke ate and then she suggested we watch a movie but I could  _ see _ her falling asleep so I said

“Maybe next time. Anya might still be trying to get Postage Stamp out her room”

And she looked upset until I said

“Would you like to do something this weekend.?”

And then she nodded, smiling again, and just to clarify I said

“As in a date. Would you like to go on another date with me this weekend?”

And Clarke said

“Lexa, I’d be honoured.”

And stepped closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and her skin was warm through my shirt and her eyes were so bright and blue that I felt dizzy so I looked at her shoulder and stammered out

“May I kiss you?”

And she said

“Please do.”


	343. Chapter 343

Costia, I didn’t think things through and asked Clarke on a date before I knew where I was taking her and now I still don’t know and Raven is laughing at me so Postage Stamp and I are leaving to find bagels


	344. Chapter 344

I found bagels with Postage Stamp, and then Postage Stamp found a frog and chased it and nearly took my arm off, and long story short, Postage Stamp is getting rather big, and Raven has sentenced both of us to the bath because we’re  _ covered _ in pond slime.

Sometimes Cos… Sometimes I want to throttle that dog

I have pond slime in my hair and I’m meant to be taking Clarke out on a date and I still don’t know where I’m going to take her, and the only thing that went right was that the bagels were in a plastic bag so at least those aren’t ruined

I need to get the dog out the bathtub, and I need to get my shower caddy

I need to find a place to take Clarke

I need a box

I need Anya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello fantastic people
> 
> I have been absent as of late, and I am very sorry  
> I'm writing my final set of high school exams soon, and that's kind of stressy  
> I was thinking about getting Notes to the Found to the same level as this story before proceeding, what do you think?  
> Should I pause this story until Notes is at the same/a similar point, should I do nonparallel updates?


	345. Chapter 345

Anya dragged me out the bath and wrapped me in a towel which would usually be a problem because towels are scratchy and I don’t like it when people touch me when I feel like the world is too loud and bright, but it was Anya

She held me in the crash position, which couldn’t have been comfortable for her, because she was still in her work clothes, which means that Raven must have phoned her, but I don’t care.

I needed Anya, and Anya came home.

She asked me what was wrong and I didn’t know how to tell her that I was supposed to take Clarke out on a date tonight, but I didn’t know where to take her, and that Postage Stamp had dragged me into a pond, which is why there was pond slime in her bathtub, and so I just leaned against her and tried to disappear into the warmth that always surrounds her

I could feel her breathing against my ear, and her arms were wrapped tightly around me, and after a while the lights in the bathroom stopped spinning, and I felt… safe

I wanted to tell Anya everything. I wanted to tell her the things that I can’t find the words for. To thank her. Ask for her help. But because I am who, and what I am, I couldn’t do that, because (as Mama once said)

“Your mind is too big for your body Lexa”

So instead, I tapped the backs on Anya’s hands and she let me go, and I turned to face her, crossing my legs.

She was leaning back against the white tiles, legs stretched out in front of her in a V-shape, and that made sense because I’d been sitting between them, and she watched me as I watched her.

I rubbed my hands together, and then found some of the words that I couldn’t find before.

“I asked Clarke on a date.”

Anya nodded, leaning her head back and closing her eyes. I realised that Anya was tired. I wonder if she’s getting enough sleep.

“Do you want to take Clarke on a date?” She asked without opening her eyes.

“Yes.”

Cos, I want to take Clarke to all the places that make her eyes shine. When her eyes shine, it makes the world look different, because she tells me what she’s seeing, and sometimes it’s different to what I’m seeing. She makes the metaphors make sense.

I didn’t have many words before Clarke. After you died, I threw all my words into the sky like Monopoly money, but I never went to fetch them. I never wanted to see them again because I didn’t think that there would be anything to talk about because there were no new things to say.

Clarke has new things to say all the time. And when she can’t say them, she paints them, and sometimes Costia, I understand her paintings more than her words, and sometimes I don’t understand either of them.

I told Anya that I didn’t know where to take Clarke because I react differently to other people, I like different things to other people, and sometimes I don’t think I’m anything like other people at all.

I like dark cold rooms, and music that is so loud that it vibrates through my bones, but I don’t like to hear music that loud. I like words, and I like putting them together to mean things, and I like taking words apart so that I understand what they mean, and I can spend a long time doing that, but other people don’t. I like flowers because they have lots of different names and meanings, and I like the way that the petals feel, but sometimes the smell of flowers makes my skin crawl. I like the way that candles feel, that I can dig my nails into them and scrape words and shapes into the wax, and I like that my fingers smell nice after I do that.

Anya told me to take Clarke somewhere that makes me happy.

I told her that didn’t make sense because I wanted to see _Clarke_ happy, not to see _me_ happy. I also don’t know any places that make me happy anymore. Anya’s apartment makes me happy, but only when Anya or Wolfie, or Raven are home. Clarke’s apartment makes me happy because Clarke’s usually there, or Aden is there.

And Anya dragged her hands down her face and stood up, offering me a hand up too. She didn’t let go, but she did slide her hand up to my wrist, because I only hold hands when I’m scared.

We walked to the kitchen, and Anya said

“Raven, Clarke is upset and you have five minutes to make her feel better, what do you do?”

Which was a strange question, because there shouldn’t be time limits on feeling things, but Raven stopped chopping carrots and looked at me for a longish time, before saying

“Other than calling Lexa?”

And Anya said “Other than calling Lexa.”

And five minutes later, I was carrying a couch up endless flights of stairs with Anya, and by the time Clarke sent me a message saying that she was home from work, and that Aden was with Octavia, everything was ready.

I touched foreheads with Anya, and thanked Raven, and then went to fetch Clarke. She opened the door, and then smiled when she saw me, and it felt like I was touching a fluffy blanket after walking around in socks.

“Hey, Lexa.” Clarke said.

“Hello, Clarke.”

“You didn’t tell me what to wear.”

I didn’t. I panicked for a moment, and then realised she was teasing me, because her smile was a little bit skew, and her head was tilted to the side, and her eyes were so, so blue.

“Sweatpants.” I told her, and she raised her eyebrows, “Sweatpants and a comfortable shirt and shoes that are comfortable.”

“Lexa, I can’t go out in sweatpants.”

“We’re not going out. We’re going outside, but not out. I can’t tell you everything because then it won’t be a surprise.”

She nodded, and then gently took my wrist, pulling me inside before closing the door, “Let me go change.”

I nodded, and she turned to her room before turning back around and touching my face gently before kissing my cheek.

I waited until she came back before returning the kiss, except on her lips, because I wanted to kiss her. And then I never wanted to stop kissing her, because her hands were in my hair, and I wanted her to stay there forever.

But we had to go, because we were going to miss the sunset if we stayed there forever.


End file.
